What in the World is Happening

At first I was gonna blog about the Catholic camp I attended, but after the kind of immediate feelings I had, I thought it was better not to, so I hadn't written for quite a while lol Well, I suppose what I felt throughout the later half of the camp, was a sense of not belonging, like not really being the kind of person the rest of the group was: going out with friends at night, being extroverted, outgoing, and all that, so I suppose I felt a little left out. Talking to people on the first and second day is easier 'cos you know, you still don't know people so people will still ask you stuff and talk to you.

Every night we're encouraged to have group sharing, and I'm not sure which night it was, but me being me, with the "nervous-to-the-point-of-crying-when-trying-to-say-something-kinda-personal-yet-objective" I cried and I feel like slapping myself for it lawl But yeah, I suppose I felt a sort of disconnect after that. I think that experience made me hyper-aware of myself, so maybe I felt so conscious about myself that I didn't see myself as being part of the group, and just saw myself as you know, me lol I don't know how true that is, but now that I've typed this out, I think that was the real reasoning or thought process at the time.

And since it's naturally easy to talk to people who are as outgoing/talkative as you, no one really talked me for the third and fourth days. And it was nice that someone asked me to come over and join in on their conversation, but again, I felt like if I was there or not, it didn't matter, so I suppose I left the camp with that thought in mind: it didn't matter if I was there or not, since no one really asked me to contribute or something lol And when people say that they want to meet up again, I feel like saying "lol do you really? Are you just saying this out of obligation? Because if you really wanted to know me, gurl you should've talked to me more during the camp lol" But of course yeah, it some way they're saying it out of obligation, but that's what being a nice person is, to invite people to stuff.

I know that that's the wrong sort of mentality to have about these sorts of social situations. I can't blame someone for not talking to me, I can't place that sort of unspoken expectation on them, that's unfair, especially since they're nice people who did nothing to make me feel bad about myself. All of this was just sort of in my mind. And that was why I didn't want to blog about it as soon as I got back, because I didn't want to give a negative portrayal of people who did absolutely no wrong to me. (And I italicise that, because on the off-chance someone from my group is reading, I want them to know that the feelings I had are not the feelings I have of them as of right now.) Yes, feelings are important, but what's more important are the choices and actions you take as a result of those feelings.

Anyway, I mulled over that for a few days, and when other groups started making plans, I felt like "lol u gaiz y u do dis 2 me", but I think it was a chance for me to go out and be sociable, even if my instinctive feeling is "no". That being said though, I don't know if I can go out at all this following week ;w;

From previous posts, I wrote about how my grandmother had a heart attack. Over Friday night-Saturday morning, she fell pretty hard, health-stability-wise, so we were anticipating her to go soon. After catechism, my mum and I went over, and everyone else was pretty much there too. At least for now, she's stabilised, but she's probably on the edge of going. So if I'm not around, at least you know why lol

That aside, I got a call tonight, basically inviting me to this, uh, pageant thing. I was honestly really confused about it and ugly-laughed about it to Ju. Basically when Ju and I went down to pay for our camp fees, they took pictures of us too, and at first I thought it was so the seniors could get a chance to recognise us and stuff like that, but lol nope. They were basically screening for candidates for a pageant they're gonna hold, and they choose people based on personality (from what they can see) and appearance and here's where I ugly-laugh.

Like, seriously? You're choosing the short girl, with braces and freckles, who used to be chubbers in primary school (and maybe some of secondary school), and puts little to no effort to her appearance (I have done absolutely no form of shaving or make-up in my free time), doesn't post any photos of herself, and came to the thing in a t-shirt and normal-length shorts. Looking at the photo shoots they've had, and the video documenting their event, I am not one of the people they're looking for, mate. You want girls who actually look like uni-going age, with long hair, average height, slim faces and little to no stomach lol

Okay lah, looking at the photos again on their facebook page, they look pretty normal irl but still, this is not the kind of thing for me lol And I suppose this came as shock to me too, after another incident I had when I went to buy craft supplies from Daiso lol I was walking from the station to J-Cube, and this young, Chinese lady approached me, and asked me to fill in a small slip of paper, asking for my name, age, and phone number. When she gave me the small sheet and pen, I just stood there kinda dumb, 'cos it was only then that I realised what she was asking me for LOL (I really need to get back into Chinese otherwise I can't understand poop) I thought it was just some survey thing, but nope. Basically I think they were trying to find people for their modeling company, and I got (what I assume) her personal business card, and then went on my way. So, it was a pretty weird experience, to be offered a possibility of modeling.

Anyway, thinking about the call now, it's not that bad, or at least, not as bad as it was made out to be from one photo, that wasn't even from the event in the first place lol Still, I ain't gon do it lol Feels so surreal really, to look at the kind of people they've selected before, and to think that they actually saw me as a possibility. Anyway, that's it lol I don't think anything big happened so ye.

Sec 3 Catechism Retreat

So, the sec 3 confirmation catechism-idk-what-to-title-it retreat just happened over the weekend. For some of those who messaged me since Friday, they know that I couldn't reply since I was at the camp, and even though I had the Power of Using My Phone (the sec 3s had to hand in their phones unless they had to leave the camp at some point) I didn't want to abuse my power. Also there wasn't really anytime for me to use it lol Overall, the hard work in preparing the camp and setting things up paid off.

Also I should preface by saying this is the first time my mum has had to run and plan the camp by herself. Like the usual people who do the camp have been doing it for years, so they've had experience with it, and we went with a different approach than the previous ones, which were so emo and had a lot of reflection. This time though, was kinda focusing on life after confirmation, where basically you leave catechism with the knowledge on what it means to be a good catholic. Not just in terms of the practice, but what it means to be, and your duty as a catholic, so our theme was about justice, so basically it was about making these kids aware about all the poop going on in this world, and what we as catholics are called to do for those in need, and make them think about what they can do themselves.

Preparation Stuff

We had many things we had to prepare beforehand, many of which I was involved in lol Like the setting up of the forest, which I mentioned in the previous post, or the cutting up of puzzles for their scavenger hunt, the sorting through of newspaper clippings, the whole labyrinth, a lot of things lol Although the biggest, was the labyrinth, and in the end we pulled it off c:

I tried looking through my other posts about it, and didn't find me talking about it, so I'll just type it out here anyway. So there's the labyrinth, which is kinda like a maze, but there's only one way in and you take the same way out, is one of the methods to pray and meditate. At first I wasn't so keen on the idea, 'cos I didn't think fifteen-year-olds would be open to the idea of walking on some path as a form of prayer, 'cos you know, why would they lol And I thought the walking might be a distraction to them. (I was later proven wrong and will explain later lol) Then the next problem, was that there's no portable version of it. Most of them are constructed with hedges or painted on floors, and we can't possibly do that in a church canteen lol The size was an issue as well, it had to be large enough for people to walk on. Still, I'm surprised we still managed to pull it off lol.

My mum had the idea to paint it on sheets of mahjong paper stuck together, so I helped her with all of that: taping seven rolls of seven sheets of mahjong paper, going to church with her to draw out the circles, then erasing and joining up circles to form a path, painting out the path, and then rolling it back up to keep for two weeks lol We probably spent like 2-3 hours for taping the sheets, and almost 4-5 hours non-stop for the actual drawing and construction. Also we bought gouache paint which was a brilliant idea, 'cos if it got onto the floor, we just wiped it away with wet wipes, since the paint was water-based lol Just as well we didn't by acrylic when we went to art friend. I also wrote the reflection for it, 'cos the sample one that my aunt wrote (she's done the labyrinth walk before) was like, just basic ways to do the walk. [I should probably talk about the result of that later as well.]

Day 1

We started at about 6 in the evening, and started them off with a scavenger hunt, to find pieces that they're supposed to fit together as a group. Basically it was a way to introduce them to our theme verse, about acting justly, loving tenderly, and walking humbly (with God). Then we made them write down some commitments that they hope to keep during the camp, and made them surrender their phones lol

After dinner, was the global issues quiz that I did!! I put in issues like poverty, environmental waste, racial and gender discrimination, lack of mental illness treatment etc My mum took out some questions and replaced them with other issues though, 'cos she thought that they were too hard for the sec 3s - and actually it was still p hard 'cos some issues have specific terminology which they might not know of. It is my fault though, I should've at least explained the questions while it was being run, but we were also short on time.

