For some reason, the past week or so has been spent feeling quite, draining? It's not like I'm particularly busy, I think I've just been feeling, tired and low on energy, or rather, my energy is being spent worrying about work and being afraid of doing a bad job which makes me even more fearful of trying to do work which means less time for me to do a good job.
I know this sounds weird but I feel like I was suddenly tossed all these potatoes and I have to somehow carry all of them in my arms, and I have no where to put them down, and I can't drop them 'cos they're important, and I just have to hold them until I'm told I can drop them. And I'm confused and panicking, "what do I do with these potatoes??", making sure not to spill them, trying to hold everything in.
Sigh.
I don't know what this is lol I just hope I'll be okay. I think I will be. I know that I still have time, and whatever needs to be done eventually (probably) will be. But I just hope that it'll be a decent job, just enough. (but I don't know if it will.)
I'll be okay.
Thursday, 12 April 2018
Saturday, 17 February 2018
Relationships
Tonight was a weird one.
Anyway, long story short, it was just my parents and me for dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant. For some reason, my mum starts asking me about Hans and our relationship, and how I knew I was sure about him. Asking me if I'm in it because there was no one else, or if I felt obliged to stay after so long; if there's no one in university or church, if I'm not leaving myself up to the possibility of anyone else. I know she asked these questions out of concern (and maybe there's something going on with my sister and her husband which is why my mum is worried and wants to be sure), but like damn, these were questions I had to deal with inside myself when Hans and I were really going to have to go the full 8000 miles apart.
That sort of self-doubt was not a good time lol I even remember messaging Hans about it, about all the "what if"s, and even that was upsetting for him. And it's not something I want to put him through again.
Another issue she raised, was that she felt it better if she did what her dad did, which is to get the other person to be baptised. I understood where she was coming from: it would make things a lot easier if he understood me on my wavelength, but again, that was another issue I already knew I had to deal with. He knows that, too, what with me casually slipping it into conversations and whatnot lol
Anyway, being overwhelmed by those questions (and the feelings I had attached to them that my mum had no chance to know about anyway I don't blame her) I tried hard not to cry. (my seafood stew was salty enough. if I wanted more I'd just ask the waitress to add the salt for me thanks) My mum apologised.
While eating, I was trying to understand why she was asking such questions. Was it because on the surface I didn't seem like I was that interested in him? I mean it was possible, considering that I was never really touchy-feely in front of my family when he was around, nor do I say much about our relationship since it's already hard enough to just find time to chat with each other.
And then I wondered why I myself was like that. I think for so long, I had just put up a front, trying not to be emotional or "give anything away", mostly 'cos I don't want to end up a blubbering mess just because I'm emotionally overwhelmed. Then I thought maybe I'm like that 'cos at some point, I didn't feel comfortable telling my family things that were important to me and emotionally special to me, Hans being one of them. (I guess it was the few times I remembered my siblings getting in trouble and the anger that resulted that terrifies me lol) Anyway, I thought the solution would be write a message to my mum, telling her how I felt about him, and that the reason I had been quiet about it is 'cos I didn't feel safe to express myself before.
But boy was I wrong.
As soon as we got home, it was my dad who approached me first. Basically, he came to tell me that he didn't agree with what my mum did, and that it wasn't the right time and place to have such a discussion, and that sometimes you can't always be sure in relationships. But, he said, if there was anything to take away, was about sharing the same faith. I can't exactly remember what he said about it, but he mentioned things like he knew of inter-faith marriages that worked, and that if my faith was something important to me, then it's something I would need to think about.
He was pretty emotional. I think that was 'cos he was felt my pain when I felt like I was being "attacked". Or maybe it's some concern spilling over from my sister's situation. Whatever it was, it was very much needed on my end, to see him emotional and vulnerable with me, something so rare to see. (but damn, if my dad cries, you know something hit him hard.) Ultimately, he wanted to comfort and reassure me and tell me he loved me, which I am very grateful for.
Then my mum came up, about an hour later, as I was writing this. At least by then, I was in a better position, and I knew, or well at least thought, where she was coming from. She doesn't doubt Hans and me, and in fact, thinks that things could be strengthened even more. She's concerned about my future, if I'm going to go to church alone, and when we have kids, who's going to do the faith formation, things like that. She doesn't deny that it's possible for a person's spouse to convert later during the marriage, but that it would be great if we started life together on the same foot.
