Change?

Long time no write lol I guess it would seem like this post came out of nowhere, but I felt like I had to write this. It's been something bothering me for quite awhile, and I guess I needed to put it down and verbalise it, instead of just leaving it in my head, where it gets twisted.

I suppose the starting point of this thought is kinda random: I was watching some videos of youtubers I used to watch in secondary school, and I saw that their latest videos were that of them essentially moving away from the platform for multiple reasons, that seemed to have happened all at once. And I guess, I never occurred to me that they had been making videos for ten years. And I remembered that they used to be people I was in awe of. And I don't know, I guess I felt, old. Anyway, they're not really the point. I guess it was just another manifestation of something I've been sort of afraid of: have I actually grown up?

Thinking about people I used to watch, led me to think about people I used to know in primary and secondary school, as in people I knew about, the people we (the usual bunch) used to talk and complain about lol And I feel like they people they are now, are kind of what I expected from them, but yet I also feel like they're far removed from where I am now. As in, I feel like I'm not like them, when some part of me thinks I'm expected to be: dressing up, going out, being social, making friends, whatever. Fair enough, that kind of thing was never my thing, but, I don't know, I feel like doing those things are typical of people growing up and growing older. I feel like I didn't experience things that "majority" of people have - and I guess that makes me feel like I've missed something.

I don't know if that's true or not. I mean, yeah, I guess those sort of experiences are what some people have as part of their growing up. Like in those choose-your-own-adventure stories, there are some paths which are taken more than others. But I guess I feel like that's just one of the reasons which makes me question whether I've really grown.

I feel like I'm still the same person, in a way, at least since my time in JC. I'm still afraid of many things (what is social interaction haha), there are things I don't want to face, things that I have felt and have not gotten over, and I don't want to grow up. Yeah, I got new responsibilities, but doing isn't always the same as being. And I guess the thought that I haven't changed as a person is what terrifies me. Like I'm falling behind, like I'm not being the person I'm expected to be, like I'm still the same old person I don't want to be!!

I suppose it's hard for me to find a frame of reference, especially since I haven't been regularly keeping track of my past-self, so I don't have much to look back on to know how far I've gone.

About not writing: I don't think it was a matter of laziness. It was more of, I was afraid of what people would think of me if I wrote down my experiences and thoughts. I would be giving people a reason to judge me, or think differently of me. Letting people read my thoughts is a frightening thought to me, especially considering how naive, dumb, and immature I used to be on my blogs lol I think, after awhile, I felt like no one wanted to listen to me, except for the two who I knew would. Even then, they're people who are struggling through their own things, too.

At some point, I started thinking, "there are people out there who have no one", and that I thought I was in a better position, so I shouldn't complain and be distressed. But I also know, internally, I'm probably not okay in many ways, and that I've been deluding myself. But still, I went on thinking that other people have their problems, no one wants to hear mine. (Maybe it's also why I'm afraid of social people: how are they so functional and normal lol Can they actually see through me and realise I'm not normal and that I have fears and anxieties gnawing away at me lol)

I think those two paragraphs sort of went on a tangent, but it does explain why I've been the way I've been, during and since JC.

I think JC-me is the person I want to move away from. The person who's afraid of social relationships, and be extension, afraid of getting to know and being with new people, afraid of letting new people in. It's like being in JC all over again, just that during that time, it was like I was being shoved into a box. Now, my past experiences exist in that small, neat package, serving as a reminder (a warning) of what happened lol

I know that at least over time, I have become more comfortable in the community I've found myself in, but I haven't done enough to actually reach out and get to know them. I guess that is a fear to overcome, and it doesn't help that I'm introverted in the first place.

I don't know, I guess I won't feel right with myself until I move on, move past my old self (at least what I think of as my old self). Maybe I have been taking steps, moving away from who I used to be. But it's like being an ant on the white starting line: I've probably moved from my original starting position, but all I see around me is the same white for what seems like forever.

At least being honest here has made me feel a bit better.
Watch as I doubt the words I have put down: is it honesty, or is it just me trying to reason away things lol
(I'm pretty sure some things were and some things weren't - I'm still not entirely honest with myself)

To whoever reading this post (i.e. future me, probably): let this post be a landmark, to mark out where I once was. If, at the point of reading this, I am nothing like the version of me as described in this post, let it be a good sign.