check urself b4 u rek urself

~Dedicated to Ju ~

The week's not even over yet, and I've already got stuff to write about! Also the title is in reference to a conversation I had with Ju today about how she never reads my blog (at least, this one) and that I never post anything.

Here's to you, Ju

Also, I just realised it's been an exact week since I last posted. CONSISTENCY HECKY YEAH Anyway, I got more things to observe this week at the lab. I went in to hand in my indemnity form that was emailed to me. At first I wanted to give it to my parents to fill in because there were those option thingies that say my child/ward, until I looked in the corner. It read that parents fill it in if the child is less than 18. So I filled it in myself since I'm a no longer a child. Even after filling in the form though, I'm still not allowed card access, which doesn't seem like that much of an inconvenience, since I can message either the lab technician or the lady I'm shadowing. Problem is, is that the lab itself doesn't really have wifi or 4G. And they can't touch their phones when doing work either, because contamination and all that.

After handing in my form, I wasn't really planning on doing anything, but the lady I'm shadowing (let's call her Lab Lady, and the lab tech lab tech lol) gave me the Hallmarks of Cancer to read, so that I know what it is that she's doing and what the research on cancer is mostly about. I spent the three, four hours there reading through the whole thing - and that might sound like a bad thing, but it isn't really (I felt rather proud of myself for finishing it lol). [Skip the next five paragraphs if you don't want to read about the science I've learned lol]

Basically it's about the six (now possibly eight) characteristics of cancer, and the two underlying reasons for these characteristics. Basically if a cancer cell can continue signaling other cells to proliferate, avoid growth suppressors (proteins from tumour suppressing genes), resist death, can replicate for forever, enable creation of blood vessels in the tumour (angiogenesis), and invade and spread, it's cancer. Research has shown that another two possible characteristics is that it can reprogram its energy metabolism (instead of going though oxidative phosphorylation it works solely on glycolysis), and evade destruction by the immune system (it can even use the leukocytes for its own means) which are pretty astounding and unthought of.

At least according to my knowledge and what we're exposed to, we're taught that cancer are cells that have undergone gene mutation in either the tumour suppressor genes or oncogenes. That may be the reason for it being able to happen, but the maintenance and growth of tumours is much more than that. Like there's this thing when cells digest their own organelles in an effort to conserve energy when starved of resources. That seems like it means the cells will eat themselves, but in reality, it could be just what they need to continue living, even if dormant, so once resources can sustain them again, they're active - which is probably why people's cancer can recur. And it's not just about the tumour or cancer cells, it's also about the tumour microenvironment. Even though cancer can spread to elsewhere in the body, the new place doesn't have the same kind of tumour environment the cell had to proliferate in, so theoretically the cancer could be gotten rid off then. I should probably read through all of the Hallmarks of Cancer though, so things stay better in my mind.

Anyway, Lab Lady told me that she was gonna start on real time PCR this week, and that I could observe her when she does it, so I went today to see her extract RNA. At least this was pretty new to me, even if we've - very crudely - extracted DNA in school before. Basically, you lysate the cells so that all the membranes and stuff break down, and centrifuge it many times, (three times with two separate wash buffers, once with nothing to dry the column inside the spin tube) and wash out with a special water that is specifically free of any enzyme that breaks down RNA (centrifuge again) so that all the RNA (like all of them, not just the mRNA) are flushed out into the collecting tube. It's repetitive work, but you have to be careful with each run because it's time consuming and you want pure RNA lol After that you can measure the concentration of RNA in some fancy machine that uses UV spectroscopy.

There's an alternative way, that uses Trizol, just that it forms three layers in the tube: RNA on top, a small layer of DNA in between, and everything else at the bottom. That's not particularly easy either, because if you accidentally have some DNA while you do PCR, you don goofed 'cos you want the DNA that coded the mRNA, so having unnecessary DNA is like contamination.

They want cDNA (DNA reversely transcribed from mRNA) because if they use PCR on it, mRNA will break down really easily, so the amplification process will mess up with short chains of DNA that don't mean much, but DNA is more stable when heated. But I think for now, what she needs is whole chains of DNA from the mRNA strands, so she just does this once using the real-time PCR machine. I can't remember if she said I can come down that day, but we'll see. That ends the biology lesson for today lol

Okay, onto more life-stuff. I think the day before yesterday, my mum bought some clothes for Chinese New Year (even if I said I didn't need any since I've been shopping for clothes quite frequently with my mum and I'm like so much money has beens spent mother pls st op). There were some that I liked, so she was gonna exchange them for better sizes. Then she thought it would be better if I went down with her so I can try on the sizes myself, so I was like, sure. And I did, I went down to the store in downtown on my own, and met her there - but I forgot the bring the original clothes with me. Not all is lost, though! She said she can bring them down on Friday instead since the pants she ordered (or something, idk) were only ready on Friday anyway. So I tried on some stuff, we got them reserved, and went window shopping for a little too.