Then we had a little short activity, to make them reflect on what it's like to be in a situation of need and what it's like to be helped or not, then they're supposed to put a band aid on one person outside their group and receive one back. My mum asked for two kids to share what they felt as they thought back to a time they needed help, and for some reason, I felt the need to share what it feels like to be the one helping, since you know, helping someone is a two way thing. Also, I saw that the person who was supposed to come speak to the kids was running late, so what the heck, might as well use the time to talk right lol Like this was completely unplanned, I didn't even think about talking about it until we did the thing. So I talked about what it felt like helping Daryl through his depression, and you could hear my voice wavering and whatnot lol Although, after this and another incident later on, I think the kids now know me as being sensitive and always somehow crying LOL [This again, will be addressed later near the end]

The speaker that night was one of our own people from church who helps out at one of the charity organisations in the catholic church of Singapore. And I think most of them like him 'cos he helps out in catechism as well or something idk.

Anyway, after that, each group had four to five news articles that they're supposed to discuss. They choose one, then look at the issue, what the article says and discuss how we should respond to the social issue in question. Again, I helped my mum beforehand to sort through the articles, paste them on paper (since newspaper is thin and flimsy), highlight key points, and assign which articles to which groups. Anyway, I still have difficulty trying to help them discuss orz I mean, some of them are pretty straight forward, like it's p obvious that keeping refugees out of a church is wrong especially since we preach about love and helping those in need, so I don't know if that's why there wasn't much talking? Or maybe because some of these issues are things they don't know much about. Or it could just be me lol ;w; Oh well.

After that we had Eucharistic adoration, and sent them to shower and sleep at about 11.30+ pm. It was a good thing I showered before coming, so I didn't have to join the mad rush lol That being said, getting them to sleep was a real pain. The last time I checked the time that night was like 12.10, and they were still chatting and keeping each other awake, and it was so annoying when you're trying to sleep. And I really didn't want to get upset with them, because you know, no teenager likes an adult who is upset with them, and I didn't want to be that person to them. Also I was kinda upset that none of the older facilitators told them to go to sleep, but then again I don't know if I was the only one  sleeping in the same room as the girls :/ Eventually I had to threaten them with "if you don't sleep now, you'll end up outside" and that pretty much shut them up. But for about the next half an hour or so, I was paranoid that the girls might go outside and hang around or something, and that if anything happens to them, it was my responsibility.

Day 2

Waking the girls up was also sort of a headache. We had to get up at 5.45 in the morning to go for Saturday morning mass at 6.30 am. At least all of them came down in time though, so that wasn't so bad. I woke up at like 5.15 in the morning, 'cos a bunch of girls woke up early to go bathe, and since I wasn't really sleeping lightly throughout that night, I woke up too anyway. After getting changed and stuff, I spent like half an hour staring into space in the room 'cos there was like another half hour before going down.

Anyway, so we had mass in the morning, some praise and worship stuff and reflections, an activity on what it means to be humble, and what that translates to into action. Then we had our priest, Father RA talk to us as our second speaker, about Jesus and justice. I think a lot of it was p straightforward, like how Jesus was always about loving and forgiving the sinner, and not being with the stuck-up, self-righteous pharisees and all that. The main point also was justice, peace, love, which I think is important to remember when it comes to treating others and helping those who are disrespected. He didn't spend much time on that though. What he wanted to do, was to make them practice how to go up to receive holy communion, saying primary 3 kids do a better job than them, after seeing them in mass that morning lol It was pretty funny, but I guess at the same time, it was nice for them to see him not so serious and joke with them.

Later we had a session where were randomly given a scripture passage, discuss what it says about justice and the treatment of people, and then come up with a prayer about it. I think my group had a pretty successful discussion, even if it wasn't much of a buzz, but I think they identified some of the important points, so that's good c: The next session was about highlighting where most of our clothes are made from, like how US/European brands are manufactured in Southeast Asian or Middle Eastern countries. I think it was fun for them to look at the tags of each others clothes, and then going up to the map to paste little dot stickers on the countries where they're made. Then we had a game of jenga, where different basic necessities are on some of the blocks. If they pull out a block that had one of those needs, they have to explain the importance of it, and can't use it to continue building the tower. We did pretty well I think lol

Lunch was supposed to be "poverty lunch", which for most camps, is just one meal of bread and water, but we got yellow noodles with vegetable today lol For most of them, I'm sure they didn't like it, and some said they'd rather have bread and water instead lol But eh, it wasn't so bad to the point that anyone complained about it afterwards. Then we had more simple games, and an introduction to the seven themes of Catholic Social Teaching (life and dignity of the human person, call to family, community, and participation, rights and responsibilities, option for the poor and vulnerable, dignity of workers and their rights, solidarity, and care for creation) which are all pretty straightforward. They just had to match the theme to the corresponding icons.

Then we looked at the articles again, and tried to label which article addressed which of the seven themes. After that, each group had to take one of the themes, and discuss the articles in it, sadly, more troubles ahead for me: how do you discuss worker's rights with kids. I just kinda told them about what I know, and since we weren't really going anywhere, since you know, what do kids know about labour issues lol we ended up on the topic of braces. Oh well lol

After that was their time to have some fun and games set up by the youth group, so that was some time for us to relax, and set up the labyrinth for later in the night.

Then was time for our third speaker, who came to talk to us about social inventions, which basically means inventions that address a social issue, like his water bottles that purify drain water, or about watches that vibrate to warn deaf people of danger. It was kinda interesting, but the problem was that he didn't talk so much about contributions to society, but stuff like CST or what scripture says about justice and whatnot, which we had just discussed. The same thing kinda happened again with the next speaker that night, when she was supposed to talk about the legal work she does for migrant workers and their families. My mum later said that their initial slides and presentations was more focused on the work, but they changed it later so :/ Kinda hard for the sec 3s to get a feel for what it is they do I guess.

The next activity was to encourage the groups to identify five ways to show kindness to others, and then take pictures of them in action, which was pretty fun for them. Like one of the boys in my group had his sleeping bag out with him, so we made him wrap himself like a hobo burrito, and give him food that was their game prizes lol Or helping an "old man" (hobo burrito kid) up the stairs and cross the road, or helping the girl who recently had back surgery into a chair.

Oh yeah, I should talk about her lol Some time in May, she went for a back surgery, to insert a metal rod onto her spine to correct her scoliosis, so she was in hospital for a week, and p much bedridden for a month. It was surprising that she even slept over the first night, but she said she only got an hour of sleep, so she was to go home that night. During the games though, she came downstairs 'cos she needed a place to lie down, but I can't make her lie down on the floor right lol So I looked for someone in the youth group to ask if she could use their inflatable mattress to rest. So during the camp, if she wasn't downstairs with the rest of the group, she'd be upstairs to lie down. After getting to know her a little better though, I kinda regret not asking the rest of my group if they wanted to visit her when the opportunity presented itself.

Anyway, after dinner, they had to create their own superheroes, which you know, should be fun for them - but kids being kids, some of them treated it like a joke. One of the girls in my group (who is usually the one to answer me) came up with the idea of a guy fighting world hunger by shooting food out of his hands, which fair enough, isn't that bad of an idea lol But hobo burrito boy kept trying to make the hero based on our priest, and as much as I don't mind the idea, I don't know whether he's serious about it or just wants to make fun of him. When time came to present their heroes, it was kinda poop, but looking at the other groups, I guess we weren't the poopiest lol Still, the whole session made me tense and frustrated, because they weren't taking it seriously, and it's just tiring to have to deal with it I guess. When one of the girls asked if I was disappointed in them, I said yeah, and after I said it, I kinda regretted it, and I don't know if I was right for me to say that. Yeah, by then, my patience and tolerance was obviously wearing thin lol orz

Next, was a time for reflection again. The first three groups were sent to do the labyrinth, and the other four groups (including mine) went inside to reflect on what each person can do to bring about some change, and intercessory prayer with the facilitators, to pray for whatever it is they need to be a better person. During the time we had, I had two of the guys in my group come up to me and share some stuff, and then I prayed for them, and I was happy to. At first I was wondering if they even would dare come up to me, but I'm glad they did. Sadly, we didn't have enough time, to get to everyone, even though I did have time for one of them (a guy not in my group who came up to me lol) we had to cut it short. Then again, that was also because the labyrinth-half of the cohort started their session earlier, and the youth group leading the other half of the session started late, so we didn't have that much time, which I felt was a shame. Maybe I'll suggest to my mum that if there's some time during normal cat classes to do it, we should, for those who need it.

