Sayonara, u weeb

So, Hans came back on the 14th last Thursday, and stayed until the 19th this week, to collect his school cert and come visit me lol It just so happened that by the time he came, we had two days of wake already, so he came on the third day of the wake, for the funeral the next day, and even went to church with me on Sunday. I think he was pretty okay with it though, 'cos like during the wake, he spent quite some time talking to my older cousins. (Also, one of my cousins was like "why no pictures of you two on your (my) instagram" hence the photo last Tuesday lel)

On Monday, I went with Daryl, Bei, (and Hans came later) to collect our certs, and it was kinda nice to see old teachers, and I was surprised they weren't bothered by us sitting in, even though it is kinda disruptive. Anyway, once again, talking to Mr B has made me aware of how unproductive I've been lol He asked me what I did these past few months - probably expecting me to say I've found work - but the first thing that came to mind was my sewing, so I told him I had been sewing lel I felt kinda self-conscious and critical of myself some time this week, partly because of that. But I know I did more than that these six months, surely, even if it didn't include a job. And yeah, I just realised I could've told Mr B I went to France, or that I had helped out in a running of a camp, but no, the first thing that came to mind was my crafts :I Although to be fair, I had forgotten when was the last time I talked to him (beginning of this year when nothing at all had happened) and the most recent thing was my sewing, so that made sense.

Anyway, we went to sing karaoke (I'msorryClaire) at NEX, and at first it looked kinda dodgy, but it was pretty well-lit, so it wasn't so bad. We sang mostly old songs, a couple of new ones, and had fun 'cos you know, none of us were there for serious singing (although maybe I'm 2 gud so it wasn't as funny when I sang lel)

On Tuesday, I went with him to buy my bro a large craftholic bear, 'cos his therapist had gotten him a small one, but a large guy like him needs one his own size, you know? And I had been thinking of getting one for him ever since he got the small one like a few weeks ago, but was wondering if it was worth it. Turns out it was, 'cos not only does he like it, he says he uses it as his blanket when it's too warm for a proper blanket, but cold enough to need some coverage LOL Also I wanted Hans to get me a stuff toy 'cos I don't really have something from him that I can see daily (except two McDonald Hello Kitties, I'm saving those to sell in the future), so we went around a few places, and finally settled on a pink flamingo from the airport ouo (like really, the airport of all places? But I like those generic animal stuff toys, not the ones from a series 'cos then I only see it as a character, not it's own being) We settled on the name Fran, because even though I saw the flamingo as a male, Hans saw it as a girl, so we just left it as Fran for Franz and Francesca. Say hello to my first genderfluid stuff toy LOL (Most of my soft toys are male to me, don't ask me why)

Also, my maid was hospitalised 'cos her skin condition got real bad. Like on the first night of the wake, she felt a chill, and the next day her leg was swollen. I think it's possible that she might have cut herself on the wood used to make the platform at my grandmother's place, which is how it got infected, 'cos I got a cut myself too and didn't feel the pain until the next day lol But anyway, it was a serious enough infection that she needed antibiotics in an IV drip. Hans and I visited her with my sister and her bf on Saturday. And I guess even though so much had happened during the time he was here, it was a good chance for him to spend time with my family too, especially since he'll be gone for long periods of time, and if he ever wants a future with me, he better get to know my family LOL

Anyway, with him gone, I went with Ju to watch Finding Dory yesterday, and we walked back and forth between JEM and JCube. We tried the claw machine for the Gudetama EZ-link card she wanted, and failed. Like I was so close actually, to getting one of the sumikko gurashi toys, like the claw actually picked it up, but then it fell through its grip, so :I y u cheat my feeling Oh yeah, I just realised that yesterday was the first time I bought a piece of clothing without my mum LOL Thank you, Ju, I'll wear that dress to uni (as long as we don't wear our dresses on the same day)

Today though, some drama went down during our catechism session, but I don't want to go into that, or at least I don't feel like I should lol But yeah, that's been my past two weeks.

What in the World is Happening

At first I was gonna blog about the Catholic camp I attended, but after the kind of immediate feelings I had, I thought it was better not to, so I hadn't written for quite a while lol Well, I suppose what I felt throughout the later half of the camp, was a sense of not belonging, like not really being the kind of person the rest of the group was: going out with friends at night, being extroverted, outgoing, and all that, so I suppose I felt a little left out. Talking to people on the first and second day is easier 'cos you know, you still don't know people so people will still ask you stuff and talk to you.

