Oh boy, it's been awhile since I last wrote, huh? I guess it's time for a quick update.
School's been okay, although I can feel myself slackening. I feel like I don't have as much work to do this sem, and heck, I don't even know what is tested during midterms and what's not lol I think last sem I had more work to do, since my Indonesian mod had like work to do almost every week, and we had to read our evolution textbook almost all the time. This sem, we just get lectures and some tutorial worksheets and quizzes to do, but I feel like it's less work compared to last sem.
Also having afternoon classes means that I won't be productive in the morning before I leave for school, or when I come back lol orz Like if I have a class at 12, I usually leave at 10.30, so I have an hour to travel and half an hour to eat lunch. I wake up at 8-9, so I don't do much in like, an hour or two before leaving the house. Coming back, it's probably 6, so it'll be dinner, and then just slacking lel orz That aside though, maybe I should try waking up early so that I can at least do something in the morning before going to school. That's a possibility.
I should probably mention how lucky I was in getting my science comm mod lol I tried bidding during the first time (I failed). So, I had to wait either until the end so I could appeal, or wait for more classes to open. An extra class was open for bidding in the last round of bidding, and omg I didn't know how much to bid, 'cos I didn't want to sacrifice all my points just for this. So, I bid like 650+ points for it. You know what the minimum winning bid was? 670+ and I was like FFFFFFFF I WAS SO CLOSE So no choice, had to appeal lor - which in hindsight was a blessing, 'cos I managed to get a class for only 315 points!! Like!! Hekc yeha man
I kinda like it, 'cos it's what I want to do for a living. Just that uh, sometimes lessons are boring and I don't really pay attention lol orz And actually writing a scientific article is tough. I need to figure out what the highlight of the research is, what I want to focus on, what information is important, how to simplify it, stuff like that. I'm currently not happy with what I have written right now, but then again, I haven't really finished writing what I wanted to put down anyway, so only time will tell.
I've kinda tried to get more involved in CSS? Like they usually have Saturday happenings at the Office for Young People, or they have weekday masses in school/church nearby - and I don't go for those things orz There was a Chinese New Year dinner though, and after being asked repeatedly if I've RSVP'd yet, I finally caved in and just said I'll go. It was okay, got to see some people I've never seen/non-regulars. There was also a Catholic Awareness Week thing, where for two days, a bunch of other diversity groups were holding booths in U-Town. I signed up for it, 'cos hey, I know some stuff after helping out in Catechism, I guess I can be of some use. For three Wednesdays, there were preparation sessions about Catholic teachings and stuff, so that when people ask us questions, we know how to answer. Unfortunately, I missed all three.
The first time, I was coming back from getting my haircut and was wondering if I should go home or not. In the end, the first floor and basement at home was flooded with drainage water (plumbing and toilet works at home were nearing completion, but I guess there were some unaddressed issues), so just as well I went home to help my bro to mop it all up. The second time, was a CNY reunion dinner on my dad's side. The third time, was after I got 1 out of 5 questions correct on our graded chemistry quiz, I dragged my crushed soul back home instead lol So yeah, I guess I've been trying to get more involved.
I'm also helping out in a second round of TOB in church - this time, with a boys group. For some reason, this year was like 2/3 boys and 1/3 girls. I was initially hesitant about taking a boys group, even if I had another dude facilitator with me, because I didn't know how to talk to fifteen-year-old boys. (Do y'all uh, like memes?) Turns out, they're quite willing to answer questions I pose to them, and they talk to me, so that's nice c: I guess the thing about girl groups, is that they can be quite guarded sometimes, and would rather talk about other stuff with their friends. Also, my mum and I are just hanging around for TOB, we're not in charge of the rest of the Catechism year for the sec 3s.
My sister is getting married this year. That aside, Hans could possibly come back around then!! So that's something to look forward to do and to get me through the rest of this semester. I think that's mostly it, for now. Gotta go back to figuring out what to focus on for midterms :/
Showing posts with label TOB. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TOB. Show all posts
Sunday, 19 February 2017
Sunday, 21 February 2016
First Official Order??
Well, some interesting things happened this week: I went back to NUS for more lab stuff, I got an order for a notebook from a stranger, and TOB was well, interesting, I guess. Maybe I should go in chronological order?
[EDIT: Braces, I forgot to mention BRACES!! I got the upper and lower done on separate Saturdays because of tiem, and I guess it hasn't been that bad. I did feel some pain on my protruding molar, but after a week it's gone, so I assume it's been pushed into position lol With the lower braces on now though, my incisors hurt, so I can't really bite anything (even baneeners ;AAA; Chewing is fine though, my braces don't really get caught on my cheeks. At least now I can say my teeth are extra shiny. Okay das all lol]
After last Saturday's TOB session, I told my mum in the car that the session wasn't very clear, and that it could've been phrased differently so that it makes more sense on our teen-aged level. When I read through the student's book, I remember there was one paragraph (about our bodies and physical appearances) which I think was what the teens really needed to hear, but she didn't talk about it. So I raised that point to her, and she just kinda sighed. I don't blame her, it's not easy to coordinate lessons of majority of the content. Like out of twelve chapters of stuff, she's doing like what, three-quarters maybe, so it's tiring to do it on your own. I guess this is where I come in lol
The chapter this week is about hope and redemption in Christ, which ties in with Lent and about how Jesus died for us to take away our sins, and that the sacrament of reconciliation is good and full of acceptance, rather than it being a time to have your wrongs pointed out and be ridiculed for it, which, as a teenager, doesn't make much sense. Also, from my own experiences of Catechism in general, my batch was mostly cynical, uncaring kids. I know, 'cos I've kinda been there before, thinking I know everything already. But I know from experience, that sometimes, the one's who suppress their emotions the most and harden their hearts, have only done so because they've been through difficult, emotional times.
Anyway, after reading the chapter on Monday, I couldn't help but think of some of the people I know of, and I just wrote some stuff down, about how saddening it is to see friends hating themselves, and I just went on from there. I kinda hesitated showing it to my mum, not only because it's something I wrote and have not much confidence in my writing lol but also because I wanted to let it settle first and see how I feel about it later.
On Tuesday I talked to my mum about my thoughts on the chapter - and then she assigned me to do the beginning of the session. It's kinda built on top of something that we did the previous time: a gallery walk with things like "books I've read, friends I've made, things I've muttered under my breath towards my parents" etc on different sheets of paper, as a reflection on our past and all the good and bad we've done. And after they've walked around, someone comes around with a crucifix (Jesus) to take it all down to symbolise that he takes responsibility for all that has happened in our lives. If you look at this, you just kinda think "yeah yeah, I know what you're trying to get at; whatever", and even I thought that too when I went through TOB the first time lol So, I was tasked by mum to do this this year.
The first time I wrote the script, it was like one thousand words long LOL Then again, I combined the gallery walk aspect and the thing I wrote the day before, so that it ties in better, and makes it more relatable to teens. Basically, my point was that the kind of love our closest friends show, those who listen to our self-hatred but listens to us and accepts it anyway, is the kind of love Jesus has for us. At least to them at this age, I think that's the kind of unconditional love that they can resonate with most and understand. I don't know if someone just had a runny nose, but when I got to this point in the script, I heard some sniffling lol And according to the other facilitators, the quietness at that point was the quietest the teens have ever been, the kind where they're really taking in what is being said, and I can only hope that's true.