Part of me being here was also because I feel that being in this In Between of adulthood and being a teenager, I have enough hindsight to know what it is they're feeling or struggling with, but also the experience to support them through it, like that's what I want to do for them because I know what it's like to be fifteen in catechism class lol

As for the labyrinth, it surprisingly went down pretty well overall. The first half of kids were pretty eager to do it, but the second half (which I was with) not so much. Like the first eight of them were boys, and none of the girls were going up, until I went up myself to walk in it, so yey I did a good lol The only problem was that we overran, either because the kids weren't so eager about it, or because there were too many of them. That's the other problem about the time differences lol, the first half was three groups and the other was four, so we ended up sleeping at like, 12 again.

This time though, apparently one of the girls went out with a group of her friends to the grotto, kinda like a garden-fountain area of church, in the middle of the night, and one of our facilitators found them, and told them to go back. Later on it turned out that she felt anxious after doing the labyrinth, (maybe she thought of things that had been bothering her for a long time) and needed some time to cool down after it. And I suppose it's after hearing this that I feel kinda bad being annoyed by these kids, like sometimes they just don't want to listen, or they eat in rooms when they're not supposed to, or just take their time to go places. And I hate that feeling, of having to be upset with them.

Day 3

This day wasn't that long for them in terms of activities to do: praise and worship in the morning, some simple ideas about how we need to get to the root of these social problems and how working together and taking risks can solve them, some prayers to help them feel better if they feel that at fifteen they can't do anything about issues they're passionate about. And there was supposed to be one last activity, joining up strips of paper with some of their commitments/hopes written on them, and then linked to each other like a really long chain, but we replaced that with half an hour break time for them. Since many of them complained about how little sleep they got, we decided to let them nap - but there were a group of boys who wanted to play taiti or table tennis, and by the time we got them inside, it was like fifteen minutes left. I was upset with them because we're giving them time to rest when it wasn't even scheduled, like come on. And even then they were making fart sounds, like really bruh. Then there were also a bunch of girls walking around, some of them going to the toilet, going upstairs to get whatever, all that kind of stuff. And at that point I just got so fed up.

Feels bad, man. I broke down lol I didn't want to present myself like how they probably know my mum as: the one who has to police them and keep them in control, tell them to keep quiet and pay attention. Like whenever they start talking too much during sessions, I don't want to have to go up to them and stare at them until they shut up, or have to make my presence known until they keep quiet, or go around telling them not to eat where they shouldn't. I don't want to be that person. Neither do I want to be the person who has to second guess what it is they're doing, or wait for them to leave the room so they don't hang around when they shouldn't. I don't want to think they're bad kids because I know they're not. Thinking that is going against what I hope to be for them.

I was hoping to be a person that they could relate to, the person that they feel gets them when it comes to their problems, like you know, having someone older than you who understands what you're going through can make you feel a lot better about the situation you're in. Then again, when they had some time for reflection while my mum talked to the parents who came in the afternoon, the facilitator running that reflection said that a lot of them spent it prayerfully, like those that you don't expect to, took it seriously lol And I suppose it also made me realise that these kids probably aren't so out of touch with what they're feeling, and that maybe what I think of them, as kids who specifically need my help/input, isn't so true.

Anyway, I broke down lol My mum thought it was because I was stressed, that maybe she put too much on me to help her run the camp, but really it was just my own frustration with wanting to help them and yet not wanting to be the hated law enforcer. There were times in the camp, like during discussions, when I didn't want to help out anymore in the future. And then there were times, like during the labyrinth or Eucharist adoration, that gave me the courage and desire to stay on to help out in whatever way I can.

You know that feeling of having to deal with your emotions even though logically you know what it is you have to do? Like I know it's unfair of me to expect four year's worth of maturity on them, but is keeping quiet, or just not do things you're not supposed to do really out of their capability? (Maybe LOL) Anyway, I was sitting outside at the door to the room, initially to keep watch so that no one goes in without reason, but that meant during lunch, after their "nap", they could see me visibly upset lol So, I suppose now to them, I'm known for being weepy and always almost crying (since the last time I addressed them, was also a purposely emo session based on my own experiences LOL)

While I was feeling all the feels, I felt like I needed to talk to them, but I didn't get to and thought better no to anyway, 'cos now that I think about it, what I wanted to say was probably more of an apology rather than something that actually addresses them, so yeah. I stayed downstairs during the parents' session to help out with registration. Then one of the facilitators hurriedly called me up, saying that my mum needed me, so I thought it was something serious like addressing the parents about what it's like being a teenager, but no, she just wanted me to hand stuff out lol orz

That aside though, I did have a chance to speak quite a fair bit with the girl with scoliosis, like while the kids were upstairs for their own session away from the parents, she came downstairs to look for me, saying that she needed to lie down, so I went up with her to the youth group (did I ever say what they are? They're called the EDs lol orz)'s room to lie down. And during the parent's session, when they're supposed to write words of affirmation on stickers and then paste them on their child, I did that for her too, since her parents ended up not coming. I talked with her about school, and got to know her better, like how she plays piano, violin, and cello, and wants to get into SotA (I think, lel orz) and how, for some reason, her piano teacher wants her to go from grade 2 to grade 6 which is really ???????? And yeah, just keep her company. Even when the session was over and we had like fifteen, twenty minutes until mass, I accompanied her while she was resting upstairs, and offered to sit with her during mass since her parents couldn't come. So if there was one kid that I could actually help during catechism this year, it's her, and at least I can find comfort in the fact that I'm not doing that bad of a job of being someone for one of them.

Anyway, taking these two days to kinda think about what happened has made me realise that these kids may or may not need my help and experiences lol As much as I hope to be a person for them, like how I wish there was a person for me when I was their age or a person for other people in my life, I have to realise that I'm not that person for everyone.

Grandmother, Falling, Camps, Masterchef, Cleaning

I guess a lot has happened during the past week - and we're gonna start off heavy lol

Tuesday
My grandmother was hospitalised because of heart failure, and turns out that her left side stopped working. Last time I heard, I think it was 30% working? So that's not a lot. I think when we first heard it, it was such a shock because it was so unexpected. I mean yeah, she had a stroke before (which might have led to her dementia) but this heart failure was so sudden, 'cos she's normally alert and at least somewhat responsive when she's spoken to.

Wednesday
Anyway, I went with my mum to visit her on Wednesday night, the night after she was hospitalised. According to my aunt, she was feistier and antsy the previous night, trying to grab at the bed handle-thing, and when people offered their arm to her, she'd grab it real tightly. Supposedly that's because her adrenaline was still running high, so she was still moving around despite her heart failure.

That night we went though, she seemed fine, like she was alert and responsive like she usually is, just that she wasn't eating as much. When we went at dinner time, she only at a tablespoonful of food. She also kept grabbing at the bed-handle-thing, and thought what she needed was help sitting up better. It kinda worked, but she kept struggling and kicking at the sheets, like she was still uncomfortable. We also arranged with one of the priests (he's the soft-spoken, nice Chinese priest, in charge of pastoral care) at our church to come down and give her the sacrament of anointing (of the sick) the next morning.

Thursday
I, just to follow my mum 'cos what else am I gonna do at home lol, tagged along. It felt kinda weird though, watching her get cleaned by people. She kinda whimpered and looked like she was crying, and I don't know if it was out of pain (she had some bed sores), or embarrassment, or whatever it was. We tried moving her into a chair, so that maybe it would be easier for her to eat. Well, eating was no different from the night before, but I think she was more comfortable sitting than reclining, since she didn't put up such a fuss. She did keep leaning forward a lot though, trying to cough or spit out something, as though she had a lot of phlegm. I guess it was possible, since that a lot of water collected in her lungs. But when you're old and have no more chest power, it's not easy to do.

We let her receive the sacrament of reconciliation and anointing of the sick in her chair as well. I don't know if she understood what was going on though, 'cos whenever the priest laid his hand on her head, or when told to reflect and apologise for her sins silently in her heart, she would close her eyes, as though she was really thinking about it. That being said, I don't know how religious she is. I do know (I think while I was in primary school) that we used to bring her to church on Sundays, though.

It's weird suddenly remembering things like that; it felt like such a distant memory. Like I remember I had to help her buckle her seat belt, and my grandparents going to China, and she would buy stuff back for us. Apparently she used to take my siblings out a lot, to Botanic Gardens, or to buy toys (I don't remember those things though.) I don't know why I forget some of these family-related memories. I'm p sure that for a long time, I kinda sold my family-relations as "not really there, but that's fine with me" - although I guess things in the past would say otherwise lol Maybe it's just 'cos the recent past (secondary school onwards) didn't feature them much. At least now I can relate better to my bro, since we're both stuck at home now lol

Anyway that wasn't the point lol That Thursday night, my mum, sis, and I went to watch a musical titled "Falling", about an 18-year-old boy with severe autism, and how his family copes with it. It was interesting I guess, with realistic conflicts and tension: able-bodied daughter who (at least secretly) sees her brother as dead weight; grandmother that came on a visit offers prayers as a solution; mother who babies her son and solely shoulders his aggressive episodes.

