To Do: Housework

I kept thinking that during May I'd get myself a job or something, at least for the month of June, but now those plans have changed - I have housework to do lol I suppose I should kinda start from the beginning so it makes more sense.

At some point at the end of last month/beginning of this month, Joc's skin eczema started getting worse, like real bad, as bad as it was when she had to go for phototherapy. When I went with her for her consultation, I thought things were gonna be okay, because I think the last time, my mum got fed up since Joc wasn't really up for it. Unfortunately, the same thing happened again :/ I don't really want to go into detail about it, but basically it boils down to my mum and Joc not really seeing eye to eye anymore.

I guess it's because as much as my mum tries to help - with actual medical help and treatment - Joc doesn't want it, maybe she sees it as her being a burden, or that it won't work or something. I guess it's that sort of frustration when you offer someone help/advice and they just don't want to take it, for whatever reason. Of course, frustration brings about Real Bad Feelings, to the point that even when I hear my mum raise her voice, I get really stressed out by it, and you can really feel the tension.

Anyway, Joc's gone back home for holiday for the next three weeks, so it's me, my bro, and sometimes my mum who will be at home during most of the day. We're trying out this cleaning service for the next three weeks as well. They'll mostly do the vacuuming, mopping, toilet-cleaning, stuff like that, so I suppose I don't have to do that lol But I'll still have to do my part and help out of course. Yesterday, I tried my hand at vacuuming and wiping the floors (with that wet-wipe-cloth-broom-thing lol), but I suppose what we really needed was some ol' fashion mopping. Apparently the cleaners said their mops were all black after mopping lol orz There is the matter of Dal of course, so I'll probably be the one to walk him, sometimes feed him at night.

Also my bro and I will have to figure out how to cook lunch for ourselves, which I thought was gonna be simple to do, but I'm afraid of accidentally burning myself, from either water or oil lol That doesn't solve dinner though: so far the plan is to order in, which I suppose is okay, but I don't know how long we'd last. Yesterday, my sis came back home for awhile, and she cooked us 2-minute noodles lel And today my mum showed us how to cook the instant udon and other stuff with it, like fishcake, mushrooms, some vegetables, and some chicken. It was quite a lot of food though, even if it just tastes "eh". Tomorrow will be the real challenge for us, though.

That aside, there's also the sec 3 catechism retreat for their confirmation, so I'm helping out in that too. After seeing my mum tired and kinda stressed at the meeting we had around last week (it could also be because she just doesn't work well at night lol), I knew I had to do more, at least in some way. So I just do the "hard labour" stuff, like pasting the newspaper cuttings onto mahjong paper as its backing, or pasting sticker labels on the Jenga blocks for a game, or sanding down the Jenga blocks 'cos one of the boxes we got had some glue-paint-thing on them.

I suppose I could still afford to go out and get myself a job, (I was hoping to at least for June) but not all of them are that flexible with like, 3 days a week or something. Some require to go on weekends and I'm like gurl I can't afford that. Some places don't even state their hours. So, if I still want to find work, I might do that when I get my university timetable and work around that, as long as we don't have to go to school everyday. Also there's stuff like uni orientation camps coming up (even the NUS Catholic society has one held in my church lol) and Hans is coming back for five days in July, so

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Basically I can't really go out for extended periods of time 'cos I don't know when I might be needed at home or by my mum.

Ah well.

I Said Hey

I don't know what's going on lol

When was the last time I wrote? About two weeks ago? And it feels like so much has happened that I can't remember what happened lol I don't think anything big happened, though. All I remember was going to Claire's house to have pizza (so she could use her special pizza deal LOL) about two weeks ago, going out with Daryl and Abbi before he flew off for a retreat last week, and going to Jo's house to just hang out.

Other things that happened was me and the France pilgrimage group celebrating Father's (belated) birthday with him one night, and I made his card (mostly just to try out my brush markers lel). Eh, it was kinda like the same as the trip, where I didn't really have the chance to talk with other people or have that much to talk about. I think I could've made the card better, but I think it was still p cute ouo Also TOB is officially over, but I'm still helping my mum out with catechism for the rest of the year, since you know, I still have nothing to do for the next few months. At least helping her out gives me something to do, I guess.

I also put up new noticeboards and wrapped the borders with washi tape, and I think it looks p cool and better than the original boards I had. The old ones were suck onto the wall with foam tape though, which I can't for the life of me get rid of, so I just had to use the new boards to cover them up lol orz Also my bro came back from Qatar, and we've been eating a lot of food he's been missing, but eh nothing much apart from that. Also my bros can be real annoying >:V But I don't want to talk about it. I don't like being upset lol

Today I feel kinda empty, and I don't really know why. I kinda think maybe by keeping myself occupied I can feel a little better, like you know, to know that I'm doing something and to distract myself from being empty. So I guess that's why I'm writing this even though I don't really have much to write about (or nothing much comes to mind) and then I'll probably do that quiz thing I'm supposed to do for the sec 3 catechism retreat, make more pages of my postcard album, maybe clear out my drawers.

Eh.

France Pilgrimage: Eh, Probably the Only Post You Guys Will Read lol

I uh, don't really know what to title this post. It's supposed to be about stuff in general, like the people in my group, my personal experiences - everything that's not knowledge or information basically lol I thought to type all of this down first since I'm more likely to forget them than head knowledge about the saints and places. But now that I think about it, I guess you wouldn't be so interested in the churches I went to, or the saints I learned of lol If there are any photos I want to put online, I'll probably put it in a separate post.

People

I guess I should begin with the people in this group. Considering that the France and Italy trips are kinda like a crash course on Catholic churches and historical events, many of these people are newly baptised. (It's not like the Austrian trip which was more for those that have been on previous pilgrimages and already know their stuff.) Some of them aren't though, and are accompanying their baptised siblings/spouses, or if not, they're like me to complete all four pilgrimages lol My roommate was on this trip because she had been on the previous three and France was the only one she missed out on.

Quite a handful of them were old, like in their late fifties or in their sixties, but we ranged from 20 to 50 as well. I was the youngest of course lol but I can't say I'm surprised people still asked me what I did for a living, considering that, well, everyone else was. Either that, or others mistake one of the twenty-year-olds to be the youngest, so I don't know where that puts me :I That being said, a lot of people didn't look like their age. One of them was a teacher at one of the polytechnics and she doesn't look in her late forties, and some thirty-year-olds didn't look like they were above thirty. I even assumed that some of the twenty-year-olds were still in uni ;w;

My roommate is older than my mum by six years and gurl, let me tell you, she don't look it. She has kids that just turned thirty and aren't married yet, and here I am, still a babby. She's p chill with me though, now that I think about it. At one point, Father told her not to (I'm paraphrasing here) "hold onto me tightly and let me hang out with the younger people" and I'm like wAHT. (She herself said that she doesn't hold onto her own daughter that tightly.) If he was talking to my mum, I'd understand, but like. Father pls. No one is forcing me to hang out with an old lady and her married friends. I'm there because I know no one else and have no one to hang out with lol I'm not saying that the younger people are bad, just that you know, I don't know them and I wouldn't proactively ask if I can hang out with them. But if they ask and insist that I do, I honestly don't mind and I'm kinda happy about it.

I'd say more, but after this trip, I kinda feel like I shouldn't speak ill about others. I'm not saying that anyone was absolutely definitely terrible, but there are just some people I'm kinda "eeeehhh" about.