If I had more time, I would've talked about pride, mostly because I myself know about that lol All the times I didn't want to own up to something, or thought myself the victim, or didn't show appreciation to those closest to me, or that something we did technically wasn't wrong, or berated myself and felt guilty for what I have done yet made no attempt to amend it. This issue of pride has stuck with me, because at the end of one of the adult-TOB sessions, the presenter, when talking about confession, said that the greatest sin of all is to think we have none. That really made me rethink what it is I have or have not done, and has made me want to correct myself.
Anyway, my focus was more on the "Jesus loves you" aspect because we as teenagers often can't see that as possible, to have someone love us unconditionally with all the hatred that we posses towards ourselves. And I think I myself have failed to do that when I should have done so. For the longest time I thought I knew what to do but I never knew how to - but I should just do it anyway, especially when I knew what was going on (I'm sorry I never came to help earlier.)
Yeah, it took me awhile to try and be satisfied with what I wrote, because I didn't know if what I was going to say would be meaningful to them, or if they would even be open to accepting it, but I guess from the feedback from the facilitators and how well the session went, it's all good. Even when I asked each person in my group a question they each had an answer (even the quiet one!!) so I'm proud of them c:
I also went back to the lab, from Wednesday to Friday, because the lab lady said the lab tech has her own experiment she's carrying out, and that I could ask if I could observe her while lab lady is away during Chinese New Year. Lab tech was doing protein cloning, which involves all the splicing of bacterial plasmids with a specific gene to mass produce a certain protein. However, the focus of this week was doing some western blotting that lab lady asked lab tech to do for her. Basically it's kinda like gel electrophoresis, but for proteins. And since the bands are invisible, you can either use some fancy machine that is light-sensitive, or you can expose it to film.
Lab tech is a nice lady, and I think she's the lab tech and safety person-in-charge of her floor because of her experience. Funny though, is that she can be forgetful and a little clumsy at times. There's one part in western blotting that needs you to transfer the bands from the gel to the membrane, and she forgot to put the membrane on in one of the trials. If I wasn't there watching her do it, she would've forgotten the last one LOL
She even let me carry things around and do things, even if I'm not allowed to do any sort of experimentation!! On Friday, we were supposed to let boxes of membranes swish around on a rotator, but the time to do that coincided with her AV duty for a seminar, so she left me with her access card and told me to put the boxes on the rotator at 11.50 that morning. And I was left alone for like 20 minutes while she was gone, and it was so awkward sitting at her table, no lab coat on, and everyone else is doing their own thing and I'm just, waiting. (Waiting to do my duty hOOOOAAAAAH) I even put on gloves just to switch on the rotator. (Apparently when you're outside, you're not allowed to go around with lab coats or touch things with gloves on, so like opening a door from outside needs an gloveless hand, because the glove itself is "contaminated".)
Anyway, I went down to return her access card and sat in on the seminar, given by quite a young lady with her research on stem cells and neurodisease therapy. I managed to understand some concepts, like a gene mutation that produces a faulty protein that causes motor neurons to fail, and how they discovered a drug to extend the lifespan of faulty motor neurons. I didn't understand everything though, so I looked up an article about their research, and then I realised that I have a big job to do as scientific journalist. I really need good understanding of the science before I can put it into words that normal people can comprehend, and if I can't understand it myself then welp lol
That Friday, I had lunch at the NUS science canteen. It was okay. I had spent wednesday's and Thursday's lunch at Clementi. The reason why I didn't eat at the canteen the first two days was because I didn't want to be faced with the awkward situation of not having a place to sit, among people who go there almost every day and have classmates to sit with. Also I wanted to go Art Friend, but the former reason is still more true ;w; Anyway, I had to eat at the canteen on Friday 'cos we would get our results later that day!!
We went to the fancy room with all the scanners on the floor below us. I had been there before with Lab Lady who talked me through some of the stuff she does with the PCR machine, and it's not that easy to understand. That was a good time though, because I asked a lot of questions and learned something lol Anyway, we tried one of the scanners, but it wasn't really showing any results, so we went to the dark room to do the old fashioned way, that Lab Tech was more accustomed to doing.
Their dark room is really weird. It's like half a column protruding from the wall, with a rotating door which is like three-quarters of a black tube. So you stand in the opening, spin the door around, and it opens to the dark room. And good gourd that room was dark. It took at least like five to ten minutes for my eyes to really adjust to it, and I didn't dare move in case I bumped into someone or accidentally walked into a machine. They only had two red ceiling lights, a table where you keep your cassettes and film, a sink that I didn't recognise was a sink, and some machine that you put your film in after exposing it to the western blotting membranes.
We spent some time there, and had some success with one of the proteins. You could see some efflorescence from it quite well and had good results on the film; but the one that should have worked, didn't. Even after trying a different dye-like-solution-thing, not all of them showed up on the film. Lab Tech said that she might have washed the membranes too well that the protein markers (antibodies rather, that attach to the proteins) were washed away so they didn't show up. Anyway, she was going to redo the antibody part of the procedure on Monday, when Lab Lady comes back. So, I don't know if there'll be anything for me to observe this coming week.
And the thing about my first "official" order happened one night, and I just totally freaked out. I couldn't believe I got an order!! From someone I didn't know!! I even asked Bei if it was a friend of hers (she's been sharing my carousell posts on fb lel) and it wasn't, so it must've been a lady who just came across it and wanted one. And it felt like it was so sudden when she asked for custom stuff and I was like so excite!! It's been a couple of days though, and it's gotten me kinda worried. This lady requested for a custom-made notebook, with lined pages and a name on the front, and they both are challenges in their own way.
I hadn't really thought about how to go about doing lined pages. Initially I thought I could use lecture pad, but the problem is that if I fold A5 pages (into A6) the lines of each folded sheet might not line up with each other, and lecture pad always have that wider space at the top and below. I managed to figure out a solution though. I watched a video about how to use lined paper in bookbinding, and there are programs that do the lines for you, so hecky ye.
Now for the name. At first I thought she wanted me to cut out a name on the cover, (like my first notebook) so I said 30 cents per letter lol but it turns out she wanted me to write it by hand on a name tag, like the one on my second notebook. She wanted me to do it in cursive, which is uh, kinda hard for me to do, with permanent marker. I spent about an hour trying out different variations, and sometimes it pains me so much, when you do it nicely once, but YOU CAN'T REPRODUCE IT AGAIN!! There was one that I did really nicely, and it would've been a shame to not use it, so I thought, why don't I just cut it out, and then paste it on the tag if she likes it. I even used my curved scissors to do the rounded edges, and I must say, I think it looks pretty darn good. (You can message me for pictures, I'm too lazy to upload anything rn)
I was kinda dumb to think, "oh, it's handwritten? I can lower my price for names lawl" so I made it 10 cents per letter, but I didn't think it would've taken me so much time to deliberate and struggle over how to write the name orz Even if I did lower my price, she hasn't replied for like, a couple of days now. I think I remember Carousell saying that the connection was lost or cancelled or something when I last heard from her, so I don't know if that's the problem. I can still message her fine though, like it gets onto the server or something idk. I don't know if this is what they consider "backing out", but even if she doesn't want it, I'll still make a lined notebook because I can experiment and figure out how to do it nicely. It's gonna be a real challenge though, to cut the paper nicely and evenly, and to get the lines match up nicely from page to page.