I guess it's just like life: things would be a lot better for us as a collective if we didn't think about ourselves so much lol Like there's nothing wrong with the grandmother turning to religion as a source of strength and comfort, but there were jokes making fun of her beliefs, and when people indirectly shut her down for being "naive", like come on bruh, you can really do without that. Yeah, she may have crossed the line when she indirectly, unknowingly believed autism to be a disease that can be cured, but that's all the more reason why we should be educating people about mental disabilities!! You could say that the mother is endangering her life and the rest of her family's by letting the son stay with them, especially since he has aggressive episodes, regardless of how frequent or infrequent it is. But at the same time, staying in a home might not be the right choice for her son. The sister herself has a right to live her own life, and to fear her brother (after one of his aggressive episodes), but at the same time, her mother is struggling already as it is.

I guess ultimately, it's about being flexible, knowing how to give and take, how to accept other people's offers and how to listen and inform ourselves, and sometimes just keep on keeping on. Easier said than done though, but anything that keeps us moving forward, right?

Friday
Unfortunately, the next few paragraphs aren't particularly easygoing either lol On Friday, I went down to church to see how they were setting up the sec 2 camp ('cos there's a portion they're doing that we're doing for the sec 3s as well). I helped out with it, and talked to a daughter of one of our catechists. She's p nice I guess, and she's not part of the youth group, so at least I didn't feel so weird and awkward about having to talk to someone "close to my age" lol But then the youth group started coming in, to discuss their game stations and whatnot, and I just felt kinda self-conscious about their presence lol

I know it's weird, but somehow I just don't like the idea of approaching a group of similar-aged people, especially if they possibly know each other already. That's also one of the reasons I don't want to join them at this point, since most of them know each other already. Then that got me kinda anxious about orientation camps, and what might happen if I miss those. I guess the catholic one won't be so bad - but it kinda is 'cos I don't know of any catholic entering NUS this year. so going in alone is kinda nerve-wracking. Same with the life science camp: I don't want to miss it entirely, 'cos the dates Hans is here overlaps with the camp and I'm like !!!!!!!! I don't want to go into a group of people that already knows each other!! Yeah, so that's my biggest concern about camps lol (or the lack thereof)

Also we were looking forward to the finale episode of Masterchef the professionals (original UK version) and instead they showed the previous episode, and we were like ????? That was kinda disappointing, but my dad and bro managed to watch it online. I tried doing that too, but the video was out of sync on my computer so :/ I managed to catch the rerun today (Monday) though, but that just leaves my mum out of the loop, 'cos they're not showing it again ono When I watched it today though, it wasn't that spectacular, just them having to cook three dishes each, and I had already accidentally spoiled myself when I was trying to look up one of the contestants, so the reveal wasn't that huge lol orz

Saturday
Also, I came across an article saying how this season of Masterchef was sexist and I'm like, gurl do you even know what you're talking about. I mean yeah, only one lady made it through to the semi-finals, and even she was eventually eliminated, but that's not 'cos women were viewed or treated as lesser in the competition!! She was eliminated because even though her dish displayed her technical skill, it didn't have that X factor, that "something special" she needed to stand out from the rest of the competitors. The judges were looking forward to what she could do in fact, so take that, feminists-who-"watched"-the-show!!

Another point of complaint was something the female judge, Monica Galetti, said, about how women can't choose between being a professional chef and a mother. Firstly, it's not like she's the one dictating that women have to choose, she was saying it like it is - how the work environment is - that it has made it such that they can't do both. If you find fault in anything about cooking, it should be the work environment and perception. Yeah being a chef is labour-intensive, but sexism is when you limit women to certain jobs just because they're not "physically capable" to do a "man's job". [In other news, I really like Monica Galetti. She's an experienced, straight-laced lady who knows what she's talking about lol]

Sunday
And now, onto more "fun" stuff, <sarcasm> yaaaaaaayyy</sarcasm> I spent Sunday and today cleaning stuff, like a lot of stuff. My mum wanted to reorganise the kitchen drawer that keeps all our cooking stuff, like the spatulas, ladles, peelers etc 'cos it was all messy and things just piled on top of each other. Like she knew she had a new pair of scissors in there, a garlic press that went missing, stuff like that. So, we took everything out, went to Ikea (which was surprisingly very crowded, apparently 'cos it's hari raya puasa soon) and then rearranged everything! I think we did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself.

Then I cleared out the basket full of plastic bags. It wasn't so bad, just that well, some bags were kinda icky, aaaaaaaand a lizard threw itself at me when I tried opening one of the bags. I was traumatised when I was clearing out the second lot of plastic bags hhhhhhh Anyway, now the small bags (for Dal's poop-e-doops) is in a tissue box, so that you can just pull out bags as you need them, like you would do with tissue! And the medium-sized plastic bags, that can be used for dustbins in each room, is in its own little bin lol That took me quite a long time to sort through, and at some point I just gave up and discarded the dirtier plastic bags in the recycling bin lol

I wrote a bunch of emails/messages too: asking about whether I could skip the first day of the life science camp, clarifying some stuff about an internship this small papercrafting company is holding, looking for some place that sells second hand furniture so that we can sell our own furniture to them, and to ask my priest about the France pilgrimage photos I was supposed to organise and sort through.

The only reply I got, was from my priest LOL He forgot that I offered to look through them, then he said that he'll do it first. It was weird emailing him though, like it was sort of an awkward conversation. How formally do I have to address him? When does this conversation end lol I didn't want to end my reply too short, so I just reminded him not to forget to sleep (he sleeps four hours can you believe) and he called me thoughtful and I'm like ????? who dis I guess I was more surprised that he would reply so soon, and at night some more, like I thought he would have more pressing emails or stuff to attend to, but instead he entertains my smol inquiry lol On that note, no one else has replied to my messages :U

Monday
Today, I did even more clearing up, this time in my mum's study area, and under the sink upstairs. Reorganising three drawers-worth of stationery and paper wasn't so bad - until I realised that it took me like two hours. Ended up eating lunch at 2 pm, when I had started clearing at 11.30 this morning. Then I sorted through the pens, the cheapo free giveaway kind of pens, and the proper store-bought ones, then I went upstairs to clear what I could under the sink.

I gave myself an hour (and another forty minutes so that I could bathe before catching the rerun of Masterchef), and there were quite a number of hidden gems in there, like the rabbit-themed lacquer set, which honestly I think is really worth selling. There were things like cutlery, plastic trays, and plastic bowls that were kept up there, 'cos my mum intended to use upstairs as an eating area, but that never really happened, and even if it did, probably like once every few years (yes, years). Most stuff can still be used, but the metallic stuff like the cutlery and those Ikea metal candle lamp things got rusty.

I gave up cleaning when I found one box that had a really rusty holder of some sort. Like it was so rusty, that the cloth touching it was yellow. It has no reason to be yellow??? There were four ceramic mugs in there too which looked like they were stained, and I was just like nope, I'm so done with this, I don't want to deal with it, and just shoved that box back under the sink. I tried washing the plastic containers and boxes by spraying them with the hose, but that didn't really work.

Just as well I stopped though, 'cos then it started to downpour halfway through Masterchef. It got really bad to the point that this candle-lamp thing I was given as a gift, was blown off the shelf and fell onto the floor. It's glass, but at least it didn't shatter, just that the small glass panels kinda came out of its frame. Also my sister's exercise clothes got wet, but welp lol My bro and I managed to save the stuff I had taken out from under the sink though, and brought them inside. Hopefully the plastic boxes are holding up too, and they probably just collected extra rain water lol

Anyway, the problem of the remaining stuff under the sink isn't solved yet, and looking around the house, there are so many drawers that need reorganising - even my own. My mum said that one of her classmate's job is to declutter people's houses, and honestly, I wouldn't mind taking up that job LOL So if you ever need to clear out your drawers or wardrobe, just call on me, and I'll do it for like, $10 per kg. And every kg of items that can be recycled, repurposed, or given away, I'll give you $3-4 back.

Yeah, so that's mostly what's happened this past week! Tomorrow I'll probably have to go through more stuff tomorrow, although I kinda want to do it with my mum like we did with the kitchen, 'cos I don't know what are the things she wants to keep, or how to properly to dispose of really disgusting rusty stuff eugh. But my bro is getting all four wisdom teeth extracted, so I probably won't be able to do that. Maybe I'll look through the rags cupboard and clear those out. And then clear out more of my mum's study area drawers, and then clear out my own drawers? and then-- you get the point lol My life is just currently

Clear All The Things.