2nd-3rd April: The Flight

Like the Austrian trip, we had to transfer in Doha - but I didn't know that the total flying time would be almost twelve hours ;w;

I don't like flying, sadly. Since I was a kid, I would kinda get this clinical, sterile feeling from the dry air in airports, and my stomach would feel kinda empty. You know how as a kid, you're supposed to eat sweets so that your ears don't pop? Yeah, I eventually got sick of the taste of hi-chew, fruitella, caramel werthers and all other sweets, because the taste reminded me so much of the plane. Also they make your throat dry, meaning you have to drink the water on the plane - which tastes horrible too. (I've learned how to go without them entirely now, so das good.) Also with braces on, it's really troublesome to thoroughly brush your teeth. I settled for just brushing without toothpaste, so that at least the bigger chunks were out, but ugh, after this, I really like having the chance to brush my teeth often.

Anyway, we had two flights, one to Doha, and the next to Paris. Our first flight was delayed because the safety video wouldn't play properly, so we couldn't fly off until the everyone saw it in full in their respective languages. Well, I don't know if there was any other reason for us flying longer than we needed to, but by the time we landed in Doha, we only had ten minutes to catch our next flight. Ten minutes.

Since our flight from Singapore was a night flight and we would end up in France in the morning, we had to spend most of the flights sleeping, which is what I did lol I didn't sleep very heavily, kinda like at half an hour intervals. I think the other problem with braces, is that you drool a lot. Also, I try to unpop my ears by yawning a lot, but that means inadvertently swallowing air too. When I coughed, it seems like I needed to barf, but really it was me barfing out air in the form of burps.

When we first landed, the Paris airport didn't seem, spectacular. It looked kinda old with concrete walls, and for some reason, their travelators are really rubbery, so when you step at some parts, it kinda depresses? Weird. French scenery isn't that great either, considering winter just ended and many trees are still naked lol

We got a Portuguese bus driver, apparently. According to my mum, one of the previous French trips had a really bad driver who would just stop for no reason and even threatened our priest once. I guess that's why we got a Portuguese driver this time? I actually didn't know he was Portuguese at first, but all I thought was that Paulo isn't really a French name. I guess I should've known by the Portuguese writings on the windows too lel

Anyway, I was assigned to sit in seats second from the front - right behind Father. [I know I called him Father R before, but that feels so weird, so Imma just call him Father.] Also, before the trip, I was assigned to be the "choir" for the masses (we had mass every day) since 1. it's not my first pilgrimage and 2. my mum had to do that before on the Austria trip so I know what to do. That being said though, I knew only 2/3 of all the hymns before I left. I raged so hard when I tried to learn the ones I didn't know, but at least that worked out in the end, since I kinda learned them along the way (I only left out like four songs lel)

Intermission: Steam

Looking through the notebook I was writing in during the trip, I wrote down that I created a steam account. I guess I wrote it down because I knew I hadn't written it on my blog yet so lol Yeah, I made an account because my bro wanted to gift Stardew Valley to me, and along the way, I bought myself Shelter 1 and 2 since it was on sale, and I thought it looked really cute ;w; It's a game where you play as a mother badger and wolf-thing-ican'tremember (in the respective games) and you have to lead your five kids through different levels and survive through them. Your kids can die from starvation if you don't feed them, preyed upon by big birds, get lost in the dark, swept away by waves, or die in fires ouo Still a cute game.

Anyway, the first round I played it, I lost one to starvation, because I couldn't feed it while being chased by the big birb; one fell behind when we were being chased by same big birb; one was lost in the darkness (when they hear a noise and scamper away from you, and you can only save them if  you chase after them and keep them within your field of vision); one accidentally died when waves in the river swept it away (I didn't know you had to run across the river in one shot and that you couldn't stand on the rocks in the river ;w;), and the last one died a similar way 'cos I had to turn up the river at the last minute. I wrote down in my notebook that I was gonna replay it to keep at least one alive, and I did! I don't know if I should be proud of myself or not ;www;

4th April: Photographs and Postcards

I think it was on the second day of the trip, that I decided to forgo my mum's camera and just takes pictures using my phone instead. It's troublesome to have to bring the camera, my phone, wallet, notebook etc down the bus, then take the camera out, turn it on, and put it back into my jacket, over and over again. Also, the camera is kinda old, so the quality isn't the best.

That being said though, it was a good idea of me to take out the microSD card from my old phone and put it into this one. Initially I was worried that I would take too many pictures, judging by what happened in Austria where we had to buy another SD card for the camera since we ran out of space lol Turns out I had just under 400 photos at the end of the trip. I didn't take that many pictures either, and just took what was pointed out to us, since last time, I have pictures of things I have no recollection of. Also this trip had fewer sights to see, so I suppose that also meant fewer photos.

I also figured out how to take pictures of stained glass that I wouldn't have known how to do on the camera: change the EV settings lel Don't judge me, k, I have no technical experience with cameras and photography ono

Since there will always be shots I can't take, it's time to collect postcards!! At one of the churches we visited, we were given a short amount of time to go to the toilet and browse the bookshop, and honestly I should've gone to the bookstore first. All I wanted was a postcard that was 50 cents, but everyone else in front of me were buying loads of stuff since the lady at the counter had no small change, so they all had no choice but to buy a lot lol And I was the last one in the line, so, ;w; (all that for a 50-cent postcard...)

Also yesterday, (Wednesday the 19th) when I went out with my mum to Raffles city, I got myself a photo album binder, as a way to keep my postcard collection together. I have some photo albums at home, but they're the kind where you pull back the plastic sheet, place your photos on the paper, and put the plastic back, meaning that you can't really take them out again. Also those pages are yellowing and I don't know how much longer they can last. Alternatively, not all photos are the same size as postcards, so I can't fit them into standard photo pockets of albums. So, I had two options:

1. get a ring file with those plastic file pockets, use those photo corners that can stick to paper, and stick them onto coloured cardstock and file them.
or
2. accordion photo album (preferably black) and do the photo corners

I ended up getting an empty photo album binder, and now I'm cutting my own pages to the size I want, decorate the pages, and stick my postcards on with the photo corners. The other good thing about this is that I can put in as many pages as I want as my collection grows. I guess it looks kinda cute, but it's not quite what I had in mind. If I had a black accordion book with a lot of pages, I think it would look a lot classier lol But at least the current method is better than what I thought of for the first option.

5th April: Nosebleed

On the night we reached Lourdes, I got a nosebleed c: Good job, me, I held up the whole group as they waited for me and my roommate to come down lol Even our resident doctor of the group was sent up to our room by Father to check in on me. I don't know how long I took, but I knew I couldn't stay for very long so I couldn't wait till everything was gone. I went down still with tissue in hand (still pinching) and walked around with everyone else with it lol People kept asking me if I was okay, and I'm like "lol chill bruh bleeding noses in the cold isn't such a big deal" (some still asked me the next morning) but I guess I'm happy to know that they were so concerned about me.

6th-7th April: A Day and Lunch in Lourdes

Okay, this was kind of a big deal to me, because the night before, Father was telling us about how the different language slots for morning masses at the grotto worked. Each language mass has a specific timing, so the English one can be really packed with Americans and other English-speaking pilgrimages groups - in other words, we wouldn't be the only ones celebrating mass there. How they decide which priest celebrates mass though, depends on the seniority of that priest. (He recounted once, a previous time he was in Lourdes, how the American priests didn't bother asking each other what position they held as they prepared for their own masses, while he sat by the side with his stole. Then this priest from Malaysia came in, sets down his bag, and took out his bishop hat-thing and all the Americans immediately hushed up and knew their place lel)

Anyway, that didn't mean I was off the hook yet for choir duty since it was still possible that Father was the most senior among the priests at our mass, so I was kinda freaking out like "amg what if I have to lead all the hymns and I mess up in front of foreigners should I prepare songs that they know in case we're the one celebrating mass and they have to follow our lead omg the responsibliyt ithe preusseure"

Turns out we were pretty much the only people there, and even if there were others priests with their own pilgrimage groups, we outnumbered them, so. Mass just kinda went on like usual, but I had chosen some of the 'Murican hymns anyway, for any of those that were there. I guess I just overthought the situation, but it was just like the masses we had been having the days before lol orz

Later that day, we had stations of the cross, which is basically a prayer that goes through the journey of Jesus from Pontius Pilate to his tomb, and it was on this huge hill that was pretty steep at some places, both going up and down. My legs were so dead after, that I struggled to sit down and standing up was a better alternative lol

Anyway, we had a procession at night, which started at 9 pm (I swear, it was still as bright as 7 pm in Singapore) and ended at 11. We each had a lighted candle and prayed the rosary in our own language as we walked towards the square, where the rosary basilica is. (They do this every night, even on the rainy night before we left, and carried on despite only having around a hundred people, I think.) It was an interesting experience though, because there are so many people from all over the place: the group behind us was Korean, in hanbok. At the basilica itself, there were representatives from different countries, so they take turns to lead the rosary in their own languages.