Honestly, I really like dresses. Like, I liked skirts for awhile, but dresses are easier in the sense that you don't have to match them with anything. And not all skirts are nice with every shirt omg the pain of having only one nice shirt with one skirt. I have like four pairs of black shoes now, so I can wear literally anything with them. And I really like dark-coloured dresses. Like, I always look at the black ones, and my mum is like, "no more black dresses" but JOKES ON YOU MOM, I ONLY HAVE ONE, AND THAT'S THE FORMAL ONE THAT I DON'T WEAR OFTEN ENOUGH! The other one is just a navy blue one, like come on bruh. *chanting* black dresses black dresses balack dresses black drdss BLARC DRDDES BLACK DRESERS BLAK DRE-- There was one dark blue dress that was really nice when I wore it, but the quality was kinda bad for its price. The downside to female clothing is price. It was $168.

Anyway, after we were done shopping, we went back by train (because my mum has been taking public transport to work since the downtown line has been up), and we stopped by the petrol station to buy milk. She messaged my dad, telling him to do so, but because he didn't reply, she assumed he didn't. Until, we saw his car at the station!! I don't know what got into my mum, but she tried opening the car door (it was unlocked, dad so daring) and we snuck inside. She tried to lie down flat in the back seat so he wouldn't see her, and I was surprised that my dad didn't bother checking. When he sat down and looked behind, he audibly was shocked and omg his reaction made my day. This whole incident was a surprise to me, because it's so rare seeing parents like this, especially since my dad is pretty serious. (I hope I can be like this one day ;w;)

Oh yeah, also I've been going to Clementi a lot, since that's like the next closest place to go after lab. I've been going to there to buy craft supplies, and I don't know if I should get a membership card. Technically I've only gone there "regularly" twice, to buy crepe and tissue paper and floral wire, so maybe I' should seriously get a card if I go a third time. And I've only done with four out of the twelve flowers from the bouquet Coach ordered, and I need to hurry up if I want to finish before Valentine's day. Not just because that's what he's getting it for, but because I'm getting braces done some time around then, so I should do it while I'm still functioning and not inebriated lol

All that aside though, today had some real drama: once when I was leaving the lab, and the other when I went shopping.

Since the lab is in NUS, I walk past NUH to get to the MRT station, and I walked past what seemed to be a verbal argument. This middle aged man was shouting, furious at an ambulance driver, what about, I don't know. At some point the driver shouted back, "WHO AM I? I AM A NOBODY" (if I remember correctly), so I thought that it was either a personal matter, or a petty one. Then the middle aged man was distraught, saying he was told to specifically pick up his handicapped wife "here", referring to what I think is the ambulance bay, since well, there was an ambulance there. So I guess what went down was that in his panicky state, he was told to pick up his wife at the drop-off/pick-up point, where the taxis usually are, but he went to the wrong bay? I can't really make much of a judgment, because I only happened to walk in on it, just as it got serious, and I didn't see what caused it.

It was so surreal at first, because all I heard first were raised voices, and seeing the scene was as though I was watching some TV drama, and that the personal question might have been between a father and son experiencing a strained relationship. Anyway, a lady who had asked me for directions to the station, went up to the middle aged man telling him not to shout, because you know, hospital, but I don't think she managed to do anything. I didn't stay to watch what happened next though, I'm not good with raised voices.

I headed to Jurong East and Clementi to find a present for Bei's birthday which is/was some time this month. Although the whole thing leading up to the gift-buying was more of a suggestion from me to Daryl about something entirely different, but since he couldn't do it himself, (being in NS already and having no free time to go shopping) I offered to do it for him. That was when the second drama of the day happened, as I looked around at Clementi mall.

I was typing it halfway, but then I was wondering if I'm allowed to talk about what happened. It's not that serious, considering the person involved is still quite young and probably isn't entirely aware of what they had done and the consequence of it, but I don't think it's a matter to be shared publicly. The middle aged man thing is separate, because he knew better.

Also, it rained - real bad. I waited at the station outside my place, and I was really concerned about the stuff I bought getting wet. Good thing though, was that I had a ziploc bag with my old school lab coat, which I had brought along the previous trip to the lab because you always need a lab coat! (Apparently, even that I'm not allowed to, because the lab coats they have are washed internally in the university, so that whatever was cultured in the lab doesn't go outside, even if it's molecular biological work.) So, I kept my phone and wallet in there, and kept everything else under the ziploc bag.