To Do: Housework

I kept thinking that during May I'd get myself a job or something, at least for the month of June, but now those plans have changed - I have housework to do lol I suppose I should kinda start from the beginning so it makes more sense.

At some point at the end of last month/beginning of this month, Joc's skin eczema started getting worse, like real bad, as bad as it was when she had to go for phototherapy. When I went with her for her consultation, I thought things were gonna be okay, because I think the last time, my mum got fed up since Joc wasn't really up for it. Unfortunately, the same thing happened again :/ I don't really want to go into detail about it, but basically it boils down to my mum and Joc not really seeing eye to eye anymore.

I guess it's because as much as my mum tries to help - with actual medical help and treatment - Joc doesn't want it, maybe she sees it as her being a burden, or that it won't work or something. I guess it's that sort of frustration when you offer someone help/advice and they just don't want to take it, for whatever reason. Of course, frustration brings about Real Bad Feelings, to the point that even when I hear my mum raise her voice, I get really stressed out by it, and you can really feel the tension.

Anyway, Joc's gone back home for holiday for the next three weeks, so it's me, my bro, and sometimes my mum who will be at home during most of the day. We're trying out this cleaning service for the next three weeks as well. They'll mostly do the vacuuming, mopping, toilet-cleaning, stuff like that, so I suppose I don't have to do that lol But I'll still have to do my part and help out of course. Yesterday, I tried my hand at vacuuming and wiping the floors (with that wet-wipe-cloth-broom-thing lol), but I suppose what we really needed was some ol' fashion mopping. Apparently the cleaners said their mops were all black after mopping lol orz There is the matter of Dal of course, so I'll probably be the one to walk him, sometimes feed him at night.

Also my bro and I will have to figure out how to cook lunch for ourselves, which I thought was gonna be simple to do, but I'm afraid of accidentally burning myself, from either water or oil lol That doesn't solve dinner though: so far the plan is to order in, which I suppose is okay, but I don't know how long we'd last. Yesterday, my sis came back home for awhile, and she cooked us 2-minute noodles lel And today my mum showed us how to cook the instant udon and other stuff with it, like fishcake, mushrooms, some vegetables, and some chicken. It was quite a lot of food though, even if it just tastes "eh". Tomorrow will be the real challenge for us, though.

That aside, there's also the sec 3 catechism retreat for their confirmation, so I'm helping out in that too. After seeing my mum tired and kinda stressed at the meeting we had around last week (it could also be because she just doesn't work well at night lol), I knew I had to do more, at least in some way. So I just do the "hard labour" stuff, like pasting the newspaper cuttings onto mahjong paper as its backing, or pasting sticker labels on the Jenga blocks for a game, or sanding down the Jenga blocks 'cos one of the boxes we got had some glue-paint-thing on them.

I suppose I could still afford to go out and get myself a job, (I was hoping to at least for June) but not all of them are that flexible with like, 3 days a week or something. Some require to go on weekends and I'm like gurl I can't afford that. Some places don't even state their hours. So, if I still want to find work, I might do that when I get my university timetable and work around that, as long as we don't have to go to school everyday. Also there's stuff like uni orientation camps coming up (even the NUS Catholic society has one held in my church lol) and Hans is coming back for five days in July, so

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Basically I can't really go out for extended periods of time 'cos I don't know when I might be needed at home or by my mum.

Ah well.

I Said Hey

I don't know what's going on lol

When was the last time I wrote? About two weeks ago? And it feels like so much has happened that I can't remember what happened lol I don't think anything big happened, though. All I remember was going to Claire's house to have pizza (so she could use her special pizza deal LOL) about two weeks ago, going out with Daryl and Abbi before he flew off for a retreat last week, and going to Jo's house to just hang out.

Other things that happened was me and the France pilgrimage group celebrating Father's (belated) birthday with him one night, and I made his card (mostly just to try out my brush markers lel). Eh, it was kinda like the same as the trip, where I didn't really have the chance to talk with other people or have that much to talk about. I think I could've made the card better, but I think it was still p cute ouo Also TOB is officially over, but I'm still helping my mum out with catechism for the rest of the year, since you know, I still have nothing to do for the next few months. At least helping her out gives me something to do, I guess.

I also put up new noticeboards and wrapped the borders with washi tape, and I think it looks p cool and better than the original boards I had. The old ones were suck onto the wall with foam tape though, which I can't for the life of me get rid of, so I just had to use the new boards to cover them up lol orz Also my bro came back from Qatar, and we've been eating a lot of food he's been missing, but eh nothing much apart from that. Also my bros can be real annoying >:V But I don't want to talk about it. I don't like being upset lol

Today I feel kinda empty, and I don't really know why. I kinda think maybe by keeping myself occupied I can feel a little better, like you know, to know that I'm doing something and to distract myself from being empty. So I guess that's why I'm writing this even though I don't really have much to write about (or nothing much comes to mind) and then I'll probably do that quiz thing I'm supposed to do for the sec 3 catechism retreat, make more pages of my postcard album, maybe clear out my drawers.

Eh.

France Pilgrimage: Eh, Probably the Only Post You Guys Will Read lol

I uh, don't really know what to title this post. It's supposed to be about stuff in general, like the people in my group, my personal experiences - everything that's not knowledge or information basically lol I thought to type all of this down first since I'm more likely to forget them than head knowledge about the saints and places. But now that I think about it, I guess you wouldn't be so interested in the churches I went to, or the saints I learned of lol If there are any photos I want to put online, I'll probably put it in a separate post.

People

I guess I should begin with the people in this group. Considering that the France and Italy trips are kinda like a crash course on Catholic churches and historical events, many of these people are newly baptised. (It's not like the Austrian trip which was more for those that have been on previous pilgrimages and already know their stuff.) Some of them aren't though, and are accompanying their baptised siblings/spouses, or if not, they're like me to complete all four pilgrimages lol My roommate was on this trip because she had been on the previous three and France was the only one she missed out on.

Quite a handful of them were old, like in their late fifties or in their sixties, but we ranged from 20 to 50 as well. I was the youngest of course lol but I can't say I'm surprised people still asked me what I did for a living, considering that, well, everyone else was. Either that, or others mistake one of the twenty-year-olds to be the youngest, so I don't know where that puts me :I That being said, a lot of people didn't look like their age. One of them was a teacher at one of the polytechnics and she doesn't look in her late forties, and some thirty-year-olds didn't look like they were above thirty. I even assumed that some of the twenty-year-olds were still in uni ;w;

My roommate is older than my mum by six years and gurl, let me tell you, she don't look it. She has kids that just turned thirty and aren't married yet, and here I am, still a babby. She's p chill with me though, now that I think about it. At one point, Father told her not to (I'm paraphrasing here) "hold onto me tightly and let me hang out with the younger people" and I'm like wAHT. (She herself said that she doesn't hold onto her own daughter that tightly.) If he was talking to my mum, I'd understand, but like. Father pls. No one is forcing me to hang out with an old lady and her married friends. I'm there because I know no one else and have no one to hang out with lol I'm not saying that the younger people are bad, just that you know, I don't know them and I wouldn't proactively ask if I can hang out with them. But if they ask and insist that I do, I honestly don't mind and I'm kinda happy about it.

I'd say more, but after this trip, I kinda feel like I shouldn't speak ill about others. I'm not saying that anyone was absolutely definitely terrible, but there are just some people I'm kinda "eeeehhh" about.

2nd-3rd April: The Flight

Like the Austrian trip, we had to transfer in Doha - but I didn't know that the total flying time would be almost twelve hours ;w;

I don't like flying, sadly. Since I was a kid, I would kinda get this clinical, sterile feeling from the dry air in airports, and my stomach would feel kinda empty. You know how as a kid, you're supposed to eat sweets so that your ears don't pop? Yeah, I eventually got sick of the taste of hi-chew, fruitella, caramel werthers and all other sweets, because the taste reminded me so much of the plane. Also they make your throat dry, meaning you have to drink the water on the plane - which tastes horrible too. (I've learned how to go without them entirely now, so das good.) Also with braces on, it's really troublesome to thoroughly brush your teeth. I settled for just brushing without toothpaste, so that at least the bigger chunks were out, but ugh, after this, I really like having the chance to brush my teeth often.