The next day, we had like four to six hours on our own to go around Lourdes lol I kinda forgot how big the place actually is, and that Lourdes isn't just the area where the basilicas are. When you go further up and cross a bridge or two, there are quite a lot of restaurants and stores. My roommate and I crossed the bridge, to what is, according to the lady at the concierge, is the city centre, and walked along the river, looking out for restaurants that sold crepes.

We stopped at one of the restaurants to look at the menu, and the manager came out and asked if we wanted a table outside, and we were like lol no. He said that he thought we would like such cooling weather, until my roommate (I should just call her Kat from now own actually lol) said that it was too cold for her, then he took her hand and was like "yes, it is cold!" then proceeded to bring us in and gave us glasses of hot water, for our hands. Then he brought us another two glasses of water, "for drinking", saying that the first one was just for our hands lol

He's such a nice guy though, in his forties, running what looked like a family restaurant-diner, with bar and all. He even had regulars coming in - and almost none of them spoke French. They were either Italian, Spanish, or I think even a couple of Germans? And he spoke to them all. I suppose I should've known judging from how there were different menus for different languages, but I didn't expect him to actually speak it.

We had couscous in an African-style stew, and that was the day (well, one of the days) I ate vegetables that I wouldn't have eaten otherwise. It was quite a lot for one person, but we (and by we, I mean me) managed to finish it. Then we had normal french pancakes with chestnut cream, which I liked, 'cos it wasn't so sweet and sticky. I mean they're not like the Japanese crepes, but I liked it anyway.

After lunch, we headed to the pharmacy, 'cos Aunt Kat needed somethingidk, and Father was there, purely by coincidence. After we left, we stopped by a store selling priestly garments, (because Aunt Kat has been meaning to do some embroidery work for Father, so I guess she went in for inspiration), and again, Father was there! After that, he accused me of stalking him ;w; (later on, when we were in the same elevator in the hotel, he wouldn't live it down. Fatheryudodistome) Anyway, I found a nice pendant for my mum, and then bought a pin too for 4 euros. When I handed my 5 euro note to the guy at the cash register, it took him like 30 seconds to realise he hadn't given me change yet LOL

At night, it got real cold 'cos it was raining, and omg life is suffering without gloves. I could move my fingers, but I couldn't really feel them. At some point, we went back to our room, and saw Father and (I don't know what to call her? But her name's Anna) Anna come out of their room, and the asked if we wanted to get a drink with them, and we were like "lol okay" So we went back outside, and we ended up not having drinks with them lol Aunt Kat wanted to find a place where she could get some breakfast stuff since for the next day, we had to wake up super early before breakfast was served. Almost everywhere was closed, so we looped back, and saw two big dogs outside a store. I assume they're supposed to guard the shop, but omg they're so cute!! So big and fluffy >www<

Hold on, let me pause; now that I'm reading through my notebook, I can't remember what happened when omg Anyway, what I'm gonna talk about next is kind of an event on its own, so lol okay whatever

7(?)th April: Lourdes Bath

I kinda don't really want to talk about the bath itself, since for many, it's a personal experience, so anyone if there's anyone reading this and hoping to go for it, I don't want to spoil the experience for them. Also, I personally have not much to talk about it, so I'll just recount what we did that morning lol

We were told by Father that there would be a queue forming by six in the morning, so us being kiasu, we were told to reach the gate by 5.45 latest, if we want to get a chance. Aunt Kat and I woke up at 4 I think, shared one cup of instant noodles - as breakfast - got ourselves ready, and reached there by 5.30 - and it wasn't us who were the early birds, it was almost everyone else in our group LOL We then discovered that the baths open at 9. Our group was practically the only people there, until 7+, and that was when normal French people would come.

Anyway, we spent the time shivering, and "learning" some yoga from our resident yoga instructor, in an effort to keep ourselves warm. It kinda worked, for me at least, to stop shivering, if I just stopped and focused on breathing deeply... And then I would go back to shivering lol At some point in the day, it started drizzling, so someone managed to contact one of the volunteers at the bath, and allowed us to sit under the shelter, so that wasn't so bad. I was still shaking, though, and my legs were still freezing and I felt really sleepy too. My number check buddy (we have this system where you need to check for the person before and after you in the number list) and her irl flatmate came to all of us with bread from the breakfast spread in the hotel, which was a (pffft) Godsend LOL But really, it's nice to eat bread when you're cold and hungry, even if the bread is cold too I don't care it was fooDO

And then came the bath, which for many, was an emotional experience, but for me, it wasn't like a revelation or something. But that's okay, people can do the same thing but experience it differently at different stages in their life. If anything, my "emotional moments" were in the next place we went to.

9th April: The Hills Are Alive

No, we didn't cross into Austria lol (Would've been a nice surprise though, to cross into another country during this trip, but this isn't the Austrian pilgrimage) We did end up in the mountain range of the Alps, though, and stayed in a monastery for two nights.

The ride up was quite pleasant: first you see snow-capped mountains in the distance, and then as you go uphill, you notice some forests in the distance dusted in snow, and then you actually see the snow on the road. And we were like !!!!!!! SNOW. When we arrived, it was snowing ever so lightly that you couldn't really tell that it was snowing. The snow we got was nothing like what my mum had during her trip: the snow was so thick, that the statues outside the monastery were almost buried completely. But there was just enough fresh snow for me to enjoy and have the chance to touch!!

Also, the monastery is nothing like what you'd expect of a "typical" monastery. It looked more like a hostel, with a common cafeteria, a basic room to sleep in, different dormitories, and common areas along the hallways. Father probably scared us all into thinking it would be super cold 'cos we're so high up, but I survived on my three layers (and with the heater at max lol)

Even if our room was as small as the budget hotel room we got the previous night, I honestly preferred the monastery room, even though your alternative heating is two extra blankets, and the bathroom is just slapped on in the corner with a round shower with retro orange plastic walls. The water there is really hot though, so we were pretty good lol Maybe it's because Father sold the idea of the monastery to us like it was gonna be stone walls and no heater with a room shared by six people (my perception of a dorm), so what we got was really better than we expected.

We were also fed really well at lunches and dinners. A salad, a main course, yoghurt or cheese, and dessert, and even bread! There was so much food omg but I really liked their desserts and yoghurt amg

On the first night, we had a procession similar to the one in Lourdes, but on a smaller scale. I didn't know we would be going out in the cold after dinner, so when I came down for dinner in my pyjamas, I had to go back upstairs to change >:I The procession of the first night wasn't my "emotional moment" though, it would be the one on the next night, which I will get to when I get there lol Anyway, as expected of a mountain, it's really cold at night, so cold that you can even feel it in the basilica. Later that night, I was invited by the younger peeps for hot chocolate, which was nice. I didn't talk much, but hey, hot chocolate!!