I don't disagree with anything she says, I just personally know that pursuing the Catholic faith isn't something he would do on his own. I think he's open to experiencing and eventually learning about the faith, but if he does pursue it, it would be with me, which I'm happy to do. The boy needs a helping hand, and I'm the person for that lol
By this point, during the course of writing this post and after hearing what my parents had to say, I know the problem isn't so much Hans and/or me, but probably an issue that popped up concerning my sister. I say this for multiple reasons, like the last time my dad was visibly emotional was concerning my sister and her husband. But I don't really think it's my place to say anything else, considering that I don't have the full story about it, especially since the small bits I know has nothing to do with religion.
So uh, yeah. What I thought was going to be an emotional rollercoaster about my relationship with Hans and in turn my relationship with my parents. But it turns out they're more concerned about in the possibility it's not for the best, probably 'cos my sister is going through a rough patch in her own relationship. I don't know what's going on with her, but at least on my end, I know that it's an issue I'll need to revisit again.
Anyway, long story short, it was just my parents and me for dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant. For some reason, my mum starts asking me about Hans and our relationship, and how I knew I was sure about him. Asking me if I'm in it because there was no one else, or if I felt obliged to stay after so long; if there's no one in university or church, if I'm not leaving myself up to the possibility of anyone else. I know she asked these questions out of concern (and maybe there's something going on with my sister and her husband which is why my mum is worried and wants to be sure), but like damn, these were questions I had to deal with inside myself when Hans and I were really going to have to go the full 8000 miles apart.
That sort of self-doubt was not a good time lol I even remember messaging Hans about it, about all the "what if"s, and even that was upsetting for him. And it's not something I want to put him through again.
Another issue she raised, was that she felt it better if she did what her dad did, which is to get the other person to be baptised. I understood where she was coming from: it would make things a lot easier if he understood me on my wavelength, but again, that was another issue I already knew I had to deal with. He knows that, too, what with me casually slipping it into conversations and whatnot lol
Anyway, being overwhelmed by those questions (and the feelings I had attached to them that my mum had no chance to know about anyway I don't blame her) I tried hard not to cry. (my seafood stew was salty enough. if I wanted more I'd just ask the waitress to add the salt for me thanks) My mum apologised.
While eating, I was trying to understand why she was asking such questions. Was it because on the surface I didn't seem like I was that interested in him? I mean it was possible, considering that I was never really touchy-feely in front of my family when he was around, nor do I say much about our relationship since it's already hard enough to just find time to chat with each other.
And then I wondered why I myself was like that. I think for so long, I had just put up a front, trying not to be emotional or "give anything away", mostly 'cos I don't want to end up a blubbering mess just because I'm emotionally overwhelmed. Then I thought maybe I'm like that 'cos at some point, I didn't feel comfortable telling my family things that were important to me and emotionally special to me, Hans being one of them. (I guess it was the few times I remembered my siblings getting in trouble and the anger that resulted that terrifies me lol) Anyway, I thought the solution would be write a message to my mum, telling her how I felt about him, and that the reason I had been quiet about it is 'cos I didn't feel safe to express myself before.
But boy was I wrong.
As soon as we got home, it was my dad who approached me first. Basically, he came to tell me that he didn't agree with what my mum did, and that it wasn't the right time and place to have such a discussion, and that sometimes you can't always be sure in relationships. But, he said, if there was anything to take away, was about sharing the same faith. I can't exactly remember what he said about it, but he mentioned things like he knew of inter-faith marriages that worked, and that if my faith was something important to me, then it's something I would need to think about.
He was pretty emotional. I think that was 'cos he was felt my pain when I felt like I was being "attacked". Or maybe it's some concern spilling over from my sister's situation. Whatever it was, it was very much needed on my end, to see him emotional and vulnerable with me, something so rare to see. (but damn, if my dad cries, you know something hit him hard.) Ultimately, he wanted to comfort and reassure me and tell me he loved me, which I am very grateful for.
Then my mum came up, about an hour later, as I was writing this. At least by then, I was in a better position, and I knew, or well at least thought, where she was coming from. She doesn't doubt Hans and me, and in fact, thinks that things could be strengthened even more. She's concerned about my future, if I'm going to go to church alone, and when we have kids, who's going to do the faith formation, things like that. She doesn't deny that it's possible for a person's spouse to convert later during the marriage, but that it would be great if we started life together on the same foot.