When I left the station, it was a faint, but still consistent drizzle, and it was pretty tolerable, apart from the cars rushing through puddles that pooled at the curb, that's annoying omg Possibly due to the lack of better judgment, I went the wrong way. Not as in being lost, I went the wrong way for my shoes and legs. There's like a little inner road that runs parallel to the main road, in between the two bus stops, for the row of bungalows that are built there, and what I didn't know, was that it sloped down slightly. And there were huge puddles of water on the sidewalk too. And it just so happened that when I reached it, it got heavier. So, I had to either sacrifice my feet through puddles of water, or water that flowed down the road and into my shoes. And because there are huge trees there too, walking under them is like being bombarded by fat raindrops that has been collecting on the leaves. By the time I got through that stretch of road, I felt like I was literally walking in puddles all the way home, because somehow my shoes weren't bad at collecting water. And then it got lighter, which is nice because it made things easier, but makes me feel so cheated because I just so happened to go through a small stretch of road at the worst time.

I could have been cheated even more. It could have been like that time I was walking out to go the lab and it rained for like ten minutes, but left me soaked up to my knees. I don't know what's worse in terms of the battering by the rain being worth my time and effort lol I did see a loaf of cat today, though.

A loaf of cat, outside a pizzeria that has the tagline, all you knead is love.

I think that's most of what has happened this week so far. The next big thing is probably TOB (again) but meh, I don't really want to bother myself with my kids lol Other things I need to do is practice piano, make more flowers for Coach's requested bouquet, and wrap the notebooks my mum asked me to do (for the kids who don't bring their journals. why kids, why must you do this to us adults) [also are the length of my posts Ning-worthy yet LOL]

Shoes and Socks, Laboratories, Teenagers, and France

I haven't done much the past two weeks, mostly because I was waiting for the 18th of January (later changed to the next day) to come around, which was when I was to go to the physiology lab at NUS for some work experience. In the meantime, I didn't have much to do, really, except practice piano.

omg shoes

I think I went shopping for more craft supplies one of the days, and I don't know what is wrong with me, but I always wear the wrong socks with my shoes. The first time was when I sent Hans to the airport, and I thought wearing my short black socks with my sunflower shoes, but that meant the tongue of my shoe rubbed against my skin. When we went to look for cheap socks, they sold four at ten bucks, and since we couldn't just buy one pair, I had to buy four at one shot. But the socks were stuck together by thread so Hans had to rip it apart for me and I just changed my socks in public. Another day, when I went to buy craft supplies, I wore socks that were too thin for my shoes, so my shoes kept falling off my heel making it really hard to walk in. Again, I bought another pair of socks, and they had the plastic thing instead, but I managed to pull it out since socks are elastic. To be honest, I had seriously considered bringing one of my proper socks with me that day. I can't believe I didn't just wear proper ones asdhofalsdkjfad If anything, I'm now armed with more socks so I can't go wrong - unless I make a really dumb decision again.

I did go back to school for open house, because I had to pass a junior my literature books anyway, so I thought I might as well be there to help out at the history booth. I spent most of my time at the history booth talking to our history teacher, Mr B. But kids being kids that aren't really interested in history, it was pretty boring. I tried reading one of the history magazines laid out, and I don't remember a single thing from what I read. I don't think that many people came to the booth. The new syllabus is pretty interesting though, like I would go back to school just for the lessons on Japan and the American civil rights movement, but I think that's in their second year, so I can't really since uni.

When I talked to Mr B, he kept telling me to get a job and I was like, yeah I know lol But I hadn't gotten word from the physiology labs at NUS yet, see, so I couldn't get a regular job until I knew when I was free. The lab technician lady went on holiday for like three weeks, and she was only coming back on the 18th, so that was a pretty long break of having nothing concrete to do. I even told him about my parents being in Doha to see my bro, and he was astounded by how I didn't want to go. Come on Mr B, who wants to go to the desert, but he was like how could you pass up an opportunity to expose yourself to a new culture. Touche, Mr B, but I couldn't do anything about it anyway lol

Lab experience

Since the lab tech lady was only coming back on the 18th, I assumed she wouldn't be in that day, so I decided to go the next day. I spent the 18th with the Boob when he came back to get his grades remarked. We couldn't spend much time together though, because his flight was the same night, and he had to pay phone internet bills that he hasn't done for the longest time. We went down to one of those mobile service provider stores, and it turned out that he didn't need to pay - he actually had money to collect instead. Turns out what he owed was paid using his deposit so he just needed to pick up the rest of the deposited money, but that needed a letter too. So, we went down to the hostel, searched for the letter, picked it up, and went back to the service provider store. But he couldn't collect the money. What he needed was a different official letter that allowed him to collect the money - which would be sent to him in a week. Welp, We went to watch Ip Man 3, so das nice. (The beginning was pretty hilarious, and the movie wasn't that dramatic with the fighting, but it was a nice change of pace to see Ip Man as a husband rather than just as an upright and righteous man.)