Yerp, that's what happened this week. I'm still waiting for a reply, I really really want to get something sold ;wwww;
[EDIT: Braces, I forgot to mention BRACES!! I got the upper and lower done on separate Saturdays because of tiem, and I guess it hasn't been that bad. I did feel some pain on my protruding molar, but after a week it's gone, so I assume it's been pushed into position lol With the lower braces on now though, my incisors hurt, so I can't really bite anything (even baneeners ;AAA; Chewing is fine though, my braces don't really get caught on my cheeks. At least now I can say my teeth are extra shiny. Okay das all lol]
After last Saturday's TOB session, I told my mum in the car that the session wasn't very clear, and that it could've been phrased differently so that it makes more sense on our teen-aged level. When I read through the student's book, I remember there was one paragraph (about our bodies and physical appearances) which I think was what the teens really needed to hear, but she didn't talk about it. So I raised that point to her, and she just kinda sighed. I don't blame her, it's not easy to coordinate lessons of majority of the content. Like out of twelve chapters of stuff, she's doing like what, three-quarters maybe, so it's tiring to do it on your own. I guess this is where I come in lol
The chapter this week is about hope and redemption in Christ, which ties in with Lent and about how Jesus died for us to take away our sins, and that the sacrament of reconciliation is good and full of acceptance, rather than it being a time to have your wrongs pointed out and be ridiculed for it, which, as a teenager, doesn't make much sense. Also, from my own experiences of Catechism in general, my batch was mostly cynical, uncaring kids. I know, 'cos I've kinda been there before, thinking I know everything already. But I know from experience, that sometimes, the one's who suppress their emotions the most and harden their hearts, have only done so because they've been through difficult, emotional times.
Anyway, after reading the chapter on Monday, I couldn't help but think of some of the people I know of, and I just wrote some stuff down, about how saddening it is to see friends hating themselves, and I just went on from there. I kinda hesitated showing it to my mum, not only because it's something I wrote and have not much confidence in my writing lol but also because I wanted to let it settle first and see how I feel about it later.
On Tuesday I talked to my mum about my thoughts on the chapter - and then she assigned me to do the beginning of the session. It's kinda built on top of something that we did the previous time: a gallery walk with things like "books I've read, friends I've made, things I've muttered under my breath towards my parents" etc on different sheets of paper, as a reflection on our past and all the good and bad we've done. And after they've walked around, someone comes around with a crucifix (Jesus) to take it all down to symbolise that he takes responsibility for all that has happened in our lives. If you look at this, you just kinda think "yeah yeah, I know what you're trying to get at; whatever", and even I thought that too when I went through TOB the first time lol So, I was tasked by mum to do this this year.
The first time I wrote the script, it was like one thousand words long LOL Then again, I combined the gallery walk aspect and the thing I wrote the day before, so that it ties in better, and makes it more relatable to teens. Basically, my point was that the kind of love our closest friends show, those who listen to our self-hatred but listens to us and accepts it anyway, is the kind of love Jesus has for us. At least to them at this age, I think that's the kind of unconditional love that they can resonate with most and understand. I don't know if someone just had a runny nose, but when I got to this point in the script, I heard some sniffling lol And according to the other facilitators, the quietness at that point was the quietest the teens have ever been, the kind where they're really taking in what is being said, and I can only hope that's true.
If I had more time, I would've talked about pride, mostly because I myself know about that lol All the times I didn't want to own up to something, or thought myself the victim, or didn't show appreciation to those closest to me, or that something we did technically wasn't wrong, or berated myself and felt guilty for what I have done yet made no attempt to amend it. This issue of pride has stuck with me, because at the end of one of the adult-TOB sessions, the presenter, when talking about confession, said that the greatest sin of all is to think we have none. That really made me rethink what it is I have or have not done, and has made me want to correct myself.
Anyway, my focus was more on the "Jesus loves you" aspect because we as teenagers often can't see that as possible, to have someone love us unconditionally with all the hatred that we posses towards ourselves. And I think I myself have failed to do that when I should have done so. For the longest time I thought I knew what to do but I never knew how to - but I should just do it anyway, especially when I knew what was going on (I'm sorry I never came to help earlier.)
Yeah, it took me awhile to try and be satisfied with what I wrote, because I didn't know if what I was going to say would be meaningful to them, or if they would even be open to accepting it, but I guess from the feedback from the facilitators and how well the session went, it's all good. Even when I asked each person in my group a question they each had an answer (even the quiet one!!) so I'm proud of them c:
I also went back to the lab, from Wednesday to Friday, because the lab lady said the lab tech has her own experiment she's carrying out, and that I could ask if I could observe her while lab lady is away during Chinese New Year. Lab tech was doing protein cloning, which involves all the splicing of bacterial plasmids with a specific gene to mass produce a certain protein. However, the focus of this week was doing some western blotting that lab lady asked lab tech to do for her. Basically it's kinda like gel electrophoresis, but for proteins. And since the bands are invisible, you can either use some fancy machine that is light-sensitive, or you can expose it to film.
Lab tech is a nice lady, and I think she's the lab tech and safety person-in-charge of her floor because of her experience. Funny though, is that she can be forgetful and a little clumsy at times. There's one part in western blotting that needs you to transfer the bands from the gel to the membrane, and she forgot to put the membrane on in one of the trials. If I wasn't there watching her do it, she would've forgotten the last one LOL
She even let me carry things around and do things, even if I'm not allowed to do any sort of experimentation!! On Friday, we were supposed to let boxes of membranes swish around on a rotator, but the time to do that coincided with her AV duty for a seminar, so she left me with her access card and told me to put the boxes on the rotator at 11.50 that morning. And I was left alone for like 20 minutes while she was gone, and it was so awkward sitting at her table, no lab coat on, and everyone else is doing their own thing and I'm just, waiting. (Waiting to do my duty hOOOOAAAAAH) I even put on gloves just to switch on the rotator. (Apparently when you're outside, you're not allowed to go around with lab coats or touch things with gloves on, so like opening a door from outside needs an gloveless hand, because the glove itself is "contaminated".)
Anyway, I went down to return her access card and sat in on the seminar, given by quite a young lady with her research on stem cells and neurodisease therapy. I managed to understand some concepts, like a gene mutation that produces a faulty protein that causes motor neurons to fail, and how they discovered a drug to extend the lifespan of faulty motor neurons. I didn't understand everything though, so I looked up an article about their research, and then I realised that I have a big job to do as scientific journalist. I really need good understanding of the science before I can put it into words that normal people can comprehend, and if I can't understand it myself then welp lol
That Friday, I had lunch at the NUS science canteen. It was okay. I had spent wednesday's and Thursday's lunch at Clementi. The reason why I didn't eat at the canteen the first two days was because I didn't want to be faced with the awkward situation of not having a place to sit, among people who go there almost every day and have classmates to sit with. Also I wanted to go Art Friend, but the former reason is still more true ;w; Anyway, I had to eat at the canteen on Friday 'cos we would get our results later that day!!
We went to the fancy room with all the scanners on the floor below us. I had been there before with Lab Lady who talked me through some of the stuff she does with the PCR machine, and it's not that easy to understand. That was a good time though, because I asked a lot of questions and learned something lol Anyway, we tried one of the scanners, but it wasn't really showing any results, so we went to the dark room to do the old fashioned way, that Lab Tech was more accustomed to doing.
Their dark room is really weird. It's like half a column protruding from the wall, with a rotating door which is like three-quarters of a black tube. So you stand in the opening, spin the door around, and it opens to the dark room. And good gourd that room was dark. It took at least like five to ten minutes for my eyes to really adjust to it, and I didn't dare move in case I bumped into someone or accidentally walked into a machine. They only had two red ceiling lights, a table where you keep your cassettes and film, a sink that I didn't recognise was a sink, and some machine that you put your film in after exposing it to the western blotting membranes.
We spent some time there, and had some success with one of the proteins. You could see some efflorescence from it quite well and had good results on the film; but the one that should have worked, didn't. Even after trying a different dye-like-solution-thing, not all of them showed up on the film. Lab Tech said that she might have washed the membranes too well that the protein markers (antibodies rather, that attach to the proteins) were washed away so they didn't show up. Anyway, she was going to redo the antibody part of the procedure on Monday, when Lab Lady comes back. So, I don't know if there'll be anything for me to observe this coming week.