Every night we're encouraged to have group sharing, and I'm not sure which night it was, but me being me, with the "nervous-to-the-point-of-crying-when-trying-to-say-something-kinda-personal-yet-objective" I cried and I feel like slapping myself for it lawl But yeah, I suppose I felt a sort of disconnect after that. I think that experience made me hyper-aware of myself, so maybe I felt so conscious about myself that I didn't see myself as being part of the group, and just saw myself as you know, me lol I don't know how true that is, but now that I've typed this out, I think that was the real reasoning or thought process at the time.

And since it's naturally easy to talk to people who are as outgoing/talkative as you, no one really talked me for the third and fourth days. And it was nice that someone asked me to come over and join in on their conversation, but again, I felt like if I was there or not, it didn't matter, so I suppose I left the camp with that thought in mind: it didn't matter if I was there or not, since no one really asked me to contribute or something lol And when people say that they want to meet up again, I feel like saying "lol do you really? Are you just saying this out of obligation? Because if you really wanted to know me, gurl you should've talked to me more during the camp lol" But of course yeah, it some way they're saying it out of obligation, but that's what being a nice person is, to invite people to stuff.

I know that that's the wrong sort of mentality to have about these sorts of social situations. I can't blame someone for not talking to me, I can't place that sort of unspoken expectation on them, that's unfair, especially since they're nice people who did nothing to make me feel bad about myself. All of this was just sort of in my mind. And that was why I didn't want to blog about it as soon as I got back, because I didn't want to give a negative portrayal of people who did absolutely no wrong to me. (And I italicise that, because on the off-chance someone from my group is reading, I want them to know that the feelings I had are not the feelings I have of them as of right now.) Yes, feelings are important, but what's more important are the choices and actions you take as a result of those feelings.

Anyway, I mulled over that for a few days, and when other groups started making plans, I felt like "lol u gaiz y u do dis 2 me", but I think it was a chance for me to go out and be sociable, even if my instinctive feeling is "no". That being said though, I don't know if I can go out at all this following week ;w;

From previous posts, I wrote about how my grandmother had a heart attack. Over Friday night-Saturday morning, she fell pretty hard, health-stability-wise, so we were anticipating her to go soon. After catechism, my mum and I went over, and everyone else was pretty much there too. At least for now, she's stabilised, but she's probably on the edge of going. So if I'm not around, at least you know why lol

That aside, I got a call tonight, basically inviting me to this, uh, pageant thing. I was honestly really confused about it and ugly-laughed about it to Ju. Basically when Ju and I went down to pay for our camp fees, they took pictures of us too, and at first I thought it was so the seniors could get a chance to recognise us and stuff like that, but lol nope. They were basically screening for candidates for a pageant they're gonna hold, and they choose people based on personality (from what they can see) and appearance and here's where I ugly-laugh.

Like, seriously? You're choosing the short girl, with braces and freckles, who used to be chubbers in primary school (and maybe some of secondary school), and puts little to no effort to her appearance (I have done absolutely no form of shaving or make-up in my free time), doesn't post any photos of herself, and came to the thing in a t-shirt and normal-length shorts. Looking at the photo shoots they've had, and the video documenting their event, I am not one of the people they're looking for, mate. You want girls who actually look like uni-going age, with long hair, average height, slim faces and little to no stomach lol

Okay lah, looking at the photos again on their facebook page, they look pretty normal irl but still, this is not the kind of thing for me lol And I suppose this came as shock to me too, after another incident I had when I went to buy craft supplies from Daiso lol I was walking from the station to J-Cube, and this young, Chinese lady approached me, and asked me to fill in a small slip of paper, asking for my name, age, and phone number. When she gave me the small sheet and pen, I just stood there kinda dumb, 'cos it was only then that I realised what she was asking me for LOL (I really need to get back into Chinese otherwise I can't understand poop) I thought it was just some survey thing, but nope. Basically I think they were trying to find people for their modeling company, and I got (what I assume) her personal business card, and then went on my way. So, it was a pretty weird experience, to be offered a possibility of modeling.

Anyway, thinking about the call now, it's not that bad, or at least, not as bad as it was made out to be from one photo, that wasn't even from the event in the first place lol Still, I ain't gon do it lol Feels so surreal really, to look at the kind of people they've selected before, and to think that they actually saw me as a possibility. Anyway, that's it lol I don't think anything big happened so ye.