Now is the real important stuff: lab work. I had gone to the labs before with my Dad, so I roughly remembered where I needed to go. I got stuck for a little while because I couldn't remembered how to get to the Science department's canteen, but I managed. There wasn't really a fixed time for me to come down, so I technically wasn't late lol The lab tech lady showed me around the labs and brought me through the lab safety protocols, like knowing where the liquid nitrogen tanks were, the keys to the chemical cabinets, what kinds of waste goes into which coloured plastic bags, all that stuff. We probably spent a good hour and a half going through all of it, and things seemed like I could get an access card to the labs so I can come down on my own when I want to - but I couldn't. There was one bit on the list that I couldn't do: I think there was some kind of quiz assessment I had to take before I could get a card of my own, but the assessment was only available to those already in NUS. Since I was technically an outsider, I wouldn't be allowed to take it. The lab tech did say that I could contact either her or the PhD student I'm shadowing when I'm there, so that they can open the door for me, so that's still okay for now.

I spent the last half hour talking to the PhD student I was going to observe. I guess I wasn't really allowed to do any experiment of my own since, after all, it's her research work and she couldn't possibly risk anything if something went wrong because of me. Also because I wasn't there for official research purposes of my own. Still, following her around and observing her experiments isn't so bad. I think it's something about a protein and how it affects the formation of the cell membrane of cancer cells. There was something else about another kind of protein that affected the expression or formation of genes in stomach cancer cells, so the theoretical stuff she was talking about wasn't that foreign to me. She did say that sometimes the experiment itself can get repetitive, so I suppose I don't have to be there every day since there's not much point in observing the same couple of things repeatedly. I'll probably follow her around when the new PhD student joins the lab, so I can learn along with the new student. I should probably check with her when that's gonna happen.

teenagers

The other thing that has kept me busy is Theology of the Body, and I have discovered that I really don't know how to be a facilitator of my group. I think it's partly hard for me because 1. three of the girls already know each other so I'm the odd one out, 2. I know one of the girls. I don't know her personally, but I know of her and she knows of me because of children's choir. I was kind of hoping I could get a group where none of them know me so that sharing things with them would be easier since there would be no existing basis on which they could judge me or something. I was never social in church, not among fellow catechism kids or in the children's choir. Also I feel very out of my element because I feel like I have almost nothing in common with them. WHERE ARE THE WEEBS AND THE FANDOM FANGIRLS LET ME BE AMONG SOME PEOPLE I CAN RECOGNISE Also one of the girls is really quiet. My mum says it's because she's friends with the girl who was supposed to be in my group, but she changed parish. Still, I'd rather a quiet girl that I can talk to one-on-one than three girls who talk among themselves with whom I don't belong with lol Can't u tell Im a gr8 teenagr who is hip and kool and rel8table.

Anyway, while going through all the preparation for this, I was worried that they, as fifteen year-olds, wouldn't understand sexuality, relationships, or have even thought about it. I don't mean to say kids their age haven't experienced relationships or felt confused about themselves, but I think TOB makes more sense when you've been through relationships and problems - and you're fully aware of what is going on in such things. But then I came to the conclusion that it's only by going through such things and reflecting back on them, that you're then truly aware, so age doesn't matter.

I think it's more accurate for me to say that I'm worried they don't have the maturity and ability to look at experiences, reflect on them, and identify what they have done wrong or where to grow. Yeah, I think it's the ability to reflect, recognise mistakes, and knowing how to move on from there that they need. Even my Mum says that she wished she could do this for older teenagers who are at least a little wiser and more exposed, but as it is with Catholic teenagers in my parish, not many would want to come back for such things. And if we don't do it now when these kids are still in catechism, no one else will educate them on the church's perception of sexuality and our individual selves. It's at least better that we teach them these things while they're still in church before they leave.

Anyway, regardless of their maturity or age or whatnot, our purpose with TOB for now is to educate them, even if they don't fully understand it right now at their age. The point is to equip them with knowledge about how to wholesomely perceive sex and sexuality, and maybe some day in the future, when they're faced with such situations, they'll think back and use whatever it is we taught them to help them make their decisions. As long as they learn something new that is useful to them in the future, then we've done our job. Also it's about aiding them make decisions, not dictating them how to live, because ultimately that's their choice in the future.

I can't remember how my train of thought came to the topic about age and maturity lol I remember while I was reflecting on how TOB would be carried out, I was thinking about how embarrassing and cringe-worthy secondary school was like. You know, it's like when you wish past-you was current-more-knowledable-you so that past-you could have avoided all the embarrassing stuff that happened. But then I realised, that it is only by going through the embarrassing stuff - and reflecting on them - that you learn from them and grow in maturity. The fact that you can recognise how embarrassing things were means that you've grown. As much as I don't like fifteen year-olds because of the immaturity they possess right now, I can't disregard the fact that they have to go through it now so they can be better, more self-aware people later (as long as they actually reflect on what they've done wrong).