And the thing about my first "official" order happened one night, and I just totally freaked out. I couldn't believe I got an order!! From someone I didn't know!! I even asked Bei if it was a friend of hers (she's been sharing my carousell posts on fb lel) and it wasn't, so it must've been a lady who just came across it and wanted one. And it felt like it was so sudden when she asked for custom stuff and I was like so excite!! It's been a couple of days though, and it's gotten me kinda worried. This lady requested for a custom-made notebook, with lined pages and a name on the front, and they both are challenges in their own way.
I hadn't really thought about how to go about doing lined pages. Initially I thought I could use lecture pad, but the problem is that if I fold A5 pages (into A6) the lines of each folded sheet might not line up with each other, and lecture pad always have that wider space at the top and below. I managed to figure out a solution though. I watched a video about how to use lined paper in bookbinding, and there are programs that do the lines for you, so hecky ye.
Now for the name. At first I thought she wanted me to cut out a name on the cover, (like my first notebook) so I said 30 cents per letter lol but it turns out she wanted me to write it by hand on a name tag, like the one on my second notebook. She wanted me to do it in cursive, which is uh, kinda hard for me to do, with permanent marker. I spent about an hour trying out different variations, and sometimes it pains me so much, when you do it nicely once, but YOU CAN'T REPRODUCE IT AGAIN!! There was one that I did really nicely, and it would've been a shame to not use it, so I thought, why don't I just cut it out, and then paste it on the tag if she likes it. I even used my curved scissors to do the rounded edges, and I must say, I think it looks pretty darn good. (You can message me for pictures, I'm too lazy to upload anything rn)
I was kinda dumb to think, "oh, it's handwritten? I can lower my price for names lawl" so I made it 10 cents per letter, but I didn't think it would've taken me so much time to deliberate and struggle over how to write the name orz Even if I did lower my price, she hasn't replied for like, a couple of days now. I think I remember Carousell saying that the connection was lost or cancelled or something when I last heard from her, so I don't know if that's the problem. I can still message her fine though, like it gets onto the server or something idk. I don't know if this is what they consider "backing out", but even if she doesn't want it, I'll still make a lined notebook because I can experiment and figure out how to do it nicely. It's gonna be a real challenge though, to cut the paper nicely and evenly, and to get the lines match up nicely from page to page.
Yerp, that's what happened this week. I'm still waiting for a reply, I really really want to get something sold ;wwww;
Thursday, 21 January 2016
Shoes and Socks, Laboratories, Teenagers, and France
I haven't done much the past two weeks, mostly because I was waiting for the 18th of January (later changed to the next day) to come around, which was when I was to go to the physiology lab at NUS for some work experience. In the meantime, I didn't have much to do, really, except practice piano.
omg shoes
I think I went shopping for more craft supplies one of the days, and I don't know what is wrong with me, but I always wear the wrong socks with my shoes. The first time was when I sent Hans to the airport, and I thought wearing my short black socks with my sunflower shoes, but that meant the tongue of my shoe rubbed against my skin. When we went to look for cheap socks, they sold four at ten bucks, and since we couldn't just buy one pair, I had to buy four at one shot. But the socks were stuck together by thread so Hans had to rip it apart for me and I just changed my socks in public. Another day, when I went to buy craft supplies, I wore socks that were too thin for my shoes, so my shoes kept falling off my heel making it really hard to walk in. Again, I bought another pair of socks, and they had the plastic thing instead, but I managed to pull it out since socks are elastic. To be honest, I had seriously considered bringing one of my proper socks with me that day. I can't believe I didn't just wear proper ones asdhofalsdkjfad If anything, I'm now armed with more socks so I can't go wrong - unless I make a really dumb decision again.
I did go back to school for open house, because I had to pass a junior my literature books anyway, so I thought I might as well be there to help out at the history booth. I spent most of my time at the history booth talking to our history teacher, Mr B. But kids being kids that aren't really interested in history, it was pretty boring. I tried reading one of the history magazines laid out, and I don't remember a single thing from what I read. I don't think that many people came to the booth. The new syllabus is pretty interesting though, like I would go back to school just for the lessons on Japan and the American civil rights movement, but I think that's in their second year, so I can't really since uni.
When I talked to Mr B, he kept telling me to get a job and I was like, yeah I know lol But I hadn't gotten word from the physiology labs at NUS yet, see, so I couldn't get a regular job until I knew when I was free. The lab technician lady went on holiday for like three weeks, and she was only coming back on the 18th, so that was a pretty long break of having nothing concrete to do. I even told him about my parents being in Doha to see my bro, and he was astounded by how I didn't want to go. Come on Mr B, who wants to go to the desert, but he was like how could you pass up an opportunity to expose yourself to a new culture. Touche, Mr B, but I couldn't do anything about it anyway lol
Lab experience
Since the lab tech lady was only coming back on the 18th, I assumed she wouldn't be in that day, so I decided to go the next day. I spent the 18th with the Boob when he came back to get his grades remarked. We couldn't spend much time together though, because his flight was the same night, and he had to pay phone internet bills that he hasn't done for the longest time. We went down to one of those mobile service provider stores, and it turned out that he didn't need to pay - he actually had money to collect instead. Turns out what he owed was paid using his deposit so he just needed to pick up the rest of the deposited money, but that needed a letter too. So, we went down to the hostel, searched for the letter, picked it up, and went back to the service provider store. But he couldn't collect the money. What he needed was a different official letter that allowed him to collect the money - which would be sent to him in a week. Welp, We went to watch Ip Man 3, so das nice. (The beginning was pretty hilarious, and the movie wasn't that dramatic with the fighting, but it was a nice change of pace to see Ip Man as a husband rather than just as an upright and righteous man.)
Now is the real important stuff: lab work. I had gone to the labs before with my Dad, so I roughly remembered where I needed to go. I got stuck for a little while because I couldn't remembered how to get to the Science department's canteen, but I managed. There wasn't really a fixed time for me to come down, so I technically wasn't late lol The lab tech lady showed me around the labs and brought me through the lab safety protocols, like knowing where the liquid nitrogen tanks were, the keys to the chemical cabinets, what kinds of waste goes into which coloured plastic bags, all that stuff. We probably spent a good hour and a half going through all of it, and things seemed like I could get an access card to the labs so I can come down on my own when I want to - but I couldn't. There was one bit on the list that I couldn't do: I think there was some kind of quiz assessment I had to take before I could get a card of my own, but the assessment was only available to those already in NUS. Since I was technically an outsider, I wouldn't be allowed to take it. The lab tech did say that I could contact either her or the PhD student I'm shadowing when I'm there, so that they can open the door for me, so that's still okay for now.