10th April: A Good Day to Cry (not hard)

This is probably the only day throughout the whole trip that I actually felt emotional? I don't know why, but anyway...

I had a chance to walk around outside in the morning, and took some nice mountain shots - it's only before breakfast that I learned we weren't allowed to go outside oops. Some of the snow melted and became ice, so it wasn't the safest for us (especially the older folks) to go out alone in case they fall and no one knows. Even when we had the chance to walk up one of the hill/mountain/thing after lunch, Father was watching with is eagle eyes. Like seriously, his room window looks straight at the mountain where most people were, and you could hear him like a hundred meters away as he shouted out the name of whoever was going higher than they should.

The poly teacher, resident doctor, fiancee-lady and I ended up sitting at the slope at the edge of the path to just soak it all in. There was some silence for awhile, until poly teacher said that she actually wanted to "sabo" me and wanted me to sing some hymns, and I was like "lol sure" so I did. And for some reason, I started tearing? Like I literally had no reason to cry, it's not like any of the songs had a special meaning to me. But maybe it was just because she asked and wanted to actually listen to me or something that touched me. I don't know if she noticed me crying (sunglasses-that-are-big-enough-to-cover-glasses ftw) but just the night before, she was talking about how she noticed some people having really emotional moments after the bath and how she ended up tearing with some of them too.

Anyway, the rest of the day was more processions, of a different kind, but the night one was the same one as night before. This time though, apparently it was too windy to process outside the basilica, so we had an internal one, within the church. This was the next, supposedly emotional moment.

Okay, first of all, the reason why I say "supposedly", is because when I felt it the first time, it wasn't emotional at all - but at the end of the trip, when we had to share the most important moment for us on the trip, I struggled to talk about this moment, and cried and I'm like ???? Honestly, I think the reason why I cried was because 1. everyone else had some sort of emotional experience to share, and 2. talking about personal things to strangers can be nerve-wracking and a struggle lol Moving on.

During the procession, there's one moment where all the lights are switched off, except the two lights that shine on their statue of Mother Mary, and our lighted candles. And even if I'm Catholic, I've never really felt an attachment to Mary, but for some reason, in that silence and how white the whole statue looked as it stood out from the blackness, you can't help but just have your eyes fixated on her. And in that brief minute, I felt so peaceful, and I was kinda excited too because I recognised it as a peace that I wanted. It's kinda hard to explain what exactly it was I felt. It wasn't really a feeling of content, or that "floating in the silence of the universe" kind of silence. It was just, peace and quiet. I don't really know what it was, but I've probably only felt it one other time before, on a less noticeable scale. I don't know man.

11th April: Boutique Hotel

This was the night we were supposed to bring our overnight bag for, because we were told we wouldn't be able to bring our luggage with us. So we were all prepared with clothes for the night and the next day, but then suddenly this buggy came out from nowhere with some of our luggage in it? And it was kinda funny 'cos people took turns riding in it with, the hotel's chef at the wheel, going p fast to and fro from the bus lol

Turns out, that the hotel we were staying in had a real tiny lobby area with an tiny elevator, and stuffing 52 of us + luggage in one elevator would mean transporting each person to their room is nearly impossible. So, we just left our luggage in one of the side rooms of the lobby (safer than just leaving it in the bus I guess) and had to use our overnight bag anyway. And I feel so cheated because the hotel is actually bigger than you expect on the inside, and that we had so much more space for our luggage compared to the previous places we stayed at. Like come on, at the budget hotel, I had to lay out my suitcase in front of the door.

Well, technically it's longer than you expect, not necessarily bigger, but the restaurant seemed like it had no end as you walked through it, and the floors had hallways, and plenty of rooms - and even the room I got, could accommodate a four-person family. It had a child's room??? With baby cot and bunk beds!!

there's even a sitting area, like wat

child's room, with added toilet!!

Sadly, someone used all the hot water that night, so bathing was a struggle in cold water.

13th-15th April: Paris

Again, I don't know what happened on what day, but I can remember what happened in chronological order lol Anyway, according to our bus driver, Paris (and Marseilles actually) were two of the worst places in France in terms of safety and pickpocketing, so we had to be wary and watchful of our belongings. It was actually a good thing that I had the uniqlo jacket with me, because it has inside pockets!! (I discovered it when I stuffed my notebook in my jacket, and then realised it didn't fall out, because it slid into the pocket and I was like yus sekret pockits) That's where I hid my phone, wallet, and notebooks lol

Anyway, we went to Sacre Coeur, which was a hotspot for cons. As we were walking up to the basilica, you could see guys with cups on the ground, moving it around and you have to guess where the ball is, that kind of trick, right. And it's not so much of being cheated of your bets, but it's when the con artist's buddies see where you take your wallet out from and pickpocket you from there. Even when we were being briefed by Father, poly-teacher-lady said that she noticed two young guys eyeing people's bags as the walked past, not at us or our faces. I didn't notice at first, but later as we lined up to go into the church, I noticed this one guy standing by the side of the line, stretching as he faced us, and I'm like, that's not really a place to stretch? And that was one of the kids looking at our stuff.

Me being the youngest, I was kept close to the center of the group, even though I was perfectly capable of walking on my own lol All I had to do was keep my hands in my pockets, and give everyone a death stare as we walked lol I was fine when we were given time in Notre Dame (in Paris) and I walked around the place by myself. Still, it was nice walking with other people around me, looking out for me 'cos I'm the babby of the group ;w;

We went to Montmartre nearby, and poly-teacher-lady asked Aunt Kat if it was okay for me to go with the younger people lol I did anyway, and spent most of the time with Van+Mel (future sister-in-laws with each other) and omg, I don't understand how they can buy so much. We went around from place to place to look at postcards at a cheap price, and then they nearly bought the entire store when we stopped at one of them. Admittedly, there were quite a lot of cute things in Montmartre. Even some of the artists in the square had pretty good artwork too. Then I went with Cat+Steph to the bookstore at the basilica, bought myself another postcard and an autobiography of Pope John Paul II's life before he became pope. (Father showed us the movie on the bus again (my second time watching it) and I really like him okay omg he's such a nice guy ;www;)

Also, lunch earlier that day was kind of a bad experience. Not the lunch itself though, more of the, well, other patrons that just so happened to have lunch the same time as us. Paris attracts a lot of Asians, like I knew about how many Chinese go there, so I wasn't that surprised to see Koreans there. I went to the toilet at the restaurant, and there were some Korean ladies lining up in front of me. When I went into the middle stall, the toilet wouldn't flush and it was clogged, so I came back out, stood back in front of the line and tried to tell them that it couldn't work. And then, one of the older ladies came from behind, pulled me aside, and went into the stall I just said couldn't work and I'm like ????????

I mean yeah, I was bothered by her pulling me to the side, and technically you "cut the queue" but why would you still go in?? When it's kinda apparent by the wads of tissue in the bowl that it's not working?? You do know that your two-three sheets of tissue is just going to make it worse right. I gave up and just went into the next toilet (also not working) and just not give a poop about it. I was upset at that point, and I wish the rest of our group didn't have to use the toilet because omg there's no point in using them, and I was also upset with that Korean lady. And because there was only one stall working, it took a long time for our group to get out of the restaurant.

On the last day, the same day we were gonna fly off, we were dropped off at Galerie Lafayette to go shopping~ Again, I went with Van+Mel to look at clothes, and while they were at Zara, I told Mel I would be at the store just opposite to look at clothes. So I did, tried on some clothes and bought myself some stuff, but when I came out, the two of them were gone. I knew they would be looking for me (because I'm the babby and if anyone lost me I'd sue them for negligence lol) so I kinda hung around the same floor. I finally thought that maybe I should message Aunt Kat (there was free wifi in the building), asking if she had either of Van or Mel's numbers. I ended up finding poly-teacher-lady's group and asked if I could go around with them, and when I told Aunt Kat who I was with, she said that I'm okay as long as I don't go around on my own.