I feel like this part about teenagers and growing up is all disorganised, even though I had thought through it a lot whenever it crossed my mind. There's just so many things to take into consideration about maturity and the different kinds of experiences you've been exposed to while growing up, and how that affects your understanding and perception when you're older.

hon hon hon

The thing about going to France is a very recent issue that came up, in the most unpredictable, unexpected way. I think what's more surprising is that I'm allowed to go.

Last Sunday, I went downstairs to the church office to get the air-conditioner remote for the choir room, and as I was leaving, I saw Father R there. He came up to me (which I thought was weird because he doesn't really have business with me) and asked if I had anything to do from now until uni, and I told him I was free most of the time, and he was like good, you wanna go for another pilgrimage, and I was like wat. It was so out of the blue, and big trips like these need planning. It isn't just open to anyone - and it was in April, which I think in relation to the months of preparation they do, is quite short-notice. Like I didn't even know there was a France trip, meaning that the invitation for it must have been sometime last year. Neither did I think of Father R to be this spontaneous about something that needs a lot of organisation. He told me to ask my Mum if both of us can go, and he even told me to tell her that he said "things happen for a reason" as a way to sell this deal to her, because I just so happen to be there when he was around.

To be honest, I was pretty interested in going, but I don't really know why, or at least, I don't remember why lol Maybe it was because it felt like an honour to be invited since Father R asked me and not anyone else. Or maybe because it was like "ooh, France" and I quite enjoyed the trip to Austria, so hey, this trip should be pretty fun too. Anyway, I messaged my Mum about it, and she was like "April?? Sigh!!" because we still had TOB to run, at least in the first half of the month, and she, of all people in the TOB team can't afford to leave since she's in charge of it all. Even if we couldn't go, I wasn't that disappointed either because the suggestion popped out of nowhere, that if we didn't go, it wouldn't make much difference to us anyway.

That was, until my Mum got a call from Father R that same night - suggesting that I go on my own. If you know the young babby child that I am, that's a pretty big deal. When my Mum told me that, I was dumbfounded. Like, I have to be responsible for myself there. And I don't know anyone except a few people, since most of those going are newly baptised adults. I have to take care of my own passport and everything!! I could feel the anticipation and excitement of going somewhere on my own creeping up on me, and I was actually looking forward to it, even if it meant I had to be responsible for myself and careful, since it was France. But I didn't really care, because !!!!!! This is gonna be excite!! My Mum went to church on Monday morning (since she goes for daily mass anyway) to ask about the details and everything - and apparently I have the approval of my parents to go? I'm pretty sure they're trying to get rid of me lol and maybe this is the chance to.

That's probably the biggest thing that happened this week, to me at least. My Mum is getting a new Honda. I mean she's been looking at eco-friendly hybrids because her car is getting old and the COE for it is expiring soon, I think, and she wanted something that would save money and the environment. But the reason why she's getting a new Honda, is because the one now has been causing problems from wear and tear, and just on Tuesday the radiator overheated, so my Mum had to send it for servicing. While she was there, she decided to go buy a Jazz since it's cheaper than the hybrids she had considered earlier, and at least the service at Honda is reliable so das good. The car won't come until a few months from now, but the payment and all that was settled yesterday when I went out shopping with her.

I think my overall plan for the coming months in chronological order is:
1. Piano exam - March
2. Lab work - Mid-Jan to March-ish
3. France trip - April

With all that in consideration, I think I can definitely find a regular job Mid-April. Right now, piano lessons are twice weekly, I don't know how often I should go to the lab (since it could get repetitive and I can't do anything on my own there lol), and April trip. I could probably sell paper flowers for now, but I'm gonna try and make a proper bouquet first before I know what I can sell. Also I should probably tell my Mum just so she knows what I'm doing and where I am in case of anything. I should probably also learn a little French for April, (and some Indonesian lol) since I have time. Oh right, I still have to apply for uni LOL

Look Mr B, I'm spending my time wisely  lol

Flower Store?

I have had thoughts before of selling my paper flowers - the only problem is how to go about it. What got me really thinking though, was when I passed a flower I made to Ning to give to our netball coach, since I couldn't be at their party that day, and he messaged me to thank me for it. I jokingly said I could make a bouquet for him if he needed, and he replies saying he wouldn't mind buying, and I was like !!!!!!

But selling stuff ain't easy, bruv. There are things like where am I gonna sell them, deliver them, make them; cost of materials and selling price, all that. So I think there are four components to them: store, product, pricing and money transaction, delivery.

Store:

Initially I had two options in mind: set up a separate blog with a catalogue of all the flowers; or sell them on my piano teacher's handmade craft store on facebook lol I mean I don't think she'd mind, so that's not a big worry. But then I realised I could just do both. Not only does it have an existing market, but people can be directed to the blog too for other stuff or customisation. Yeah, I really wanted to do customisation because I think that's better appreciated.