I spent the last half hour talking to the PhD student I was going to observe. I guess I wasn't really allowed to do any experiment of my own since, after all, it's her research work and she couldn't possibly risk anything if something went wrong because of me. Also because I wasn't there for official research purposes of my own. Still, following her around and observing her experiments isn't so bad. I think it's something about a protein and how it affects the formation of the cell membrane of cancer cells. There was something else about another kind of protein that affected the expression or formation of genes in stomach cancer cells, so the theoretical stuff she was talking about wasn't that foreign to me. She did say that sometimes the experiment itself can get repetitive, so I suppose I don't have to be there every day since there's not much point in observing the same couple of things repeatedly. I'll probably follow her around when the new PhD student joins the lab, so I can learn along with the new student. I should probably check with her when that's gonna happen.
teenagers
The other thing that has kept me busy is Theology of the Body, and I have discovered that I really don't know how to be a facilitator of my group. I think it's partly hard for me because 1. three of the girls already know each other so I'm the odd one out, 2. I know one of the girls. I don't know her personally, but I know of her and she knows of me because of children's choir. I was kind of hoping I could get a group where none of them know me so that sharing things with them would be easier since there would be no existing basis on which they could judge me or something. I was never social in church, not among fellow catechism kids or in the children's choir. Also I feel very out of my element because I feel like I have almost nothing in common with them. WHERE ARE THE WEEBS AND THE FANDOM FANGIRLS LET ME BE AMONG SOME PEOPLE I CAN RECOGNISE Also one of the girls is really quiet. My mum says it's because she's friends with the girl who was supposed to be in my group, but she changed parish. Still, I'd rather a quiet girl that I can talk to one-on-one than three girls who talk among themselves with whom I don't belong with lol Can't u tell Im a gr8 teenagr who is hip and kool and rel8table.
Anyway, while going through all the preparation for this, I was worried that they, as fifteen year-olds, wouldn't understand sexuality, relationships, or have even thought about it. I don't mean to say kids their age haven't experienced relationships or felt confused about themselves, but I think TOB makes more sense when you've been through relationships and problems - and you're fully aware of what is going on in such things. But then I came to the conclusion that it's only by going through such things and reflecting back on them, that you're then truly aware, so age doesn't matter.
I think it's more accurate for me to say that I'm worried they don't have the maturity and ability to look at experiences, reflect on them, and identify what they have done wrong or where to grow. Yeah, I think it's the ability to reflect, recognise mistakes, and knowing how to move on from there that they need. Even my Mum says that she wished she could do this for older teenagers who are at least a little wiser and more exposed, but as it is with Catholic teenagers in my parish, not many would want to come back for such things. And if we don't do it now when these kids are still in catechism, no one else will educate them on the church's perception of sexuality and our individual selves. It's at least better that we teach them these things while they're still in church before they leave.
Anyway, regardless of their maturity or age or whatnot, our purpose with TOB for now is to educate them, even if they don't fully understand it right now at their age. The point is to equip them with knowledge about how to wholesomely perceive sex and sexuality, and maybe some day in the future, when they're faced with such situations, they'll think back and use whatever it is we taught them to help them make their decisions. As long as they learn something new that is useful to them in the future, then we've done our job. Also it's about aiding them make decisions, not dictating them how to live, because ultimately that's their choice in the future.
I can't remember how my train of thought came to the topic about age and maturity lol I remember while I was reflecting on how TOB would be carried out, I was thinking about how embarrassing and cringe-worthy secondary school was like. You know, it's like when you wish past-you was current-more-knowledable-you so that past-you could have avoided all the embarrassing stuff that happened. But then I realised, that it is only by going through the embarrassing stuff - and reflecting on them - that you learn from them and grow in maturity. The fact that you can recognise how embarrassing things were means that you've grown. As much as I don't like fifteen year-olds because of the immaturity they possess right now, I can't disregard the fact that they have to go through it now so they can be better, more self-aware people later (as long as they actually reflect on what they've done wrong).
I feel like this part about teenagers and growing up is all disorganised, even though I had thought through it a lot whenever it crossed my mind. There's just so many things to take into consideration about maturity and the different kinds of experiences you've been exposed to while growing up, and how that affects your understanding and perception when you're older.
hon hon hon
The thing about going to France is a very recent issue that came up, in the most unpredictable, unexpected way. I think what's more surprising is that I'm allowed to go.
Last Sunday, I went downstairs to the church office to get the air-conditioner remote for the choir room, and as I was leaving, I saw Father R there. He came up to me (which I thought was weird because he doesn't really have business with me) and asked if I had anything to do from now until uni, and I told him I was free most of the time, and he was like good, you wanna go for another pilgrimage, and I was like wat. It was so out of the blue, and big trips like these need planning. It isn't just open to anyone - and it was in April, which I think in relation to the months of preparation they do, is quite short-notice. Like I didn't even know there was a France trip, meaning that the invitation for it must have been sometime last year. Neither did I think of Father R to be this spontaneous about something that needs a lot of organisation. He told me to ask my Mum if both of us can go, and he even told me to tell her that he said "things happen for a reason" as a way to sell this deal to her, because I just so happen to be there when he was around.
To be honest, I was pretty interested in going, but I don't really know why, or at least, I don't remember why lol Maybe it was because it felt like an honour to be invited since Father R asked me and not anyone else. Or maybe because it was like "ooh, France" and I quite enjoyed the trip to Austria, so hey, this trip should be pretty fun too. Anyway, I messaged my Mum about it, and she was like "April?? Sigh!!" because we still had TOB to run, at least in the first half of the month, and she, of all people in the TOB team can't afford to leave since she's in charge of it all. Even if we couldn't go, I wasn't that disappointed either because the suggestion popped out of nowhere, that if we didn't go, it wouldn't make much difference to us anyway.
That was, until my Mum got a call from Father R that same night - suggesting that I go on my own. If you know the young babby child that I am, that's a pretty big deal. When my Mum told me that, I was dumbfounded. Like, I have to be responsible for myself there. And I don't know anyone except a few people, since most of those going are newly baptised adults. I have to take care of my own passport and everything!! I could feel the anticipation and excitement of going somewhere on my own creeping up on me, and I was actually looking forward to it, even if it meant I had to be responsible for myself and careful, since it was France. But I didn't really care, because !!!!!! This is gonna be excite!! My Mum went to church on Monday morning (since she goes for daily mass anyway) to ask about the details and everything - and apparently I have the approval of my parents to go? I'm pretty sure they're trying to get rid of me lol and maybe this is the chance to.
That's probably the biggest thing that happened this week, to me at least. My Mum is getting a new Honda. I mean she's been looking at eco-friendly hybrids because her car is getting old and the COE for it is expiring soon, I think, and she wanted something that would save money and the environment. But the reason why she's getting a new Honda, is because the one now has been causing problems from wear and tear, and just on Tuesday the radiator overheated, so my Mum had to send it for servicing. While she was there, she decided to go buy a Jazz since it's cheaper than the hybrids she had considered earlier, and at least the service at Honda is reliable so das good. The car won't come until a few months from now, but the payment and all that was settled yesterday when I went out shopping with her.
I think my overall plan for the coming months in chronological order is:
1. Piano exam - March
2. Lab work - Mid-Jan to March-ish
3. France trip - April
With all that in consideration, I think I can definitely find a regular job Mid-April. Right now, piano lessons are twice weekly, I don't know how often I should go to the lab (since it could get repetitive and I can't do anything on my own there lol), and April trip. I could probably sell paper flowers for now, but I'm gonna try and make a proper bouquet first before I know what I can sell. Also I should probably tell my Mum just so she knows what I'm doing and where I am in case of anything. I should probably also learn a little French for April, (and some Indonesian lol) since I have time. Oh right, I still have to apply for uni LOL
Look Mr B, I'm spending my time wisely lol
omg shoes
I think I went shopping for more craft supplies one of the days, and I don't know what is wrong with me, but I always wear the wrong socks with my shoes. The first time was when I sent Hans to the airport, and I thought wearing my short black socks with my sunflower shoes, but that meant the tongue of my shoe rubbed against my skin. When we went to look for cheap socks, they sold four at ten bucks, and since we couldn't just buy one pair, I had to buy four at one shot. But the socks were stuck together by thread so Hans had to rip it apart for me and I just changed my socks in public. Another day, when I went to buy craft supplies, I wore socks that were too thin for my shoes, so my shoes kept falling off my heel making it really hard to walk in. Again, I bought another pair of socks, and they had the plastic thing instead, but I managed to pull it out since socks are elastic. To be honest, I had seriously considered bringing one of my proper socks with me that day. I can't believe I didn't just wear proper ones asdhofalsdkjfad If anything, I'm now armed with more socks so I can't go wrong - unless I make a really dumb decision again.