I don't disagree with anything she says, I just personally know that pursuing the Catholic faith isn't something he would do on his own. I think he's open to experiencing and eventually learning about the faith, but if he does pursue it, it would be with me, which I'm happy to do. The boy needs a helping hand, and I'm the person for that lol
By this point, during the course of writing this post and after hearing what my parents had to say, I know the problem isn't so much Hans and/or me, but probably an issue that popped up concerning my sister. I say this for multiple reasons, like the last time my dad was visibly emotional was concerning my sister and her husband. But I don't really think it's my place to say anything else, considering that I don't have the full story about it, especially since the small bits I know has nothing to do with religion.
So uh, yeah. What I thought was going to be an emotional rollercoaster about my relationship with Hans and in turn my relationship with my parents. But it turns out they're more concerned about in the possibility it's not for the best, probably 'cos my sister is going through a rough patch in her own relationship. I don't know what's going on with her, but at least on my end, I know that it's an issue I'll need to revisit again.
Thursday, 25 January 2018
Change?
Long time no write lol I guess it would seem like this post came out of nowhere, but I felt like I had to write this. It's been something bothering me for quite awhile, and I guess I needed to put it down and verbalise it, instead of just leaving it in my head, where it gets twisted.
I suppose the starting point of this thought is kinda random: I was watching some videos of youtubers I used to watch in secondary school, and I saw that their latest videos were that of them essentially moving away from the platform for multiple reasons, that seemed to have happened all at once. And I guess, I never occurred to me that they had been making videos for ten years. And I remembered that they used to be people I was in awe of. And I don't know, I guess I felt, old. Anyway, they're not really the point. I guess it was just another manifestation of something I've been sort of afraid of: have I actually grown up?
Thinking about people I used to watch, led me to think about people I used to know in primary and secondary school, as in people I knew about, the people we (the usual bunch) used to talk and complain about lol And I feel like they people they are now, are kind of what I expected from them, but yet I also feel like they're far removed from where I am now. As in, I feel like I'm not like them, when some part of me thinks I'm expected to be: dressing up, going out, being social, making friends, whatever. Fair enough, that kind of thing was never my thing, but, I don't know, I feel like doing those things are typical of people growing up and growing older. I feel like I didn't experience things that "majority" of people have - and I guess that makes me feel like I've missed something.
I don't know if that's true or not. I mean, yeah, I guess those sort of experiences are what some people have as part of their growing up. Like in those choose-your-own-adventure stories, there are some paths which are taken more than others. But I guess I feel like that's just one of the reasons which makes me question whether I've really grown.
I feel like I'm still the same person, in a way, at least since my time in JC. I'm still afraid of many things (what is social interaction haha), there are things I don't want to face, things that I have felt and have not gotten over, and I don't want to grow up. Yeah, I got new responsibilities, but doing isn't always the same as being. And I guess the thought that I haven't changed as a person is what terrifies me. Like I'm falling behind, like I'm not being the person I'm expected to be, like I'm still the same old person I don't want to be!!
I suppose it's hard for me to find a frame of reference, especially since I haven't been regularly keeping track of my past-self, so I don't have much to look back on to know how far I've gone.
About not writing: I don't think it was a matter of laziness. It was more of, I was afraid of what people would think of me if I wrote down my experiences and thoughts. I would be giving people a reason to judge me, or think differently of me. Letting people read my thoughts is a frightening thought to me, especially considering how naive, dumb, and immature I used to be on my blogs lol I think, after awhile, I felt like no one wanted to listen to me, except for the two who I knew would. Even then, they're people who are struggling through their own things, too.
At some point, I started thinking, "there are people out there who have no one", and that I thought I was in a better position, so I shouldn't complain and be distressed. But I also know, internally, I'm probably not okay in many ways, and that I've been deluding myself. But still, I went on thinking that other people have their problems, no one wants to hear mine. (Maybe it's also why I'm afraid of social people: how are they so functional and normal lol Can they actually see through me and realise I'm not normal and that I have fears and anxieties gnawing away at me lol)
I think those two paragraphs sort of went on a tangent, but it does explain why I've been the way I've been, during and since JC.
I think JC-me is the person I want to move away from. The person who's afraid of social relationships, and be extension, afraid of getting to know and being with new people, afraid of letting new people in. It's like being in JC all over again, just that during that time, it was like I was being shoved into a box. Now, my past experiences exist in that small, neat package, serving as a reminder (a warning) of what happened lol
I know that at least over time, I have become more comfortable in the community I've found myself in, but I haven't done enough to actually reach out and get to know them. I guess that is a fear to overcome, and it doesn't help that I'm introverted in the first place.
I don't know, I guess I won't feel right with myself until I move on, move past my old self (at least what I think of as my old self). Maybe I have been taking steps, moving away from who I used to be. But it's like being an ant on the white starting line: I've probably moved from my original starting position, but all I see around me is the same white for what seems like forever.