Turns out she thought I was outside the building, which was why she didn't want me to go around on my own lol But I still wish I could, then I could've bought more stuff that I wanted ;w; When I went around with a group, it meant that I couldn't really take my own time looking at stuff I wanted, so I just followed them around. Even when we got back to the meeting place, there was an hour and forty-five minutes left to walk around, but I sat there with some other people to watch over other people's bought goods. Also my feet were tired. And there were a lot of Chinese people at the tax refund counters and it was pretty crowded. I still wish I could've bought more stuff there hhhhhhhhhhhh And I wish I was allowed to go around on my own ;www;

The plane flight back was pretty okay, actually. I slept for most of the second half of the first flight, to the point that I fell asleep on the second flight before the plane even took off lol Also the second flight was a lot less crowded, like almost half of it was empty, so we each had a lot of space. I spent my time rewatching Bakuman and sleeping lol I slept at four in the morning that Saturday night and woke up at 1. The remaining days were of a similar sleep schedule, but I'm slowly sleeping and waking up earlier. Also when I came back, I learned that I failed my grade 8 exam lol A passing mark is 100 out of 150, and I got 93 so :/

Now I need to put my suitcase back in the store room downstairs, and actually clearing out my suitcase wasn't so bad since there were a lot of clothes I didn't wear lol I didn't even use my mum's heavy duty jacket or use the woolly sweaters, all I needed was three layers for temperatures greater than -5 to 20 degrees lol Anyway, I think that's most of what happened during the trip! My other posts will probably be stories of the saints and churches themselves, so yerp, good job for reading 6500+ words!!

France Pilgrimage: Preface(?)

Hopefully I can write down everything that I want to write down, unlike the first time I tried making my Austria trip posts lel Anyway, I don't think I'll be allowed to write down every single detail about the trip, because our priest wants to keep it secret. Like on Facebook (social media in general) we're allowed to put up photos of the places we've been to and the things we've seen, but we're not allowed to explicitly say what church/cathedral we went to. I suppose it's for many reasons:

1. so that people who have never been on the trip (but might someday) can experience things first hand without any expectations
2. all of it is planned by him and his brother (I think) and he brings us to places that are off the beaten path, so when unrelated people know about it, it's not as special or as precious a place if everyone else knows. I guess the effort spent to specially seek out these places would also go to waste if their whole route was out there for everyone to see.
3. it's a pilgrimage: you're there to experience it and learn from it, not treat it as a tour lol

That being said, I don't really know how to organise the stories and histories of some of the places. I was thinking of putting the personal events in one post, stories of saints in another, and the more well-known places/churches in another (like Lourdes, Notre Dame+Sacre Coeur in Paris etc) since you know, the information on those saints and places are more accessible, so anything I write here might not be new lol Also, I think I should reorganise and rewrite all the notes I took on the trip into another notebook, 'cos I have bits and pieces all over the place inside the one I brought. For now, I'll transfer the photos onto my laptop (I didn't take as many as I did in Austria actually) and get started on writing as much as I can on Monday (maybe. no promises.)

Come Fly With Me, Let's Fly, Let's Fly Away ~

It's kinda hard to believe that it's already the end of March, huh? In just two days, I'll be flying off to France. People ask me if I'm excited for it, to which I usually say "eh" and shrug my shoulders, but I think that's just because I'm reminded of packing and having to take care of myself, when I just want to stay at home and play Story of Seasons ;w; I guess the other thing I'm worried about is how cold it would be and whether I packed enough warm things for it.

Anyway, last week has been pretty okay, at least better than the weeks before lol Eh, it might not be very interesting since they're just things that happened, but I guess I should write them down anyway?

My mum and I were invited by my piano teacher to have lunch with her cousin and niece, which was nice. At first I thought things would be kinda awkward for me, since I don't know my piano teacher's relatives that well, but we stayed for a pretty long time chatting with each other. After that, my mum wanted me to get new clothes, which I can't complain about lol Got two blue rayon blouses that look real gud, and striped legging pants. My closet is slowly devolving into blue, black, and white, with some red.

The next day (I think it was a Tuesday?) I went back to the lab. I don't think anything big was going on then. All lab lady showed me was how she did her cell lines. Basically, different kinds of human cancer cells have been recorded and documented in the form of cell lines, and these cells come from diseased patients from long ago (since cancer cells are practically immortal). What lab lady showed me was some of the plates she had been culturing, and how she created a new one from an existing one, since it's possible for them to overpopulate, and das no gud.

The reason why I say nothing big was going on, was because that was all lab lady had going on, in terms of lab work lol The rest of the time, she mostly had paperwork to do, so I assume she's planning her next round of experiments. I assume she released a paper too, (the one with the western blotting) so she could be following up on that after its publication. I should probably look for it and see if it exists lol Anyway, I read up on cell lines and the controversies behind them while I sat around. Basically it's about how scientists use contaminated cell lines but don't declare them in their published papers. So if someone's research paper is based on stomach cancer cells, but it turns out the cell lines used were contaminated with something else or mislabeled, they don't declare that has happened, so a lot of misinformation ends up spreading. Like some papers show that a drug intended to treat stomach cancer, doesn't work on actual patients, since the lab tests were on a completely different type of cell. And I'm like, y do u let dis hapen.

The biggest thing weighing heavy on my mind during the past week though, was my psalm. Once I settled the changes I wanted and all that, and finally did it, omg it was such a huge relief. When I went up to sing it though, somehow it felt like everything slowed down, and I thought I was singing the verses too slow, because it felt like the choir sung the response at normal speed. When I was done, I thought it could have been better, and when the members from the other choirs said that I did well, a part of me thought that they were just saying that - although I don't think they have any reason say something like that just unless they meant it c: As nice as it was to receive praise from people for it, I think what mattered more was my feelings about it. I was just happy that it was over, and I suppose listening back to it again (someone in the choir recorded all our psalms lol) I did better than I thought lol At least it's something I can be proud of, and if anything, what others have said was there to back it up.

On Sunday night, we went out to eat Austrian food, in celebration of (initially) my acceptance into NUS, and was apparently in conjunction with my bro passing his exams and moving on to his next semester. For me at least, reaching that night meant having my piano exam and psalm done as well, so it meant more of a sigh of relief to me. I had veal wiener schnitzel, which was tender enough for my metal mouth, and the poached pear and cranberries was pretty good to moisten it.

Aside from that, we've come to learn of Dal's many ailments. When we came back home on Sunday, we noticed him limping on his right side, which he had never done before, so it was a big cause for concern. My bro and sis brought him to the vet earlier this week, and it turns out he has so many problems: arthritis, ear and skin infection, heart murmur. I suppose part of it is our fault for assuming nothing's wrong with him, since we never really saw any problem with him, so we never brought him to the vet for the longest time. At least now, he's taking his medication pretty well, and looks better than he did on Sunday. The vet said that he should have four to six more years left in him, so I hope he can still stay around a little longer.

Apart from all of that going on, I've been packing my luggage for France. My mum passed me her tiny camera for me to use, and omg it's so smol, and I don't think the quality is that great? So I might use my phone camera a little more often, and to do that, I'm trying to transfer photos from it onto my laptop, and deleting the rest. I also had a micro SD card from my previous phone that fits into my current one, so that's pretty useful, and I sorted through that one too.

