I know I barely wrote anything that happened in 2014, so talking about some things when reflecting on 2015 might seem like a large leap. I think this year (2015) has been a better year than 2014, in the sense that I have a better understanding of myself, and I'm not as socially awkward - as I made myself out to be (in my own mind). I guess I'll have to ramble a bit about the past two years in order to make sense of it all.
After an unintentional falling out in 2014, I felt really bad about myself for most of the year, on and off. And I knew part of the problem was my fault, my ignorance, and I never really knew how to deal with it. After that though, most of my year was filled with a sense of being judged by others, and being purposely ignored. I think that sense of people disliking me was my fault too, in the sense that with that sort of fear of judgement, I didn't make an effort to keep up with other people or bothered to know what was going on in their lives. I stayed away from social media (apart from tumblr lol) because I always thought of it as a Platform for Popularity, and I didn't want to get caught up in numbers and attention.
And it's possible that the fact I saw social media and socialising as a popularity contest, that I internally felt that I truly wasn't liked. I was barely involved in any socialising in school, so not a lot of people personally knew me. I felt as though if I wasn't talked to, no one liked me. Somehow in my mind, I actually did value attention that way, because what is your worth without recognition, or when there is no one to see you and validate you? Do you exist if there is no one to see you? Even though I knew these weren't completely true, I somehow got myself stuck in that mindset. Maybe it's being a ~ teenager ~ but I would get worked up too, about not being as pretty as others lol I feared being gossiped about as well, which was all the more reason for me to not put myself out there.
It's a really dumb vicious cycle lol I mean, it may seem logical that you'd be afraid of being seen again after a socialising failure in the eyes of a close group (large or small) of people you're in, but at the same time, I let that stop me from doing what I should have done, at least with those closer to me. Even if in school I had people I could comfortably talk to in school, I only had two people I could really talk to, intimately in terms of emotions. Even so, I knew that wasn't good, to put all my feels onto two people, especially when they both have problems of their own.
Speaking of which, maybe I should have learned from the past: that if I couldn't handle the emotional stress a depressed person has, I shouldn't do it again until I've understood what to do better and be equipped with the right traits for it. I think it was my fault for thinking I could right wrongs by trying the same thing again. I have unintentionally hurt him with my ignorance, but at the same time he has made me even more aware of what I really need to do as a friend - just that it'll still take me some time to be the kind of friend that he needs. But I also recognise that in life, people will have different roles in your life, and sometimes I can't be the bestest, closest, most reliable friend to someone.
All that aside though, at least some things happened in 2015 that were nice. Just the simple visit from a really really old friend reminded me that I'm not as lonely as I thought I was, or that I was cast out by old friends. I overthink too much and always assume the worst lol And at least over the past holiday, being able to talk with old friends has made me a lot more comfortable with myself. Then again I guess that's because they have the time to. Even so, having them over and sleeping over was nice c:
Also, I've always had this feeling about seeing people older than me. It's like that feeling you have in secondary 1 and you look at the sec 4s: they look like they know what they're doing, what they want to do; mature, intelligent, responsible. During orientation in JC1, I saw that too in the JC2s. But then once you reach the same level as them, you kinda feel like you haven't attained what you thought you would when you're at their level. That sort of wonderment is nowhere to be seen in yourself. Although maybe the problem with that is because the people you do see are those who are outgoing and extroverted, and you can't really expect that sort of change to happen instantly when you reach a certain age.
As much as an outgoing-society values outgoing people, I really can't bring myself to be like that. Knowing schoolmates going to parties and small get-togethers, makes me feel uncomfortable imagining myself there. I know, change starts from within, but it's still terrifying. People say JUST DO IT but, really.
lol
I made this post thinking that I've changed, but maybe I haven't. I just feel like all this talk about changing "for the better" (whatever "better" is) is really stressful, and I know it's not meant to be easy, and I know it's not intended to make me feel better. Poopy.
Enough sad feels and self-pity, time for the practical things I need to do lol
1. Get university application(s) ready
2. Go do lab work
3. Job? Depends on schedule
4. Piano grade 8 examination (worst case, only two months to prepare)
5. Write more (hopefully I can manifest some of my ideas into words)
6. Almost forgot: EZ-link card LOL
Oh yeah, I'm helping my mum out in church, with this thing called Theology of the Body. It basically talks about how God and His love is manifested through the human body, but the version for teenagers simplifies it to about how to perceive the human body as what it is (non-sexualised and appreciating our physical selves), teenage romantic relationships, and vocation in life.
Putting aside the God-aspect of it, I still think it's pretty interesting to see this perspective. You could talk about it from a societal level with the two extremes: conservatism that perpetuates the idea that anything sexual is a sin, to liberalism that permits permissive nature. The conflict between such extreme ideology is pretty much the context for The Handmaid's Tale LOL Even though there are some things that I don't agree with what the Catholic church disapproves of, I think what's most important is that the whole point of having these sessions is to propose to teenagers an alternative way of thinking - but what they choose to believe and follow is still of their own choosing.
Even then, what I think will rile me up the most are the parents or adults that aren't fully aware. Before we, the facilitators (myself included) can facilitate the teenagers, my mum showed us the unadulterated version. And I remember some responses by the adults that kinda put me on edge because I felt that they weren't aware enough of the various situations that happen in the "secular world". One of the mothers said that if gay couples can adopt children, their children will grow up "confused" and oh my God I wanted so badly to tell her how wrong she was. But I couldn't at that point in time because I didn't have a proper argument, and at the same time, she said it out of ignorance, so it wouldn't be right of me to be angry at her either. There was another point in the session about how men and women have different roles, and at first I got really annoyed by that - until I remembered that feminism is about being treated as equal, not about being exactly the same. Also, much like how you can't judge one religion based on your own religion, I think judging and over-generalising the world, based on your own terms according to your religion isn't completely fair either.
I don't know where I'm going with this post lol
I'm gonna get myself a cup of water.
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