I did go back to school for open house, because I had to pass a junior my literature books anyway, so I thought I might as well be there to help out at the history booth. I spent most of my time at the history booth talking to our history teacher, Mr B. But kids being kids that aren't really interested in history, it was pretty boring. I tried reading one of the history magazines laid out, and I don't remember a single thing from what I read. I don't think that many people came to the booth. The new syllabus is pretty interesting though, like I would go back to school just for the lessons on Japan and the American civil rights movement, but I think that's in their second year, so I can't really since uni.
When I talked to Mr B, he kept telling me to get a job and I was like, yeah I know lol But I hadn't gotten word from the physiology labs at NUS yet, see, so I couldn't get a regular job until I knew when I was free. The lab technician lady went on holiday for like three weeks, and she was only coming back on the 18th, so that was a pretty long break of having nothing concrete to do. I even told him about my parents being in Doha to see my bro, and he was astounded by how I didn't want to go. Come on Mr B, who wants to go to the desert, but he was like how could you pass up an opportunity to expose yourself to a new culture. Touche, Mr B, but I couldn't do anything about it anyway lol
Lab experience
Since the lab tech lady was only coming back on the 18th, I assumed she wouldn't be in that day, so I decided to go the next day. I spent the 18th with the Boob when he came back to get his grades remarked. We couldn't spend much time together though, because his flight was the same night, and he had to pay phone internet bills that he hasn't done for the longest time. We went down to one of those mobile service provider stores, and it turned out that he didn't need to pay - he actually had money to collect instead. Turns out what he owed was paid using his deposit so he just needed to pick up the rest of the deposited money, but that needed a letter too. So, we went down to the hostel, searched for the letter, picked it up, and went back to the service provider store. But he couldn't collect the money. What he needed was a different official letter that allowed him to collect the money - which would be sent to him in a week. Welp, We went to watch Ip Man 3, so das nice. (The beginning was pretty hilarious, and the movie wasn't that dramatic with the fighting, but it was a nice change of pace to see Ip Man as a husband rather than just as an upright and righteous man.)
Now is the real important stuff: lab work. I had gone to the labs before with my Dad, so I roughly remembered where I needed to go. I got stuck for a little while because I couldn't remembered how to get to the Science department's canteen, but I managed. There wasn't really a fixed time for me to come down, so I technically wasn't late lol The lab tech lady showed me around the labs and brought me through the lab safety protocols, like knowing where the liquid nitrogen tanks were, the keys to the chemical cabinets, what kinds of waste goes into which coloured plastic bags, all that stuff. We probably spent a good hour and a half going through all of it, and things seemed like I could get an access card to the labs so I can come down on my own when I want to - but I couldn't. There was one bit on the list that I couldn't do: I think there was some kind of quiz assessment I had to take before I could get a card of my own, but the assessment was only available to those already in NUS. Since I was technically an outsider, I wouldn't be allowed to take it. The lab tech did say that I could contact either her or the PhD student I'm shadowing when I'm there, so that they can open the door for me, so that's still okay for now.
I spent the last half hour talking to the PhD student I was going to observe. I guess I wasn't really allowed to do any experiment of my own since, after all, it's her research work and she couldn't possibly risk anything if something went wrong because of me. Also because I wasn't there for official research purposes of my own. Still, following her around and observing her experiments isn't so bad. I think it's something about a protein and how it affects the formation of the cell membrane of cancer cells. There was something else about another kind of protein that affected the expression or formation of genes in stomach cancer cells, so the theoretical stuff she was talking about wasn't that foreign to me. She did say that sometimes the experiment itself can get repetitive, so I suppose I don't have to be there every day since there's not much point in observing the same couple of things repeatedly. I'll probably follow her around when the new PhD student joins the lab, so I can learn along with the new student. I should probably check with her when that's gonna happen.
teenagers
The other thing that has kept me busy is Theology of the Body, and I have discovered that I really don't know how to be a facilitator of my group. I think it's partly hard for me because 1. three of the girls already know each other so I'm the odd one out, 2. I know one of the girls. I don't know her personally, but I know of her and she knows of me because of children's choir. I was kind of hoping I could get a group where none of them know me so that sharing things with them would be easier since there would be no existing basis on which they could judge me or something. I was never social in church, not among fellow catechism kids or in the children's choir. Also I feel very out of my element because I feel like I have almost nothing in common with them. WHERE ARE THE WEEBS AND THE FANDOM FANGIRLS LET ME BE AMONG SOME PEOPLE I CAN RECOGNISE Also one of the girls is really quiet. My mum says it's because she's friends with the girl who was supposed to be in my group, but she changed parish. Still, I'd rather a quiet girl that I can talk to one-on-one than three girls who talk among themselves with whom I don't belong with lol Can't u tell Im a gr8 teenagr who is hip and kool and rel8table.
Anyway, while going through all the preparation for this, I was worried that they, as fifteen year-olds, wouldn't understand sexuality, relationships, or have even thought about it. I don't mean to say kids their age haven't experienced relationships or felt confused about themselves, but I think TOB makes more sense when you've been through relationships and problems - and you're fully aware of what is going on in such things. But then I came to the conclusion that it's only by going through such things and reflecting back on them, that you're then truly aware, so age doesn't matter.
I think it's more accurate for me to say that I'm worried they don't have the maturity and ability to look at experiences, reflect on them, and identify what they have done wrong or where to grow. Yeah, I think it's the ability to reflect, recognise mistakes, and knowing how to move on from there that they need. Even my Mum says that she wished she could do this for older teenagers who are at least a little wiser and more exposed, but as it is with Catholic teenagers in my parish, not many would want to come back for such things. And if we don't do it now when these kids are still in catechism, no one else will educate them on the church's perception of sexuality and our individual selves. It's at least better that we teach them these things while they're still in church before they leave.
Anyway, regardless of their maturity or age or whatnot, our purpose with TOB for now is to educate them, even if they don't fully understand it right now at their age. The point is to equip them with knowledge about how to wholesomely perceive sex and sexuality, and maybe some day in the future, when they're faced with such situations, they'll think back and use whatever it is we taught them to help them make their decisions. As long as they learn something new that is useful to them in the future, then we've done our job. Also it's about aiding them make decisions, not dictating them how to live, because ultimately that's their choice in the future.
I can't remember how my train of thought came to the topic about age and maturity lol I remember while I was reflecting on how TOB would be carried out, I was thinking about how embarrassing and cringe-worthy secondary school was like. You know, it's like when you wish past-you was current-more-knowledable-you so that past-you could have avoided all the embarrassing stuff that happened. But then I realised, that it is only by going through the embarrassing stuff - and reflecting on them - that you learn from them and grow in maturity. The fact that you can recognise how embarrassing things were means that you've grown. As much as I don't like fifteen year-olds because of the immaturity they possess right now, I can't disregard the fact that they have to go through it now so they can be better, more self-aware people later (as long as they actually reflect on what they've done wrong).
I feel like this part about teenagers and growing up is all disorganised, even though I had thought through it a lot whenever it crossed my mind. There's just so many things to take into consideration about maturity and the different kinds of experiences you've been exposed to while growing up, and how that affects your understanding and perception when you're older.
hon hon hon
The thing about going to France is a very recent issue that came up, in the most unpredictable, unexpected way. I think what's more surprising is that I'm allowed to go.