It felt kinda weird though, 'cos I don't know if some of the pictures are worth saving? I suppose I kinda want to save most of them, (even if they are poopy wa pictures lol) because I won't get them back again. And at the same time, it feels kinda weird having a completely empty gallery on my phone lol Anyway, looking through some of the photos made me realise how much fun I had in secondary school and the beginning of JC. Seeing photos of them then, and then thinking of them now, some of them have really grown.

I'm glad I had the chance to look through those pictures, though. At least it has made me see "what has been", instead of the "what could've been" that I've let myself stew in. Things aren't as bad as I had made it out to be, basically, and I think in the near future, in university, some things can be reformed and bridged again.

While I was looking through them though, I had a pretty heavy conversation with Daryl about friendships and needing attention/someone to talk to. I suppose the problem in the past, was that friendships were built on the fact that you see the same people five days a week, and once school's over, you don't really stay in touch since it's technically "physically inconvenient" to meet up. But at the same time, I guess growing up means learning how to maintain social relationships, too - just that I don't know how often those meet ups are supposed to be lol I do hope I can become a better friend, and surround myself with good people that I truly care about.

Anyway, I'll probably spend tonight going through the rest of the photos, zip them up on my laptop and transfer them to a thumbdrive lol I also need to rewrap my earphones (I do the friendship-bracelet kind of knotting on them lol), go through hymns for daily masses in France (I'm in charge of the "choir" since I'm among newbies that aren't in any church choir lol orz), and finish packing. Hopefully in France, I can find postcards too, that I can send to people ouo Also I can spam my instagram account with photos from France heheheheheheh

Hello Friends I am Here

Actually, I started writing a post like almost a week ago, but I stopped halfway 'cos dinner was ready, and then I didn't come back to the post for like, a week lol Also writing the post gave me some sad feels that I didn't want to deal with.

For some reason, the past four weeks have been kinda meh for me, for multiple reasons. Initially, it was friend stuff, and then later, was choir and piano stuff. It was kinda like Bad Feels lasted for two weeks each lol but now that piano is over, I guess I'm a little more settled now. I guess I'll split it into two parts, and try to summarise as best as I can.

Part I: Friends Old and New

Since I have so much free time, I've been doing more stuff in church. Also it's lenten season, meaning that there's even more stuff for church ministries to do lol Each ministry was scheduled a few hours for Lenten adoration that we, individually, could choose to go for. It just so happens that the night I chose to go for, was the same night I was to go out with my old friends. As much as I was sad to miss out on watching Zootopia with them that night, I know that wasn't the real problem that plagued me.

At this point, it's kind of complicated: part of me thinks that if I hang out and be with them, I'll be happy, because whenever I miss out on going out with them, I feel disappointed in myself for "not being a good friend". And even if I do go, I end up upset and feeling out of place lol

The day before the outing, I thought the reasons for me feeling bad about myself, was because I had been absent for so long, and that it was my fault for not being there. I thought that had I been involved the whole time, I would have felt better about being with them - and I suppose in some way it's true. But apologising wouldn't make the bad feelings go away either.

She said that they had intended to surprise me, and that made me feel better, because I thought it meant that they still cared about me and were thinking of me - and that I could still belong there. That didn't really happen though, and for awhile that got to me, but at least I knew the reason why it didn't happen, and after a few weeks, I feel pretty fine about it lol [It's okay, at least you tried c:] That aside though, the next few paragraphs are my feelings about the two outings, that I wrote a week ago. I'm leaving it here since those feelings are still kinda true, even now:

Basically, during majority of the time I spent that day, I felt out of place. I felt that there were two very distinct moments though: dinner, and walking to the station with Nas. Even though the latter part was so short, it made me realise why I felt so bad most of the time: no one really asked me anything or wanted to listen to me. The only time when I can conclusively say I was reassured, was when I was talking to Nas when she asked me what I had been doing. Honestly though, I don't know if that was because I had nothing to talk about, or if I had been left out of the loop for so long that I didn't know what was going on in the group - and I didn't know if it was my fault. At some point I thought, maybe it really is, for not getting involved a lot with them. And that led to an even bigger problem.

The next week, they all went to a cat cafe - and I wanted to go, but it was also the same night my mum had her shoulder operation so we were to visit her in the hospital that evening. And I think a part of me, after last week's experience, made me want to not go to the cat cafe. When I told the group planning it that I was going to visit my mum instead, only Nas replied in response to it. Maybe it's the fault of my overthinking brain, but at some point the reasoning in my mind was that no one really cared, since only one person even replied to it.

When I saw photos of them that night, I was so upset lol, having fun without me. And I hate myself for being envious of them, I know it's my fault, for not getting involved or interested in what they had been doing, how can I expect them to do the same for me right lol I really struggled with all that this week, and at some point, I guess I found some "resolution" in thinking that they don't care about me so I shouldn't be so concerned about them - but I know that's not the right thing to do at all. I don't know if them not caring about me is even remotely true at all.

I guess it was kinda like when Daryl had a really depressive episode lasting about a week, and when I learned what kind of help and attention he needed, I tried so hard to get the rest of us to help him in the way that he wanted. I kept thinking that if we really wanted to help, then we should make an effort to do what he wanted of us, even if it was just trying  - but then I realised that not everyone is the kind of person to ask and listen. Is it because they genuinely aren't the kind of person to do that, or do they just not want to try?

But at the same time I know, I know that if there's no active attempt at showing someone you care just by asking if they're okay or how they've been, it can feel really lonely and isolating, so not doing anything is just gonna make it worse for them. But at the same time, I know the person in trouble can't expect to be approached, or unfairly place an expectation on others to just care, especially if the other person doesn't know what's going on.

I don't know, but I guess I know that all I wanted was to be actually accepted back into the group by being asked stuff and whatnot, so that I know that you guys actually want me there. At least Claire telling me of the surprise was a step in that direction, which made me feel better. But at the same time I don't know if I should just give up and put my heart at rest. It's really tiring and painful to be told that a group of people care, and end up not seeing that played out through actions (and I suppose Daryl could say the same.)

I suppose my thoughts of being uncared for isn't really in the forefront of my mind, and after wtiting that post, I didn't know whether to publish it or not, because I don't really know what their feelings about me really is.

And maybe what made those feelings so apparent, was because the week after those events, I went out with Daryl, Bei, and Abbi to watch the school musical. Bei was gonna be at work, so it was just gonna be Daryl, Abbi, and me hanging out before dinner, so I suggested watching a movie. Abbi didn't like watching movies (ikr how can she omg) so it was just Daryl and me, watching that Chinese mermaid show lol When we met up with Abbi, we had a lot about the movie to tell her. [Honestly I was kinda disappointed that it wasn't like those "good bad" movies that Stephen Chow does, but eh, it's okay I guess.]

We had dinner together, then went for the musical (which I had a lot to talk about that night, 'cos it was bad-bad) and we walked to the park later nearby to just kinda waste time, since the musical ended earlier than expected. We spent most of the walk there, uh, critiquing(?) the musical, and then walked back to go home. All in all, I spent most of the day talking a lot - and when compared to hanging out with old friends, I thought it was really worrying, or was a bad sign of some sort.

Anyway, that night, I had brought up the suggestion of going to the open house at NUS the next day, since my mum was trying to push for me to go. So I met up with Daryl and Abbi, since Bei was going with her own friends. I managed to convert the two to life sciences, since apparently, according to insider information, there was some veterinary science going on, and you could do a double degree/major with psychology, so that really appealed to Abbi and Daryl respectively lelelel

We met up with Bei later, then headed for dinner at a katsu place. Me being me, and not expecting myself to go out for dinner, had little money with me ;w; Bei offered to fund me an additional $5 dollars (thank you, auntie) but I decided to just owe Daryl $10 lol Also I really liked their shredded cabbage, 'cos it didn't feel so damp or overpowering like big cabbage shreds would. After that though, I hadn't really talked to anyone (even Daryl) for two weeks, since I felt kinda poop about myself - again.