Anyway, we had two flights, one to Doha, and the next to Paris. Our first flight was delayed because the safety video wouldn't play properly, so we couldn't fly off until the everyone saw it in full in their respective languages. Well, I don't know if there was any other reason for us flying longer than we needed to, but by the time we landed in Doha, we only had ten minutes to catch our next flight. Ten minutes.

Since our flight from Singapore was a night flight and we would end up in France in the morning, we had to spend most of the flights sleeping, which is what I did lol I didn't sleep very heavily, kinda like at half an hour intervals. I think the other problem with braces, is that you drool a lot. Also, I try to unpop my ears by yawning a lot, but that means inadvertently swallowing air too. When I coughed, it seems like I needed to barf, but really it was me barfing out air in the form of burps.

When we first landed, the Paris airport didn't seem, spectacular. It looked kinda old with concrete walls, and for some reason, their travelators are really rubbery, so when you step at some parts, it kinda depresses? Weird. French scenery isn't that great either, considering winter just ended and many trees are still naked lol

We got a Portuguese bus driver, apparently. According to my mum, one of the previous French trips had a really bad driver who would just stop for no reason and even threatened our priest once. I guess that's why we got a Portuguese driver this time? I actually didn't know he was Portuguese at first, but all I thought was that Paulo isn't really a French name. I guess I should've known by the Portuguese writings on the windows too lel

Anyway, I was assigned to sit in seats second from the front - right behind Father. [I know I called him Father R before, but that feels so weird, so Imma just call him Father.] Also, before the trip, I was assigned to be the "choir" for the masses (we had mass every day) since 1. it's not my first pilgrimage and 2. my mum had to do that before on the Austria trip so I know what to do. That being said though, I knew only 2/3 of all the hymns before I left. I raged so hard when I tried to learn the ones I didn't know, but at least that worked out in the end, since I kinda learned them along the way (I only left out like four songs lel)

Intermission: Steam

Looking through the notebook I was writing in during the trip, I wrote down that I created a steam account. I guess I wrote it down because I knew I hadn't written it on my blog yet so lol Yeah, I made an account because my bro wanted to gift Stardew Valley to me, and along the way, I bought myself Shelter 1 and 2 since it was on sale, and I thought it looked really cute ;w; It's a game where you play as a mother badger and wolf-thing-ican'tremember (in the respective games) and you have to lead your five kids through different levels and survive through them. Your kids can die from starvation if you don't feed them, preyed upon by big birds, get lost in the dark, swept away by waves, or die in fires ouo Still a cute game.

Anyway, the first round I played it, I lost one to starvation, because I couldn't feed it while being chased by the big birb; one fell behind when we were being chased by same big birb; one was lost in the darkness (when they hear a noise and scamper away from you, and you can only save them if  you chase after them and keep them within your field of vision); one accidentally died when waves in the river swept it away (I didn't know you had to run across the river in one shot and that you couldn't stand on the rocks in the river ;w;), and the last one died a similar way 'cos I had to turn up the river at the last minute. I wrote down in my notebook that I was gonna replay it to keep at least one alive, and I did! I don't know if I should be proud of myself or not ;www;

4th April: Photographs and Postcards

I think it was on the second day of the trip, that I decided to forgo my mum's camera and just takes pictures using my phone instead. It's troublesome to have to bring the camera, my phone, wallet, notebook etc down the bus, then take the camera out, turn it on, and put it back into my jacket, over and over again. Also, the camera is kinda old, so the quality isn't the best.

That being said though, it was a good idea of me to take out the microSD card from my old phone and put it into this one. Initially I was worried that I would take too many pictures, judging by what happened in Austria where we had to buy another SD card for the camera since we ran out of space lol Turns out I had just under 400 photos at the end of the trip. I didn't take that many pictures either, and just took what was pointed out to us, since last time, I have pictures of things I have no recollection of. Also this trip had fewer sights to see, so I suppose that also meant fewer photos.

I also figured out how to take pictures of stained glass that I wouldn't have known how to do on the camera: change the EV settings lel Don't judge me, k, I have no technical experience with cameras and photography ono

Since there will always be shots I can't take, it's time to collect postcards!! At one of the churches we visited, we were given a short amount of time to go to the toilet and browse the bookshop, and honestly I should've gone to the bookstore first. All I wanted was a postcard that was 50 cents, but everyone else in front of me were buying loads of stuff since the lady at the counter had no small change, so they all had no choice but to buy a lot lol And I was the last one in the line, so, ;w; (all that for a 50-cent postcard...)

Also yesterday, (Wednesday the 19th) when I went out with my mum to Raffles city, I got myself a photo album binder, as a way to keep my postcard collection together. I have some photo albums at home, but they're the kind where you pull back the plastic sheet, place your photos on the paper, and put the plastic back, meaning that you can't really take them out again. Also those pages are yellowing and I don't know how much longer they can last. Alternatively, not all photos are the same size as postcards, so I can't fit them into standard photo pockets of albums. So, I had two options:

1. get a ring file with those plastic file pockets, use those photo corners that can stick to paper, and stick them onto coloured cardstock and file them.
or
2. accordion photo album (preferably black) and do the photo corners

I ended up getting an empty photo album binder, and now I'm cutting my own pages to the size I want, decorate the pages, and stick my postcards on with the photo corners. The other good thing about this is that I can put in as many pages as I want as my collection grows. I guess it looks kinda cute, but it's not quite what I had in mind. If I had a black accordion book with a lot of pages, I think it would look a lot classier lol But at least the current method is better than what I thought of for the first option.

5th April: Nosebleed

On the night we reached Lourdes, I got a nosebleed c: Good job, me, I held up the whole group as they waited for me and my roommate to come down lol Even our resident doctor of the group was sent up to our room by Father to check in on me. I don't know how long I took, but I knew I couldn't stay for very long so I couldn't wait till everything was gone. I went down still with tissue in hand (still pinching) and walked around with everyone else with it lol People kept asking me if I was okay, and I'm like "lol chill bruh bleeding noses in the cold isn't such a big deal" (some still asked me the next morning) but I guess I'm happy to know that they were so concerned about me.

6th-7th April: A Day and Lunch in Lourdes

Okay, this was kind of a big deal to me, because the night before, Father was telling us about how the different language slots for morning masses at the grotto worked. Each language mass has a specific timing, so the English one can be really packed with Americans and other English-speaking pilgrimages groups - in other words, we wouldn't be the only ones celebrating mass there. How they decide which priest celebrates mass though, depends on the seniority of that priest. (He recounted once, a previous time he was in Lourdes, how the American priests didn't bother asking each other what position they held as they prepared for their own masses, while he sat by the side with his stole. Then this priest from Malaysia came in, sets down his bag, and took out his bishop hat-thing and all the Americans immediately hushed up and knew their place lel)

Anyway, that didn't mean I was off the hook yet for choir duty since it was still possible that Father was the most senior among the priests at our mass, so I was kinda freaking out like "amg what if I have to lead all the hymns and I mess up in front of foreigners should I prepare songs that they know in case we're the one celebrating mass and they have to follow our lead omg the responsibliyt ithe preusseure"

Turns out we were pretty much the only people there, and even if there were others priests with their own pilgrimage groups, we outnumbered them, so. Mass just kinda went on like usual, but I had chosen some of the 'Murican hymns anyway, for any of those that were there. I guess I just overthought the situation, but it was just like the masses we had been having the days before lol orz

Later that day, we had stations of the cross, which is basically a prayer that goes through the journey of Jesus from Pontius Pilate to his tomb, and it was on this huge hill that was pretty steep at some places, both going up and down. My legs were so dead after, that I struggled to sit down and standing up was a better alternative lol

Anyway, we had a procession at night, which started at 9 pm (I swear, it was still as bright as 7 pm in Singapore) and ended at 11. We each had a lighted candle and prayed the rosary in our own language as we walked towards the square, where the rosary basilica is. (They do this every night, even on the rainy night before we left, and carried on despite only having around a hundred people, I think.) It was an interesting experience though, because there are so many people from all over the place: the group behind us was Korean, in hanbok. At the basilica itself, there were representatives from different countries, so they take turns to lead the rosary in their own languages.

The next day, we had like four to six hours on our own to go around Lourdes lol I kinda forgot how big the place actually is, and that Lourdes isn't just the area where the basilicas are. When you go further up and cross a bridge or two, there are quite a lot of restaurants and stores. My roommate and I crossed the bridge, to what is, according to the lady at the concierge, is the city centre, and walked along the river, looking out for restaurants that sold crepes.