Last Sunday, I went downstairs to the church office to get the air-conditioner remote for the choir room, and as I was leaving, I saw Father R there. He came up to me (which I thought was weird because he doesn't really have business with me) and asked if I had anything to do from now until uni, and I told him I was free most of the time, and he was like good, you wanna go for another pilgrimage, and I was like wat. It was so out of the blue, and big trips like these need planning. It isn't just open to anyone - and it was in April, which I think in relation to the months of preparation they do, is quite short-notice. Like I didn't even know there was a France trip, meaning that the invitation for it must have been sometime last year. Neither did I think of Father R to be this spontaneous about something that needs a lot of organisation. He told me to ask my Mum if both of us can go, and he even told me to tell her that he said "things happen for a reason" as a way to sell this deal to her, because I just so happen to be there when he was around.
To be honest, I was pretty interested in going, but I don't really know why, or at least, I don't remember why lol Maybe it was because it felt like an honour to be invited since Father R asked me and not anyone else. Or maybe because it was like "ooh, France" and I quite enjoyed the trip to Austria, so hey, this trip should be pretty fun too. Anyway, I messaged my Mum about it, and she was like "April?? Sigh!!" because we still had TOB to run, at least in the first half of the month, and she, of all people in the TOB team can't afford to leave since she's in charge of it all. Even if we couldn't go, I wasn't that disappointed either because the suggestion popped out of nowhere, that if we didn't go, it wouldn't make much difference to us anyway.
That was, until my Mum got a call from Father R that same night - suggesting that I go on my own. If you know the young babby child that I am, that's a pretty big deal. When my Mum told me that, I was dumbfounded. Like, I have to be responsible for myself there. And I don't know anyone except a few people, since most of those going are newly baptised adults. I have to take care of my own passport and everything!! I could feel the anticipation and excitement of going somewhere on my own creeping up on me, and I was actually looking forward to it, even if it meant I had to be responsible for myself and careful, since it was France. But I didn't really care, because !!!!!! This is gonna be excite!! My Mum went to church on Monday morning (since she goes for daily mass anyway) to ask about the details and everything - and apparently I have the approval of my parents to go? I'm pretty sure they're trying to get rid of me lol and maybe this is the chance to.
That's probably the biggest thing that happened this week, to me at least. My Mum is getting a new Honda. I mean she's been looking at eco-friendly hybrids because her car is getting old and the COE for it is expiring soon, I think, and she wanted something that would save money and the environment. But the reason why she's getting a new Honda, is because the one now has been causing problems from wear and tear, and just on Tuesday the radiator overheated, so my Mum had to send it for servicing. While she was there, she decided to go buy a Jazz since it's cheaper than the hybrids she had considered earlier, and at least the service at Honda is reliable so das good. The car won't come until a few months from now, but the payment and all that was settled yesterday when I went out shopping with her.
I think my overall plan for the coming months in chronological order is:
1. Piano exam - March
2. Lab work - Mid-Jan to March-ish
3. France trip - April
With all that in consideration, I think I can definitely find a regular job Mid-April. Right now, piano lessons are twice weekly, I don't know how often I should go to the lab (since it could get repetitive and I can't do anything on my own there lol), and April trip. I could probably sell paper flowers for now, but I'm gonna try and make a proper bouquet first before I know what I can sell. Also I should probably tell my Mum just so she knows what I'm doing and where I am in case of anything. I should probably also learn a little French for April, (and some Indonesian lol) since I have time. Oh right, I still have to apply for uni LOL
Look Mr B, I'm spending my time wisely lol
Friday, 1 January 2016
Another Year Older, Another Year Wiser(?)
I know I barely wrote anything that happened in 2014, so talking about some things when reflecting on 2015 might seem like a large leap. I think this year (2015) has been a better year than 2014, in the sense that I have a better understanding of myself, and I'm not as socially awkward - as I made myself out to be (in my own mind). I guess I'll have to ramble a bit about the past two years in order to make sense of it all.
After an unintentional falling out in 2014, I felt really bad about myself for most of the year, on and off. And I knew part of the problem was my fault, my ignorance, and I never really knew how to deal with it. After that though, most of my year was filled with a sense of being judged by others, and being purposely ignored. I think that sense of people disliking me was my fault too, in the sense that with that sort of fear of judgement, I didn't make an effort to keep up with other people or bothered to know what was going on in their lives. I stayed away from social media (apart from tumblr lol) because I always thought of it as a Platform for Popularity, and I didn't want to get caught up in numbers and attention.
And it's possible that the fact I saw social media and socialising as a popularity contest, that I internally felt that I truly wasn't liked. I was barely involved in any socialising in school, so not a lot of people personally knew me. I felt as though if I wasn't talked to, no one liked me. Somehow in my mind, I actually did value attention that way, because what is your worth without recognition, or when there is no one to see you and validate you? Do you exist if there is no one to see you? Even though I knew these weren't completely true, I somehow got myself stuck in that mindset. Maybe it's being a ~ teenager ~ but I would get worked up too, about not being as pretty as others lol I feared being gossiped about as well, which was all the more reason for me to not put myself out there.
It's a really dumb vicious cycle lol I mean, it may seem logical that you'd be afraid of being seen again after a socialising failure in the eyes of a close group (large or small) of people you're in, but at the same time, I let that stop me from doing what I should have done, at least with those closer to me. Even if in school I had people I could comfortably talk to in school, I only had two people I could really talk to, intimately in terms of emotions. Even so, I knew that wasn't good, to put all my feels onto two people, especially when they both have problems of their own.
Speaking of which, maybe I should have learned from the past: that if I couldn't handle the emotional stress a depressed person has, I shouldn't do it again until I've understood what to do better and be equipped with the right traits for it. I think it was my fault for thinking I could right wrongs by trying the same thing again. I have unintentionally hurt him with my ignorance, but at the same time he has made me even more aware of what I really need to do as a friend - just that it'll still take me some time to be the kind of friend that he needs. But I also recognise that in life, people will have different roles in your life, and sometimes I can't be the bestest, closest, most reliable friend to someone.
All that aside though, at least some things happened in 2015 that were nice. Just the simple visit from a really really old friend reminded me that I'm not as lonely as I thought I was, or that I was cast out by old friends. I overthink too much and always assume the worst lol And at least over the past holiday, being able to talk with old friends has made me a lot more comfortable with myself. Then again I guess that's because they have the time to. Even so, having them over and sleeping over was nice c:
Also, I've always had this feeling about seeing people older than me. It's like that feeling you have in secondary 1 and you look at the sec 4s: they look like they know what they're doing, what they want to do; mature, intelligent, responsible. During orientation in JC1, I saw that too in the JC2s. But then once you reach the same level as them, you kinda feel like you haven't attained what you thought you would when you're at their level. That sort of wonderment is nowhere to be seen in yourself. Although maybe the problem with that is because the people you do see are those who are outgoing and extroverted, and you can't really expect that sort of change to happen instantly when you reach a certain age.
As much as an outgoing-society values outgoing people, I really can't bring myself to be like that. Knowing schoolmates going to parties and small get-togethers, makes me feel uncomfortable imagining myself there. I know, change starts from within, but it's still terrifying. People say JUST DO IT but, really.
lol
I made this post thinking that I've changed, but maybe I haven't. I just feel like all this talk about changing "for the better" (whatever "better" is) is really stressful, and I know it's not meant to be easy, and I know it's not intended to make me feel better. Poopy.