At least being honest here has made me feel a bit better.
Watch as I doubt the words I have put down: is it honesty, or is it just me trying to reason away things lol
(I'm pretty sure some things were and some things weren't - I'm still not entirely honest with myself)
To whoever reading this post (i.e. future me, probably): let this post be a landmark, to mark out where I once was. If, at the point of reading this, I am nothing like the version of me as described in this post, let it be a good sign.
I suppose the starting point of this thought is kinda random: I was watching some videos of youtubers I used to watch in secondary school, and I saw that their latest videos were that of them essentially moving away from the platform for multiple reasons, that seemed to have happened all at once. And I guess, I never occurred to me that they had been making videos for ten years. And I remembered that they used to be people I was in awe of. And I don't know, I guess I felt, old. Anyway, they're not really the point. I guess it was just another manifestation of something I've been sort of afraid of: have I actually grown up?
Thinking about people I used to watch, led me to think about people I used to know in primary and secondary school, as in people I knew about, the people we (the usual bunch) used to talk and complain about lol And I feel like they people they are now, are kind of what I expected from them, but yet I also feel like they're far removed from where I am now. As in, I feel like I'm not like them, when some part of me thinks I'm expected to be: dressing up, going out, being social, making friends, whatever. Fair enough, that kind of thing was never my thing, but, I don't know, I feel like doing those things are typical of people growing up and growing older. I feel like I didn't experience things that "majority" of people have - and I guess that makes me feel like I've missed something.
I don't know if that's true or not. I mean, yeah, I guess those sort of experiences are what some people have as part of their growing up. Like in those choose-your-own-adventure stories, there are some paths which are taken more than others. But I guess I feel like that's just one of the reasons which makes me question whether I've really grown.
I feel like I'm still the same person, in a way, at least since my time in JC. I'm still afraid of many things (what is social interaction haha), there are things I don't want to face, things that I have felt and have not gotten over, and I don't want to grow up. Yeah, I got new responsibilities, but doing isn't always the same as being. And I guess the thought that I haven't changed as a person is what terrifies me. Like I'm falling behind, like I'm not being the person I'm expected to be, like I'm still the same old person I don't want to be!!
I suppose it's hard for me to find a frame of reference, especially since I haven't been regularly keeping track of my past-self, so I don't have much to look back on to know how far I've gone.
About not writing: I don't think it was a matter of laziness. It was more of, I was afraid of what people would think of me if I wrote down my experiences and thoughts. I would be giving people a reason to judge me, or think differently of me. Letting people read my thoughts is a frightening thought to me, especially considering how naive, dumb, and immature I used to be on my blogs lol I think, after awhile, I felt like no one wanted to listen to me, except for the two who I knew would. Even then, they're people who are struggling through their own things, too.
At some point, I started thinking, "there are people out there who have no one", and that I thought I was in a better position, so I shouldn't complain and be distressed. But I also know, internally, I'm probably not okay in many ways, and that I've been deluding myself. But still, I went on thinking that other people have their problems, no one wants to hear mine. (Maybe it's also why I'm afraid of social people: how are they so functional and normal lol Can they actually see through me and realise I'm not normal and that I have fears and anxieties gnawing away at me lol)
I think those two paragraphs sort of went on a tangent, but it does explain why I've been the way I've been, during and since JC.
I think JC-me is the person I want to move away from. The person who's afraid of social relationships, and be extension, afraid of getting to know and being with new people, afraid of letting new people in. It's like being in JC all over again, just that during that time, it was like I was being shoved into a box. Now, my past experiences exist in that small, neat package, serving as a reminder (a warning) of what happened lol
I know that at least over time, I have become more comfortable in the community I've found myself in, but I haven't done enough to actually reach out and get to know them. I guess that is a fear to overcome, and it doesn't help that I'm introverted in the first place.
I don't know, I guess I won't feel right with myself until I move on, move past my old self (at least what I think of as my old self). Maybe I have been taking steps, moving away from who I used to be. But it's like being an ant on the white starting line: I've probably moved from my original starting position, but all I see around me is the same white for what seems like forever.
At least being honest here has made me feel a bit better.
Watch as I doubt the words I have put down: is it honesty, or is it just me trying to reason away things lol
(I'm pretty sure some things were and some things weren't - I'm still not entirely honest with myself)
To whoever reading this post (i.e. future me, probably): let this post be a landmark, to mark out where I once was. If, at the point of reading this, I am nothing like the version of me as described in this post, let it be a good sign.
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