Products:

But Mic, all you're selling are flowers lawl Well yeah, but there are different kinds lol I was thinking of having paper flowers and crepe flowers as different categories. In each category, I would have reference pictures of the different patterned coloured papers they can choose from. Although I suppose I should also have some pre-made bouquets/individuals one, for people who have no preference or are in a rush for a gift lol

Pricing and money transaction:

I thought I could sell them at two bucks a flower, but the minimum I could get from that is $166 ;w; Technically I would earn more since I have big sheets of paper, but I'm assuming I'm using a whole sheet for each, so I should earn more than $200. That is still assuming I even have enough traffic and orders to use all my paper orz I suppose I might sell normal (nekkid lol) ones at $2.50, customised ones at a little higher, and maybe even additional costs for wrapping or delivery or something. Really, at this rate it sounds like I won't make much profit lol orz Using pocket money to make a little more pocket money... But we'll see.

I could either create a paypal account so people will have to fork over the money first lol, or they pass it to me in person. I don't really know if there are any problems with paypal, but I just hope that if I get it in person, they have exact change...

Delivery:

That's kinda of tricky one for me, since I can't just send the flowers through mail. At least, I don't think that's the best for the flowers, also I don't know if mailing them would incur extra cost. If I sell them on my piano teacher's store though, that at least solves the delivery part assuming they're usual customers. I don't know, I'd have to ask her about that actually. Alternatively, it'll probably end up with me having to go to some MRT station to meet up with the buyer and pass it to them in person. Also if I get a lot of orders, I'll need to manage time and dates in which I can pass it to them in person. Sigh.

Others:

I suppose other things I could take into consideration are flea markets or craft fairs etc where people sell their stuff, that's another option too. I think it would be better if I could find someone to do it with though :/

Well, that's most of the things that I can remember thinking about off the top of my head. But for now, I'll probably learn how to wrap flowers into a bouquet, and get back to coach on a good price. I don't want to overcharge him ;w;

Results + Flying Boob

We got our IB results on the 5th, last Tuesday, but it still feels so surreal. The days leading up to the 5th, I was so nervous and worked up by the possibility that I didn't do enough. It was more of a fear of the unknown, because I didn't really know what to expect. I thought the worst I could do was 38, and that would just be enough for NUS, I think, but I didn't want to risk it either, so from the beginning of last year, I had set my sight on 40 or above.

Magically somehow, I managed a 41!!! Which I'm really proud of - until hear of other people scoring higher lol But I don't feel like I did back during PSLE or O levels when I heard other people doing better. I think by this age and after going through IB, they really deserve it c: And even if I had the chance go back in time to redo these past two years to get a better score, I wouldn't. I might get biology and history remarked though, since they're so close to the next grade. (There's no hope for my English lol that was a poopy paper anyway) The only thing I'm really upset by in my scores is my EE. Gosh diddly darn science EEs, being marked strictly. Then again I guess my EE report wasn't that fantastic either, but I couldn't do much more to it.

Anyway, after getting results, the story of how I got home really late came about. The Weebs (I should probably use their names, makes things easier: Stanley, Bei, Daryl, Hans) headed to Bei's house to sort of celebrate. While we were on the way to her place, we stopped by a supermarket to buy some stuff. We just so happen to be at the cashier with condoms. Stanley asked how screwed would I be if there was an opened pack in my bag. Answer: very. Even if Daryl said it meant I had the "mindfulness" to use protection, I'd probably be killed, and then resurrected, only to be killed again.

Then he said that I should buy one for my bro, hide it in his bag, or tell him I "got the goods" as a prank. That seemed funny at first, but then I remembered that my mum told me in the car that morning to school, to hook my brother up with any nice girls in university. I was like MOM PLEASE SIX YEARS DIFFERENCE but she was actually serious about it. My bro has had a bad experience with a poopy girlfriend. One of the girls he went on a date with was like the sister of one of the friend's of my other bro, so that would be kinda awkward; and after a recent date, he said she was ignorant, and I guess naive. My bro's been through some shiet, but I think that has made him more aware and mindful of the kind of people to associate with. Anyway, giving my bro a pack of condoms as a joke is pretty sad in his case. Also, it would not turn out funny, the consequences are not worth the joke.

Anyway, the time at Bei's house was pretty fun. The Weebs played mahjong, but catching up on animal crossing was my priority LOL They taught me how to play before, but I still don't know when to do what and what is allowed. Then other people like Jonathan, Rad, Abbi, and even Ning came by. Apparently Jon wanted to learn how to play MMORPGs, so Stanley and Daryl tried to teach him how to play Leg o' Legends. We all ended up playing our own games some how, like even Bei showed Yandere Simulator to Jon and Ning. We had PIZZAAAAAAA for dinner, and went upstairs to play Saboteur after.