Enough sad feels and self-pity, time for the practical things I need to do lol
1. Get university application(s) ready
2. Go do lab work
3. Job? Depends on schedule
4. Piano grade 8 examination (worst case, only two months to prepare)
5. Write more (hopefully I can manifest some of my ideas into words)
6. Almost forgot: EZ-link card LOL
Oh yeah, I'm helping my mum out in church, with this thing called Theology of the Body. It basically talks about how God and His love is manifested through the human body, but the version for teenagers simplifies it to about how to perceive the human body as what it is (non-sexualised and appreciating our physical selves), teenage romantic relationships, and vocation in life.
Putting aside the God-aspect of it, I still think it's pretty interesting to see this perspective. You could talk about it from a societal level with the two extremes: conservatism that perpetuates the idea that anything sexual is a sin, to liberalism that permits permissive nature. The conflict between such extreme ideology is pretty much the context for The Handmaid's Tale LOL Even though there are some things that I don't agree with what the Catholic church disapproves of, I think what's most important is that the whole point of having these sessions is to propose to teenagers an alternative way of thinking - but what they choose to believe and follow is still of their own choosing.
Even then, what I think will rile me up the most are the parents or adults that aren't fully aware. Before we, the facilitators (myself included) can facilitate the teenagers, my mum showed us the unadulterated version. And I remember some responses by the adults that kinda put me on edge because I felt that they weren't aware enough of the various situations that happen in the "secular world". One of the mothers said that if gay couples can adopt children, their children will grow up "confused" and oh my God I wanted so badly to tell her how wrong she was. But I couldn't at that point in time because I didn't have a proper argument, and at the same time, she said it out of ignorance, so it wouldn't be right of me to be angry at her either. There was another point in the session about how men and women have different roles, and at first I got really annoyed by that - until I remembered that feminism is about being treated as equal, not about being exactly the same. Also, much like how you can't judge one religion based on your own religion, I think judging and over-generalising the world, based on your own terms according to your religion isn't completely fair either.
I don't know where I'm going with this post lol
I'm gonna get myself a cup of water.
After an unintentional falling out in 2014, I felt really bad about myself for most of the year, on and off. And I knew part of the problem was my fault, my ignorance, and I never really knew how to deal with it. After that though, most of my year was filled with a sense of being judged by others, and being purposely ignored. I think that sense of people disliking me was my fault too, in the sense that with that sort of fear of judgement, I didn't make an effort to keep up with other people or bothered to know what was going on in their lives. I stayed away from social media (apart from tumblr lol) because I always thought of it as a Platform for Popularity, and I didn't want to get caught up in numbers and attention.
And it's possible that the fact I saw social media and socialising as a popularity contest, that I internally felt that I truly wasn't liked. I was barely involved in any socialising in school, so not a lot of people personally knew me. I felt as though if I wasn't talked to, no one liked me. Somehow in my mind, I actually did value attention that way, because what is your worth without recognition, or when there is no one to see you and validate you? Do you exist if there is no one to see you? Even though I knew these weren't completely true, I somehow got myself stuck in that mindset. Maybe it's being a ~ teenager ~ but I would get worked up too, about not being as pretty as others lol I feared being gossiped about as well, which was all the more reason for me to not put myself out there.
It's a really dumb vicious cycle lol I mean, it may seem logical that you'd be afraid of being seen again after a socialising failure in the eyes of a close group (large or small) of people you're in, but at the same time, I let that stop me from doing what I should have done, at least with those closer to me. Even if in school I had people I could comfortably talk to in school, I only had two people I could really talk to, intimately in terms of emotions. Even so, I knew that wasn't good, to put all my feels onto two people, especially when they both have problems of their own.
Speaking of which, maybe I should have learned from the past: that if I couldn't handle the emotional stress a depressed person has, I shouldn't do it again until I've understood what to do better and be equipped with the right traits for it. I think it was my fault for thinking I could right wrongs by trying the same thing again. I have unintentionally hurt him with my ignorance, but at the same time he has made me even more aware of what I really need to do as a friend - just that it'll still take me some time to be the kind of friend that he needs. But I also recognise that in life, people will have different roles in your life, and sometimes I can't be the bestest, closest, most reliable friend to someone.
All that aside though, at least some things happened in 2015 that were nice. Just the simple visit from a really really old friend reminded me that I'm not as lonely as I thought I was, or that I was cast out by old friends. I overthink too much and always assume the worst lol And at least over the past holiday, being able to talk with old friends has made me a lot more comfortable with myself. Then again I guess that's because they have the time to. Even so, having them over and sleeping over was nice c:
Also, I've always had this feeling about seeing people older than me. It's like that feeling you have in secondary 1 and you look at the sec 4s: they look like they know what they're doing, what they want to do; mature, intelligent, responsible. During orientation in JC1, I saw that too in the JC2s. But then once you reach the same level as them, you kinda feel like you haven't attained what you thought you would when you're at their level. That sort of wonderment is nowhere to be seen in yourself. Although maybe the problem with that is because the people you do see are those who are outgoing and extroverted, and you can't really expect that sort of change to happen instantly when you reach a certain age.
As much as an outgoing-society values outgoing people, I really can't bring myself to be like that. Knowing schoolmates going to parties and small get-togethers, makes me feel uncomfortable imagining myself there. I know, change starts from within, but it's still terrifying. People say JUST DO IT but, really.
lol
I made this post thinking that I've changed, but maybe I haven't. I just feel like all this talk about changing "for the better" (whatever "better" is) is really stressful, and I know it's not meant to be easy, and I know it's not intended to make me feel better. Poopy.
Enough sad feels and self-pity, time for the practical things I need to do lol
1. Get university application(s) ready
2. Go do lab work
3. Job? Depends on schedule
4. Piano grade 8 examination (worst case, only two months to prepare)
5. Write more (hopefully I can manifest some of my ideas into words)
6. Almost forgot: EZ-link card LOL
Oh yeah, I'm helping my mum out in church, with this thing called Theology of the Body. It basically talks about how God and His love is manifested through the human body, but the version for teenagers simplifies it to about how to perceive the human body as what it is (non-sexualised and appreciating our physical selves), teenage romantic relationships, and vocation in life.
Putting aside the God-aspect of it, I still think it's pretty interesting to see this perspective. You could talk about it from a societal level with the two extremes: conservatism that perpetuates the idea that anything sexual is a sin, to liberalism that permits permissive nature. The conflict between such extreme ideology is pretty much the context for The Handmaid's Tale LOL Even though there are some things that I don't agree with what the Catholic church disapproves of, I think what's most important is that the whole point of having these sessions is to propose to teenagers an alternative way of thinking - but what they choose to believe and follow is still of their own choosing.
Even then, what I think will rile me up the most are the parents or adults that aren't fully aware. Before we, the facilitators (myself included) can facilitate the teenagers, my mum showed us the unadulterated version. And I remember some responses by the adults that kinda put me on edge because I felt that they weren't aware enough of the various situations that happen in the "secular world". One of the mothers said that if gay couples can adopt children, their children will grow up "confused" and oh my God I wanted so badly to tell her how wrong she was. But I couldn't at that point in time because I didn't have a proper argument, and at the same time, she said it out of ignorance, so it wouldn't be right of me to be angry at her either. There was another point in the session about how men and women have different roles, and at first I got really annoyed by that - until I remembered that feminism is about being treated as equal, not about being exactly the same. Also, much like how you can't judge one religion based on your own religion, I think judging and over-generalising the world, based on your own terms according to your religion isn't completely fair either.
I don't know where I'm going with this post lol
I'm gonna get myself a cup of water.
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