Part II: Choir, Piano & Post-Piano Stuff

Again, since I have a lot of time, I volunteered to do one of the seven psalms for Easter vigil. It was going well, until we had to kinda rehearse in the main church itself, with the priest in charge of it kind of overseeing it. The nerves I felt though, was not out of fear of singing in public, but because I hadn't really practiced it, so when I kinda messed up, I knew that it was my fault. I was so worried that I was gonna be arrowed about it, because I knew something was wrong - but I wasn't arrowed for the mistake I made.

The priest was pointing out little things here and there in general about what to take note of and whatever, but when it came to me, gee whiz, I was terrified. I don't know why it upset me so much, because I know objectively it wasn't anything harsh or demeaning. Honestly, I think it was just me being me, not wanting to be called out for a mistake I made, or being told I did something wrong. I think ever since I was a kid, somehow I thought that if a teacher talks to you personally about something you did wrong, was a bad thing lol Which I know, objectively is good and nothing wrong, but I never wanted to be the one who was thought of as having a problem.

Recounting it now already makes me cry lol I felt so bad about myself, not only because I was called out I guess, but because I felt bad about it in the first place. I know being oversensitive isn't good, but being told that it's bad and then succumbing to it even though you know you shouldn't, makes it feel like you failed lol

So, for most of the week, I didn't want to practice my psalm, because of how poop thinking about it made me feel. I spent most of the days being unproductive, playing Story of Seasons most of the time lol And then piano drew closer and closer, and I hadn't really practiced aural, and then that made me feel worse, and the cycle repeats lol After trying to write this post, and was reminded that I hadn't been to the lab for three weeks (at the time of writing that post) I felt bad about that too, for being gone for so long.

But then, I realised that there wasn't really any point in feeling bad for something that I can't change now. One thing I remember from that biology Chiang Mai trip, when we were climbing that dumb mountain range, I kept telling Jess to "focus on what you can do now", to try and calm her down and keep her focused on moving forward, rather than possibly falling down. So, eventually I started practicing my psalm and piano aural again, and I did feel better about myself. At least I did something productive lol

I guess in some way, saying "focus on what you can do now" is more effective, at least to me, than saying "JUST. DO IT." because it doesn't so much like a command, but rather a way to shift you into a realistic frame of mind. Sometimes we think we can't reach a certain goal because we're just physically incapable of doing it, be it in resources, time, or skill. We focus on what we can't do, instead of what we can. I'm not saying we shouldn't improve ourselves, but rather to shift our perspective to what we can do about something right now.

Anyway, I had my piano exam yesterday. My mum brought me there almost an hour early, because she thought it was at 11 instead of 11.30 in the morning lol And while I was waiting, I thought I was going to be okay, and if anything, my pieces can carry me ;w; Boy, was I wrong lol I don't know if it was because the room was cold, that when I started playing my fingers wouldn't move, or if it was nerves or whatever.

Basically, I messed up the middle of my first piece, I had a couple of slips during my second, but because it was so long I don't know what mistakes I made lol, and I messed up the second last line of chords in my third piece. I messed up most of my scales (he asked me too many staccato scales omg),  and I misidentified the cadence and its chords. Other things like sight-reading, sight-singing, singing the lower voice, and commenting on a piece was okay, since if I made any mistakes, they were pretty small. I came out of the exam knowing I did kinda poopy, but neither did I feel that disappointed in myself lol I knew where I went wrong, so I guess I didn't really hope for much.

After my exam, I went to watch Zootopia with my mum (which was more than the animal puns and jokes that I had expected, it was pretty moralistic lol), and bought some clothes (I have a shirt with a big birdie ouo) In the car, my mum said that my brother had bought something for me, which is terribly erroneous: he just bought more terrain-making stuff that he wanted me to help with. I'm not disappointed to be honest, I wasn't expecting much from him lol

Other than that, last Sunday, my Dad asked me where I wanted to go for dinner to celebrate my acceptance into NUS, but I didn't want to go just yet, since I had piano the next day hhhhhh But I'm glad it'll be on another day though, probably Easter Sunday, when my choir worries are over lol

I'll focus on what I can do now, instead of moping about the past four weeks. Tomorrow I'll be going back to the lab in the afternoon, and I still have about a week to pack and prepare for my trip to France. Hopefully I can diligently journal down the things that happen during the trip lol For now, it's back to helping my bro with his terrain.

First Official Order??

Well, some interesting things happened this week: I went back to NUS for more lab stuff, I got an order for a notebook from a stranger, and TOB was well, interesting, I guess. Maybe I should go in chronological order?

[EDIT: Braces, I forgot to mention BRACES!! I got the upper and lower done on separate Saturdays because of tiem, and I guess it hasn't been that bad. I did feel some pain on my protruding molar, but after a week it's gone, so I assume it's been pushed into position lol With the lower braces on now though, my incisors hurt, so I can't really bite anything (even baneeners ;AAA; Chewing is fine though, my braces don't really get caught on my cheeks. At least now I can say my teeth are extra shiny. Okay das all lol]

After last Saturday's TOB session, I told my mum in the car that the session wasn't very clear, and that it could've been phrased differently so that it makes more sense on our teen-aged level. When I read through the student's book, I remember there was one paragraph (about our bodies and physical appearances) which I think was what the teens really needed to hear, but she didn't talk about it. So I raised that point to her, and she just kinda sighed. I don't blame her, it's not easy to coordinate lessons of majority of the content. Like out of twelve chapters of stuff, she's doing like what, three-quarters maybe, so it's tiring to do it on your own. I guess this is where I come in lol

The chapter this week is about hope and redemption in Christ, which ties in with Lent and about how Jesus died for us to take away our sins, and that the sacrament of reconciliation is good and full of acceptance, rather than it being a time to have your wrongs pointed out and be ridiculed for it, which, as a teenager, doesn't make much sense. Also, from my own experiences of Catechism in general, my batch was mostly cynical, uncaring kids. I know, 'cos I've kinda been there before, thinking I know everything already. But I know from experience, that sometimes, the one's who suppress their emotions the most and harden their hearts, have only done so because they've been through difficult, emotional times.

Anyway, after reading the chapter on Monday, I couldn't help but think of some of the people I know of, and I just wrote some stuff down, about how saddening it is to see friends hating themselves, and I just went on from there. I kinda hesitated showing it to my mum, not only because it's something I wrote and have not much confidence in my writing lol but also because I wanted to let it settle first and see how I feel about it later.

On Tuesday I talked to my mum about my thoughts on the chapter - and then she assigned me to do the beginning of the session. It's kinda built on top of something that we did the previous time: a gallery walk with things like "books I've read, friends I've made, things I've muttered under my breath towards my parents" etc on different sheets of paper, as a reflection on our past and all the good and bad we've done. And after they've walked around, someone comes around with a crucifix (Jesus) to take it all down to symbolise that he takes responsibility for all that has happened in our lives. If you look at this, you just kinda think "yeah yeah, I know what you're trying to get at; whatever", and even I thought that too when I went through TOB the first time lol So, I was tasked by mum to do this this year.

The first time I wrote the script, it was like one thousand words long LOL Then again, I combined the gallery walk aspect and the thing I wrote the day before, so that it ties in better, and makes it more relatable to teens. Basically, my point was that the kind of love our closest friends show, those who listen to our self-hatred but listens to us and accepts it anyway, is the kind of love Jesus has for us. At least to them at this age, I think that's the kind of unconditional love that they can resonate with most and understand. I don't know if someone just had a runny nose, but when I got to this point in the script, I heard some sniffling lol And according to the other facilitators, the quietness at that point was the quietest the teens have ever been, the kind where they're really taking in what is being said, and I can only hope that's true.