We stopped at one of the restaurants to look at the menu, and the manager came out and asked if we wanted a table outside, and we were like lol no. He said that he thought we would like such cooling weather, until my roommate (I should just call her Kat from now own actually lol) said that it was too cold for her, then he took her hand and was like "yes, it is cold!" then proceeded to bring us in and gave us glasses of hot water, for our hands. Then he brought us another two glasses of water, "for drinking", saying that the first one was just for our hands lol

He's such a nice guy though, in his forties, running what looked like a family restaurant-diner, with bar and all. He even had regulars coming in - and almost none of them spoke French. They were either Italian, Spanish, or I think even a couple of Germans? And he spoke to them all. I suppose I should've known judging from how there were different menus for different languages, but I didn't expect him to actually speak it.

We had couscous in an African-style stew, and that was the day (well, one of the days) I ate vegetables that I wouldn't have eaten otherwise. It was quite a lot for one person, but we (and by we, I mean me) managed to finish it. Then we had normal french pancakes with chestnut cream, which I liked, 'cos it wasn't so sweet and sticky. I mean they're not like the Japanese crepes, but I liked it anyway.

After lunch, we headed to the pharmacy, 'cos Aunt Kat needed somethingidk, and Father was there, purely by coincidence. After we left, we stopped by a store selling priestly garments, (because Aunt Kat has been meaning to do some embroidery work for Father, so I guess she went in for inspiration), and again, Father was there! After that, he accused me of stalking him ;w; (later on, when we were in the same elevator in the hotel, he wouldn't live it down. Fatheryudodistome) Anyway, I found a nice pendant for my mum, and then bought a pin too for 4 euros. When I handed my 5 euro note to the guy at the cash register, it took him like 30 seconds to realise he hadn't given me change yet LOL

At night, it got real cold 'cos it was raining, and omg life is suffering without gloves. I could move my fingers, but I couldn't really feel them. At some point, we went back to our room, and saw Father and (I don't know what to call her? But her name's Anna) Anna come out of their room, and the asked if we wanted to get a drink with them, and we were like "lol okay" So we went back outside, and we ended up not having drinks with them lol Aunt Kat wanted to find a place where she could get some breakfast stuff since for the next day, we had to wake up super early before breakfast was served. Almost everywhere was closed, so we looped back, and saw two big dogs outside a store. I assume they're supposed to guard the shop, but omg they're so cute!! So big and fluffy >www<

Hold on, let me pause; now that I'm reading through my notebook, I can't remember what happened when omg Anyway, what I'm gonna talk about next is kind of an event on its own, so lol okay whatever

7(?)th April: Lourdes Bath

I kinda don't really want to talk about the bath itself, since for many, it's a personal experience, so anyone if there's anyone reading this and hoping to go for it, I don't want to spoil the experience for them. Also, I personally have not much to talk about it, so I'll just recount what we did that morning lol

We were told by Father that there would be a queue forming by six in the morning, so us being kiasu, we were told to reach the gate by 5.45 latest, if we want to get a chance. Aunt Kat and I woke up at 4 I think, shared one cup of instant noodles - as breakfast - got ourselves ready, and reached there by 5.30 - and it wasn't us who were the early birds, it was almost everyone else in our group LOL We then discovered that the baths open at 9. Our group was practically the only people there, until 7+, and that was when normal French people would come.

Anyway, we spent the time shivering, and "learning" some yoga from our resident yoga instructor, in an effort to keep ourselves warm. It kinda worked, for me at least, to stop shivering, if I just stopped and focused on breathing deeply... And then I would go back to shivering lol At some point in the day, it started drizzling, so someone managed to contact one of the volunteers at the bath, and allowed us to sit under the shelter, so that wasn't so bad. I was still shaking, though, and my legs were still freezing and I felt really sleepy too. My number check buddy (we have this system where you need to check for the person before and after you in the number list) and her irl flatmate came to all of us with bread from the breakfast spread in the hotel, which was a (pffft) Godsend LOL But really, it's nice to eat bread when you're cold and hungry, even if the bread is cold too I don't care it was fooDO

And then came the bath, which for many, was an emotional experience, but for me, it wasn't like a revelation or something. But that's okay, people can do the same thing but experience it differently at different stages in their life. If anything, my "emotional moments" were in the next place we went to.

9th April: The Hills Are Alive

No, we didn't cross into Austria lol (Would've been a nice surprise though, to cross into another country during this trip, but this isn't the Austrian pilgrimage) We did end up in the mountain range of the Alps, though, and stayed in a monastery for two nights.

The ride up was quite pleasant: first you see snow-capped mountains in the distance, and then as you go uphill, you notice some forests in the distance dusted in snow, and then you actually see the snow on the road. And we were like !!!!!!! SNOW. When we arrived, it was snowing ever so lightly that you couldn't really tell that it was snowing. The snow we got was nothing like what my mum had during her trip: the snow was so thick, that the statues outside the monastery were almost buried completely. But there was just enough fresh snow for me to enjoy and have the chance to touch!!

Also, the monastery is nothing like what you'd expect of a "typical" monastery. It looked more like a hostel, with a common cafeteria, a basic room to sleep in, different dormitories, and common areas along the hallways. Father probably scared us all into thinking it would be super cold 'cos we're so high up, but I survived on my three layers (and with the heater at max lol)

Even if our room was as small as the budget hotel room we got the previous night, I honestly preferred the monastery room, even though your alternative heating is two extra blankets, and the bathroom is just slapped on in the corner with a round shower with retro orange plastic walls. The water there is really hot though, so we were pretty good lol Maybe it's because Father sold the idea of the monastery to us like it was gonna be stone walls and no heater with a room shared by six people (my perception of a dorm), so what we got was really better than we expected.

We were also fed really well at lunches and dinners. A salad, a main course, yoghurt or cheese, and dessert, and even bread! There was so much food omg but I really liked their desserts and yoghurt amg

On the first night, we had a procession similar to the one in Lourdes, but on a smaller scale. I didn't know we would be going out in the cold after dinner, so when I came down for dinner in my pyjamas, I had to go back upstairs to change >:I The procession of the first night wasn't my "emotional moment" though, it would be the one on the next night, which I will get to when I get there lol Anyway, as expected of a mountain, it's really cold at night, so cold that you can even feel it in the basilica. Later that night, I was invited by the younger peeps for hot chocolate, which was nice. I didn't talk much, but hey, hot chocolate!!

10th April: A Good Day to Cry (not hard)

This is probably the only day throughout the whole trip that I actually felt emotional? I don't know why, but anyway...

I had a chance to walk around outside in the morning, and took some nice mountain shots - it's only before breakfast that I learned we weren't allowed to go outside oops. Some of the snow melted and became ice, so it wasn't the safest for us (especially the older folks) to go out alone in case they fall and no one knows. Even when we had the chance to walk up one of the hill/mountain/thing after lunch, Father was watching with is eagle eyes. Like seriously, his room window looks straight at the mountain where most people were, and you could hear him like a hundred meters away as he shouted out the name of whoever was going higher than they should.

The poly teacher, resident doctor, fiancee-lady and I ended up sitting at the slope at the edge of the path to just soak it all in. There was some silence for awhile, until poly teacher said that she actually wanted to "sabo" me and wanted me to sing some hymns, and I was like "lol sure" so I did. And for some reason, I started tearing? Like I literally had no reason to cry, it's not like any of the songs had a special meaning to me. But maybe it was just because she asked and wanted to actually listen to me or something that touched me. I don't know if she noticed me crying (sunglasses-that-are-big-enough-to-cover-glasses ftw) but just the night before, she was talking about how she noticed some people having really emotional moments after the bath and how she ended up tearing with some of them too.

Anyway, the rest of the day was more processions, of a different kind, but the night one was the same one as night before. This time though, apparently it was too windy to process outside the basilica, so we had an internal one, within the church. This was the next, supposedly emotional moment.

Okay, first of all, the reason why I say "supposedly", is because when I felt it the first time, it wasn't emotional at all - but at the end of the trip, when we had to share the most important moment for us on the trip, I struggled to talk about this moment, and cried and I'm like ???? Honestly, I think the reason why I cried was because 1. everyone else had some sort of emotional experience to share, and 2. talking about personal things to strangers can be nerve-wracking and a struggle lol Moving on.

During the procession, there's one moment where all the lights are switched off, except the two lights that shine on their statue of Mother Mary, and our lighted candles. And even if I'm Catholic, I've never really felt an attachment to Mary, but for some reason, in that silence and how white the whole statue looked as it stood out from the blackness, you can't help but just have your eyes fixated on her. And in that brief minute, I felt so peaceful, and I was kinda excited too because I recognised it as a peace that I wanted. It's kinda hard to explain what exactly it was I felt. It wasn't really a feeling of content, or that "floating in the silence of the universe" kind of silence. It was just, peace and quiet. I don't really know what it was, but I've probably only felt it one other time before, on a less noticeable scale. I don't know man.