Man, playing Saboteur the first time round when we slept over at Bei's was a wild ride. Each player is given one of two roles, miner or saboteur, but no one knows who's who. The miners have to work towards the gold, which is also hidden out of three cards, and the saboteurs have to well, sabotage them, either by purposely misdirecting the path to the wrong card, or preventing other people from building paths. The first time we played, we went insane with trying to figure out who to trust and who is the saboteur or not. I broke down, crying (not just from laughing too much) after accidentally sabotaging Hans because I thought he was a saboteur, when he was a miner too. And gosh ddiddly darn Daryl, trying to seem so friendly and trustworthy, just to throw us off regardless of his role like omg stop the Jedi mind tricks. Ning, if you're reading this, that night was nothing compared to the sleepover.

Anyway, by the time we left Bei's house, was almost ten. During dinner, I was really worried about time, because I didn't want to reach home too late. Even though my parents never explicitly gave me a curfew, I can't help but try to get home around 8 or 9 so that they don't have to worry about me. Yes, my curfew is self-imposed LOL It was late enough that my mum said she was going to sleep, so that meant no ride home from the bus stop or train station, unless I asked my dad instead, but that wouldn't be very nice for him either. Luckily I had Hans to walk home with, because he was sleeping over, so it wasn't so bad walking in the dark.

The Boob was dumb enough to forget renting a place at the hostel when he was coming back to Singapore to collect results. The scholars were discussing it in our group chat, so that's when I knew he was gonna hobo. He said that he could hobo in the airport, which apparently he has done before. I told my mum about it and she was like "aiyah how can", so my mum letting him stay over wasn't a problem. But then his mum didn't want to, because she didn't want him to impose. That meant he would probably have to fly here and back within the same day - until his dad said he could stay if my parents were fine with it. So that's how the Boob stayed over for the night.

We reached home by around 11.30 pm, which is the latest I've ever been home on my own. Because he was staying over though, it meant that I couldn't go for the netball party the next day, since I had to bring him to the airport. We spent most of the day going through my old stuff (diaries that NONE OF YOU ARE ALLOWED TO READ EVER) and watching TV before leaving the house to go the airport. This was a journey in itself, because halfway as we were walking out to the main road, it started to rain. And I swear, that it was pure bad luck because it pretty much wasn't raining anywhere else. Also I wore the wrong socks with the wrong shoes, and with the rain it was even worse, as the tongue of my shoe was rubbing my skin. Why do I always somehow get my feet injured from shoes ;w; It's my poor decisions with socks... Anyway, that meant we had to make a detour to find socks, which meant taking more time.

We kinda had to anyway, since Hans had to bring his cousin's SIM card that she left back in Indonesia. And since we were interchanging at Bugis, we went to buy socks. The cheapest pairs we found were 4 for $10, and we weren't allowed to just buy one pair, so guess who has an extra three pairs. (if anyone wants, please tell me, they're ladies' size) When I went to change my socks in the toilet, they had that stupid thread that kept the two socks together and I was like hhhhhhhhh I had to go back to Hans, and he managed to rip the thread apart, and just change my socks in public. Even though so much time was taken up by socks and rain, he wasn't late for his plane so that's good.

Admittedly, I wasn't looking forward to bringing him to the airport and sending him off because feels. Yes, being the crybaby I am, I cried a little at the departures gate don'tjudgeme I don't care if the damn flight is an hour and a half long, physically saying goodbye ain't easy, bruh ;w; I was okay when I was heading back to the train though lol Even Coach messaged me to thank me for giving him a flower I made. I jokingly said that I could make a whole bouquet if he needed, and he took it seriously. So guess who's gonna make the monies from selling paper flowers!! That reminds me though, I need to buy PVA glue, crepe paper, and more skewers (maybe more green paper tape?). I probably will when I pick up my Coldplay CD and meet Ju this Saturday.

Yeah, that's what happened the past few days. Not very exciting lol

Another Year Older, Another Year Wiser(?)

I know I barely wrote anything that happened in 2014, so talking about some things when reflecting on 2015 might seem like a large leap. I think this year (2015) has been a better year than 2014, in the sense that I have a better understanding of myself, and I'm not as socially awkward - as I made myself out to be (in my own mind). I guess I'll have to ramble a bit about the past two years in order to make sense of it all.

After an unintentional falling out in 2014, I felt really bad about myself for most of the year, on and off. And I knew part of the problem was my fault, my ignorance, and I never really knew how to deal with it. After that though, most of my year was filled with a sense of being judged by others, and being purposely ignored. I think that sense of people disliking me was my fault too, in the sense that with that sort of fear of judgement, I didn't make an effort to keep up with other people or bothered to know what was going on in their lives. I stayed away from social media (apart from tumblr lol) because I always thought of it as a Platform for Popularity, and I didn't want to get caught up in numbers and attention.