If I had more time, I would've talked about pride, mostly because I myself know about that lol All the times I didn't want to own up to something, or thought myself the victim, or didn't show appreciation to those closest to me, or that something we did technically wasn't wrong, or berated myself and felt guilty for what I have done yet made no attempt to amend it. This issue of pride has stuck with me, because at the end of one of the adult-TOB sessions, the presenter, when talking about confession, said that the greatest sin of all is to think we have none. That really made me rethink what it is I have or have not done, and has made me want to correct myself.

Anyway, my focus was more on the "Jesus loves you" aspect because we as teenagers often can't see that as possible, to have someone love us unconditionally with all the hatred that we posses towards ourselves. And I think I myself have failed to do that when I should have done so. For the longest time I thought I knew what to do but I never knew how to - but I should just do it anyway, especially when I knew what was going on (I'm sorry I never came to help earlier.)

Yeah, it took me awhile to try and be satisfied with what I wrote, because I didn't know if what I was going to say would be meaningful to them, or if they would even be open to accepting it, but I guess from the feedback from the facilitators and how well the session went, it's all good. Even when I asked each person in my group a question they each had an answer (even the quiet one!!) so I'm proud of them c:

I also went back to the lab, from Wednesday to Friday, because the lab lady said the lab tech has her own experiment she's carrying out, and that I could ask if I could observe her while lab lady is away during Chinese New Year. Lab tech was doing protein cloning, which involves all the splicing of bacterial plasmids with a specific gene to mass produce a certain protein. However, the focus of this week was doing some western blotting that lab lady asked lab tech to do for her. Basically it's kinda like gel electrophoresis, but for proteins. And since the bands are invisible, you can either use some fancy machine that is light-sensitive, or you can expose it to film.

Lab tech is a nice lady, and I think she's the lab tech and safety person-in-charge of her floor because of her experience. Funny though, is that she can be forgetful and a little clumsy at times. There's one part in western blotting that needs you to transfer the bands from the gel to the membrane, and she forgot to put the membrane on in one of the trials. If I wasn't there watching her do it, she would've forgotten the last one LOL

She even let me carry things around and do things, even if I'm not allowed to do any sort of experimentation!! On Friday, we were supposed to let boxes of membranes swish around on a rotator, but the time to do that coincided with her AV duty for a seminar, so she left me with her access card and told me to put the boxes on the rotator at 11.50 that morning. And I was left alone for like 20 minutes while she was gone, and it was so awkward sitting at her table, no lab coat on, and everyone else is doing their own thing and I'm just, waiting. (Waiting to do my duty hOOOOAAAAAH) I even put on gloves just to switch on the rotator. (Apparently when you're outside, you're not allowed to go around with lab coats or touch things with gloves on, so like opening a door from outside needs an gloveless hand, because the glove itself is "contaminated".)

Anyway, I went down to return her access card and sat in on the seminar, given by quite a young lady with her research on stem cells and neurodisease therapy. I managed to understand some concepts, like a gene mutation that produces a faulty protein that causes motor neurons to fail, and how they discovered a drug to extend the lifespan of faulty motor neurons. I didn't understand everything though, so I looked up an article about their research, and then I realised that I have a big job to do as scientific journalist. I really need good understanding of the science before I can put it into words that normal people can comprehend, and if I can't understand it myself then welp lol

That Friday, I had lunch at the NUS science canteen. It was okay. I had spent wednesday's and Thursday's lunch at Clementi. The reason why I didn't eat at the canteen the first two days was because I didn't want to be faced with the awkward situation of not having a place to sit, among people who go there almost every day and have classmates to sit with. Also I wanted to go Art Friend, but the former reason is still more true ;w; Anyway, I had to eat at the canteen on Friday 'cos we would get our results later that day!!

We went to the fancy room with all the scanners on the floor below us. I had been there before with Lab Lady who talked me through some of the stuff she does with the PCR machine, and it's not that easy to understand. That was a good time though, because I asked a lot of questions and learned something lol Anyway, we tried one of the scanners, but it wasn't really showing any results, so we went to the dark room to do the old fashioned way, that Lab Tech was more accustomed to doing.

Their dark room is really weird. It's like half a column protruding from the wall, with a rotating door which is like three-quarters of a black tube. So you stand in the opening, spin the door around, and it opens to the dark room. And good gourd that room was dark. It took at least like five to ten minutes for my eyes to really adjust to it, and I didn't dare move in case I bumped into someone or accidentally walked into a machine. They only had two red ceiling lights, a table where you keep your cassettes and film, a sink that I didn't recognise was a sink, and some machine that you put your film in after exposing it to the western blotting membranes.

We spent some time there, and had some success with one of the proteins. You could see some efflorescence from it quite well and had good results on the film; but the one that should have worked, didn't. Even after trying a different dye-like-solution-thing, not all of them showed up on the film. Lab Tech said that she might have washed the membranes too well that the protein markers (antibodies rather, that attach to the proteins) were washed away so they didn't show up. Anyway, she was going to redo the antibody part of the procedure on Monday, when Lab Lady comes back. So, I don't know if there'll be anything for me to observe this coming week.

And the thing about my first "official" order happened one night, and I just totally freaked out. I couldn't believe I got an order!! From someone I didn't know!! I even asked Bei if it was a friend of hers (she's been sharing my carousell posts on fb lel) and it wasn't, so it must've been a lady who just came across it and wanted one. And it felt like it was so sudden when she asked for custom stuff and I was like so excite!! It's been a couple of days though, and it's gotten me kinda worried. This lady requested for a custom-made notebook, with lined pages and a name on the front, and they both are challenges in their own way.

 I hadn't really thought about how to go about doing lined pages. Initially I thought I could use lecture pad, but the problem is that if I fold A5 pages (into A6) the lines of each folded sheet might not line up with each other, and lecture pad always have that wider space at the top and below. I managed to figure out a solution though. I watched a video about how to use lined paper in bookbinding, and there are programs that do the lines for you, so hecky ye.

Now for the name. At first I thought she wanted me to cut out a name on the cover, (like my first notebook) so I said 30 cents per letter lol but it turns out she wanted me to write it by hand on a name tag, like the one on my second notebook. She wanted me to do it in cursive, which is uh, kinda hard for me to do, with permanent marker. I spent about an hour trying out different variations, and sometimes it pains me so much, when you do it nicely once, but YOU CAN'T REPRODUCE IT AGAIN!! There was one that I did really nicely, and it would've been a shame to not use it, so I thought, why don't I just cut it out, and then paste it on the tag if she likes it. I even used my curved scissors to do the rounded edges, and I must say, I think it looks pretty darn good. (You can message me for pictures, I'm too lazy to upload anything rn)

I was kinda dumb to think, "oh, it's handwritten? I can lower my price for names lawl" so I made it 10 cents per letter, but I didn't think it would've taken me so much time to deliberate and struggle over how to write the name orz Even if I did lower my price, she hasn't replied for like, a couple of days now. I think I remember Carousell saying that the connection was lost or cancelled or something when I last heard from her, so I don't know if that's the problem. I can still message her fine though, like it gets onto the server or something idk. I don't know if this is what they consider "backing out", but even if she doesn't want it, I'll still make a lined notebook because I can experiment and figure out how to do it nicely. It's gonna be a real challenge though, to cut the paper nicely and evenly, and to get the lines match up nicely from page to page.

Yerp, that's what happened this week. I'm still waiting for a reply, I really really want to get something sold ;wwww;