11th April: Boutique Hotel

This was the night we were supposed to bring our overnight bag for, because we were told we wouldn't be able to bring our luggage with us. So we were all prepared with clothes for the night and the next day, but then suddenly this buggy came out from nowhere with some of our luggage in it? And it was kinda funny 'cos people took turns riding in it with, the hotel's chef at the wheel, going p fast to and fro from the bus lol

Turns out, that the hotel we were staying in had a real tiny lobby area with an tiny elevator, and stuffing 52 of us + luggage in one elevator would mean transporting each person to their room is nearly impossible. So, we just left our luggage in one of the side rooms of the lobby (safer than just leaving it in the bus I guess) and had to use our overnight bag anyway. And I feel so cheated because the hotel is actually bigger than you expect on the inside, and that we had so much more space for our luggage compared to the previous places we stayed at. Like come on, at the budget hotel, I had to lay out my suitcase in front of the door.

Well, technically it's longer than you expect, not necessarily bigger, but the restaurant seemed like it had no end as you walked through it, and the floors had hallways, and plenty of rooms - and even the room I got, could accommodate a four-person family. It had a child's room??? With baby cot and bunk beds!!

there's even a sitting area, like wat

child's room, with added toilet!!

Sadly, someone used all the hot water that night, so bathing was a struggle in cold water.

13th-15th April: Paris

Again, I don't know what happened on what day, but I can remember what happened in chronological order lol Anyway, according to our bus driver, Paris (and Marseilles actually) were two of the worst places in France in terms of safety and pickpocketing, so we had to be wary and watchful of our belongings. It was actually a good thing that I had the uniqlo jacket with me, because it has inside pockets!! (I discovered it when I stuffed my notebook in my jacket, and then realised it didn't fall out, because it slid into the pocket and I was like yus sekret pockits) That's where I hid my phone, wallet, and notebooks lol

Anyway, we went to Sacre Coeur, which was a hotspot for cons. As we were walking up to the basilica, you could see guys with cups on the ground, moving it around and you have to guess where the ball is, that kind of trick, right. And it's not so much of being cheated of your bets, but it's when the con artist's buddies see where you take your wallet out from and pickpocket you from there. Even when we were being briefed by Father, poly-teacher-lady said that she noticed two young guys eyeing people's bags as the walked past, not at us or our faces. I didn't notice at first, but later as we lined up to go into the church, I noticed this one guy standing by the side of the line, stretching as he faced us, and I'm like, that's not really a place to stretch? And that was one of the kids looking at our stuff.

Me being the youngest, I was kept close to the center of the group, even though I was perfectly capable of walking on my own lol All I had to do was keep my hands in my pockets, and give everyone a death stare as we walked lol I was fine when we were given time in Notre Dame (in Paris) and I walked around the place by myself. Still, it was nice walking with other people around me, looking out for me 'cos I'm the babby of the group ;w;

We went to Montmartre nearby, and poly-teacher-lady asked Aunt Kat if it was okay for me to go with the younger people lol I did anyway, and spent most of the time with Van+Mel (future sister-in-laws with each other) and omg, I don't understand how they can buy so much. We went around from place to place to look at postcards at a cheap price, and then they nearly bought the entire store when we stopped at one of them. Admittedly, there were quite a lot of cute things in Montmartre. Even some of the artists in the square had pretty good artwork too. Then I went with Cat+Steph to the bookstore at the basilica, bought myself another postcard and an autobiography of Pope John Paul II's life before he became pope. (Father showed us the movie on the bus again (my second time watching it) and I really like him okay omg he's such a nice guy ;www;)

Also, lunch earlier that day was kind of a bad experience. Not the lunch itself though, more of the, well, other patrons that just so happened to have lunch the same time as us. Paris attracts a lot of Asians, like I knew about how many Chinese go there, so I wasn't that surprised to see Koreans there. I went to the toilet at the restaurant, and there were some Korean ladies lining up in front of me. When I went into the middle stall, the toilet wouldn't flush and it was clogged, so I came back out, stood back in front of the line and tried to tell them that it couldn't work. And then, one of the older ladies came from behind, pulled me aside, and went into the stall I just said couldn't work and I'm like ????????

I mean yeah, I was bothered by her pulling me to the side, and technically you "cut the queue" but why would you still go in?? When it's kinda apparent by the wads of tissue in the bowl that it's not working?? You do know that your two-three sheets of tissue is just going to make it worse right. I gave up and just went into the next toilet (also not working) and just not give a poop about it. I was upset at that point, and I wish the rest of our group didn't have to use the toilet because omg there's no point in using them, and I was also upset with that Korean lady. And because there was only one stall working, it took a long time for our group to get out of the restaurant.

On the last day, the same day we were gonna fly off, we were dropped off at Galerie Lafayette to go shopping~ Again, I went with Van+Mel to look at clothes, and while they were at Zara, I told Mel I would be at the store just opposite to look at clothes. So I did, tried on some clothes and bought myself some stuff, but when I came out, the two of them were gone. I knew they would be looking for me (because I'm the babby and if anyone lost me I'd sue them for negligence lol) so I kinda hung around the same floor. I finally thought that maybe I should message Aunt Kat (there was free wifi in the building), asking if she had either of Van or Mel's numbers. I ended up finding poly-teacher-lady's group and asked if I could go around with them, and when I told Aunt Kat who I was with, she said that I'm okay as long as I don't go around on my own.

Turns out she thought I was outside the building, which was why she didn't want me to go around on my own lol But I still wish I could, then I could've bought more stuff that I wanted ;w; When I went around with a group, it meant that I couldn't really take my own time looking at stuff I wanted, so I just followed them around. Even when we got back to the meeting place, there was an hour and forty-five minutes left to walk around, but I sat there with some other people to watch over other people's bought goods. Also my feet were tired. And there were a lot of Chinese people at the tax refund counters and it was pretty crowded. I still wish I could've bought more stuff there hhhhhhhhhhhh And I wish I was allowed to go around on my own ;www;

The plane flight back was pretty okay, actually. I slept for most of the second half of the first flight, to the point that I fell asleep on the second flight before the plane even took off lol Also the second flight was a lot less crowded, like almost half of it was empty, so we each had a lot of space. I spent my time rewatching Bakuman and sleeping lol I slept at four in the morning that Saturday night and woke up at 1. The remaining days were of a similar sleep schedule, but I'm slowly sleeping and waking up earlier. Also when I came back, I learned that I failed my grade 8 exam lol A passing mark is 100 out of 150, and I got 93 so :/

Now I need to put my suitcase back in the store room downstairs, and actually clearing out my suitcase wasn't so bad since there were a lot of clothes I didn't wear lol I didn't even use my mum's heavy duty jacket or use the woolly sweaters, all I needed was three layers for temperatures greater than -5 to 20 degrees lol Anyway, I think that's most of what happened during the trip! My other posts will probably be stories of the saints and churches themselves, so yerp, good job for reading 6500+ words!!

France Pilgrimage: Preface(?)

Hopefully I can write down everything that I want to write down, unlike the first time I tried making my Austria trip posts lel Anyway, I don't think I'll be allowed to write down every single detail about the trip, because our priest wants to keep it secret. Like on Facebook (social media in general) we're allowed to put up photos of the places we've been to and the things we've seen, but we're not allowed to explicitly say what church/cathedral we went to. I suppose it's for many reasons:

1. so that people who have never been on the trip (but might someday) can experience things first hand without any expectations
2. all of it is planned by him and his brother (I think) and he brings us to places that are off the beaten path, so when unrelated people know about it, it's not as special or as precious a place if everyone else knows. I guess the effort spent to specially seek out these places would also go to waste if their whole route was out there for everyone to see.
3. it's a pilgrimage: you're there to experience it and learn from it, not treat it as a tour lol

That being said, I don't really know how to organise the stories and histories of some of the places. I was thinking of putting the personal events in one post, stories of saints in another, and the more well-known places/churches in another (like Lourdes, Notre Dame+Sacre Coeur in Paris etc) since you know, the information on those saints and places are more accessible, so anything I write here might not be new lol Also, I think I should reorganise and rewrite all the notes I took on the trip into another notebook, 'cos I have bits and pieces all over the place inside the one I brought. For now, I'll transfer the photos onto my laptop (I didn't take as many as I did in Austria actually) and get started on writing as much as I can on Monday (maybe. no promises.)