Every night we're encouraged to have group sharing, and I'm not sure which night it was, but me being me, with the "nervous-to-the-point-of-crying-when-trying-to-say-something-kinda-personal-yet-objective" I cried and I feel like slapping myself for it lawl But yeah, I suppose I felt a sort of disconnect after that. I think that experience made me hyper-aware of myself, so maybe I felt so conscious about myself that I didn't see myself as being part of the group, and just saw myself as you know, me lol I don't know how true that is, but now that I've typed this out, I think that was the real reasoning or thought process at the time.
And since it's naturally easy to talk to people who are as outgoing/talkative as you, no one really talked me for the third and fourth days. And it was nice that someone asked me to come over and join in on their conversation, but again, I felt like if I was there or not, it didn't matter, so I suppose I left the camp with that thought in mind: it didn't matter if I was there or not, since no one really asked me to contribute or something lol And when people say that they want to meet up again, I feel like saying "lol do you really? Are you just saying this out of obligation? Because if you really wanted to know me, gurl you should've talked to me more during the camp lol" But of course yeah, it some way they're saying it out of obligation, but that's what being a nice person is, to invite people to stuff.
I know that that's the wrong sort of mentality to have about these sorts of social situations. I can't blame someone for not talking to me, I can't place that sort of unspoken expectation on them, that's unfair, especially since they're nice people who did nothing to make me feel bad about myself. All of this was just sort of in my mind. And that was why I didn't want to blog about it as soon as I got back, because I didn't want to give a negative portrayal of people who did absolutely no wrong to me. (And I italicise that, because on the off-chance someone from my group is reading, I want them to know that the feelings I had are not the feelings I have of them as of right now.) Yes, feelings are important, but what's more important are the choices and actions you take as a result of those feelings.
Anyway, I mulled over that for a few days, and when other groups started making plans, I felt like "lol u gaiz y u do dis 2 me", but I think it was a chance for me to go out and be sociable, even if my instinctive feeling is "no". That being said though, I don't know if I can go out at all this following week ;w;
From previous posts, I wrote about how my grandmother had a heart attack. Over Friday night-Saturday morning, she fell pretty hard, health-stability-wise, so we were anticipating her to go soon. After catechism, my mum and I went over, and everyone else was pretty much there too. At least for now, she's stabilised, but she's probably on the edge of going. So if I'm not around, at least you know why lol
That aside, I got a call tonight, basically inviting me to this, uh, pageant thing. I was honestly really confused about it and ugly-laughed about it to Ju. Basically when Ju and I went down to pay for our camp fees, they took pictures of us too, and at first I thought it was so the seniors could get a chance to recognise us and stuff like that, but lol nope. They were basically screening for candidates for a pageant they're gonna hold, and they choose people based on personality (from what they can see) and appearance and here's where I ugly-laugh.
Like, seriously? You're choosing the short girl, with braces and freckles, who used to be chubbers in primary school (and maybe some of secondary school), and puts little to no effort to her appearance (I have done absolutely no form of shaving or make-up in my free time), doesn't post any photos of herself, and came to the thing in a t-shirt and normal-length shorts. Looking at the photo shoots they've had, and the video documenting their event, I am not one of the people they're looking for, mate. You want girls who actually look like uni-going age, with long hair, average height, slim faces and little to no stomach lol
Okay lah, looking at the photos again on their facebook page, they look pretty normal irl but still, this is not the kind of thing for me lol And I suppose this came as shock to me too, after another incident I had when I went to buy craft supplies from Daiso lol I was walking from the station to J-Cube, and this young, Chinese lady approached me, and asked me to fill in a small slip of paper, asking for my name, age, and phone number. When she gave me the small sheet and pen, I just stood there kinda dumb, 'cos it was only then that I realised what she was asking me for LOL (I really need to get back into Chinese otherwise I can't understand poop) I thought it was just some survey thing, but nope. Basically I think they were trying to find people for their modeling company, and I got (what I assume) her personal business card, and then went on my way. So, it was a pretty weird experience, to be offered a possibility of modeling.
Anyway, thinking about the call now, it's not that bad, or at least, not as bad as it was made out to be from one photo, that wasn't even from the event in the first place lol Still, I ain't gon do it lol Feels so surreal really, to look at the kind of people they've selected before, and to think that they actually saw me as a possibility. Anyway, that's it lol I don't think anything big happened so ye.
No comments:
Post a Comment