And it's possible that the fact I saw social media and socialising as a popularity contest, that I internally felt that I truly wasn't liked. I was barely involved in any socialising in school, so not a lot of people personally knew me. I felt as though if I wasn't talked to, no one liked me. Somehow in my mind, I actually did value attention that way, because what is your worth without recognition, or when there is no one to see you and validate you? Do you exist if there is no one to see you? Even though I knew these weren't completely true, I somehow got myself stuck in that mindset. Maybe it's being a ~ teenager ~ but I would get worked up too, about not being as pretty as others lol I feared being gossiped about as well, which was all the more reason for me to not put myself out there.

It's a really dumb vicious cycle lol I mean, it may seem logical that you'd be afraid of being seen again after a socialising failure in the eyes of a close group (large or small) of people you're in, but at the same time, I let that stop me from doing what I should have done, at least with those closer to me. Even if in school I had people I could comfortably talk to in school, I only had two people I could really talk to, intimately in terms of emotions. Even so, I knew that wasn't good, to put all my feels onto two people, especially when they both have problems of their own.

Speaking of which, maybe I should have learned from the past: that if I couldn't handle the emotional stress a depressed person has, I shouldn't do it again until I've understood what to do better and be equipped with the right traits for it. I think it was my fault for thinking I could right wrongs by trying the same thing again. I have unintentionally hurt him with my ignorance, but at the same time he has made me even more aware of what I really need to do as a friend - just that it'll still take me some time to be the kind of friend that he needs. But I also recognise that in life, people will have different roles in your life, and sometimes I can't be the bestest, closest, most reliable friend to someone.

All that aside though, at least some things happened in 2015 that were nice. Just the simple visit from a really really old friend reminded me that I'm not as lonely as I thought I was, or that I was cast out by old friends. I overthink too much and always assume the worst lol And at least over the past holiday, being able to talk with old friends has made me a lot more comfortable with myself. Then again I guess that's because they have the time to. Even so, having them over and sleeping over was nice c:

Also, I've always had this feeling about seeing people older than me. It's like that feeling you have in secondary 1 and you look at the sec 4s: they look like they know what they're doing, what they want to do; mature, intelligent, responsible. During orientation in JC1, I saw that too in the JC2s. But then once you reach the same level as them, you kinda feel like you haven't attained what you thought you would when you're at their level. That sort of wonderment is nowhere to be seen in yourself. Although maybe the problem with that is because the people you do see are those who are outgoing and extroverted, and you can't really expect that sort of change to happen instantly when you reach a certain age.

As much as an outgoing-society values outgoing people, I really can't bring myself to be like that. Knowing schoolmates going to parties and small get-togethers, makes me feel uncomfortable imagining myself there. I know, change starts from within, but it's still terrifying. People say JUST DO IT but, really.

lol

I made this post thinking that I've changed, but maybe I haven't. I just feel like all this talk about changing "for the better" (whatever "better" is) is really stressful, and I know it's not meant to be easy, and I know it's not intended to make me feel better. Poopy.

Enough sad feels and self-pity, time for the practical things I need to do lol

1. Get university application(s) ready
2. Go do lab work
3. Job? Depends on schedule
4. Piano grade 8 examination (worst case, only two months to prepare)
5. Write more (hopefully I can manifest some of my ideas into words)
6. Almost forgot: EZ-link card LOL

Oh yeah, I'm helping my mum out in church, with this thing called Theology of the Body. It basically talks about how God and His love is manifested through the human body, but the version for teenagers simplifies it to about how to perceive the human body as what it is (non-sexualised and appreciating our physical selves), teenage romantic relationships, and vocation in life.

Putting aside the God-aspect of it, I still think it's pretty interesting to see this perspective. You could talk about it from a societal level with the two extremes: conservatism that perpetuates the idea that anything sexual is a sin, to liberalism that permits permissive nature. The conflict between such extreme ideology is pretty much the context for The Handmaid's Tale LOL Even though there are some things that I don't agree with what the Catholic church disapproves of, I think what's most important is that the whole point of having these sessions is to propose to teenagers an alternative way of thinking - but what they choose to believe and follow is still of their own choosing.

Even then, what I think will rile me up the most are the parents or adults that aren't fully aware. Before we, the facilitators (myself included) can facilitate the teenagers, my mum showed us the unadulterated version. And I remember some responses by the adults that kinda put me on edge because I felt that they weren't aware enough of the various situations that happen in the "secular world". One of the mothers said that if gay couples can adopt children, their children will grow up "confused" and oh my God I wanted so badly to tell her how wrong she was. But I couldn't at that point in time because I didn't have a proper argument, and at the same time, she said it out of ignorance, so it wouldn't be right of me to be angry at her either. There was another point in the session about how men and women have different roles, and at first I got really annoyed by that - until I remembered that feminism is about being treated as equal, not about being exactly the same. Also, much like how you can't judge one religion based on your own religion, I think judging and over-generalising the world, based on your own terms according to your religion isn't completely fair either.

I don't know where I'm going with this post lol

I'm gonna get myself a cup of water.